Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

Time to trot out the line… I bet you’re fun at parties?
And add… maybe not then.
How a family works is its own business. I wouldn’t have asked the question to start with. She clearly has a bee in her bonnet and is possible envious?
Your life sounds wonderful and seeing as we only get one, if you are happy in it then all power to you.

I think it's really interesting on this thread that so many posters seem to have such small frames of reference that they assume everyone must live the same kind of life.

For what it's worth, I stopped working quite a while ago. I have an income from my firm's private pension, although we haven't needed it, so it gets invested. I got a payout of my capital contribution when I left, also invested. So not a penny of your taxes is going into a pension for me. I'm also a joint owner of two mortgage-free houses, so if either DH or I decided to trade the other in for a younger model, we'd both be just fine.

I've recently started taking on a few consulting/freelance type projects, but only take the ones that really interest me. During the years I wasn't working at all, I chaired a foundation, sat as a school governor, read with young children, volunteered with the CAB, chaired the PA, did a second post-grad degree. And I cooked and travelled and read and walked the dogs and exercised and hung out with my kids, went to movies, theatre, music, museums, socialised, oversaw the renovation of our house.

I love to cook but I don't clean or garden. I was never bored and I have not, for one minute, considered myself a 'kept woman', which, regardless of my work status, I recognise as a reductive, sexist, demeaning phrase.

Just catching up on the thread now after a day of ‘faffing around’ and setting a bad example to my children. 🤨😂

It seems that despite some people feeling superior and more interesting to others by working, it doesn’t seem to have helped them to understand how to interact in a polite and appropriate way with others.

She was one of the two that worked.

Someone else asked how old she was. I would say around late 40s.

I think people can be interesting and interested whether they work or not. With so many other things in life, I’m not sure why work is the thing that you see that makes people interesting.

I have been to uni, worked, travelled a lot, lived in 3 different countries, I can speak another language, I have children, have had lots of hobbies from running to crochet to paddle boarding, I’ve met a lot of people from very different backgrounds, I look after animals who are injured/badly treated etc so I think most people could bind something to talk about with me and in turn, I’m interested in others regardless of what they do or don’t do for work.

If my husband left me, I am financially secure, as I’ve already said, if you read my posts.

Yeah, but come on everyone looks at women who have teenagers and don't work and think they're a bit weird

You later said this ⬆️. That’s an interesting perspective.

I’d hate to think like you do. My life experiences have made me be open minded about others. I’m glad you like your job.

I would just embrace it next time and just say, oh darling I'm independently wealthy and dont need to work. I really enjoyed it when I did, but I'm too busy now. Tinkly laugh.

I laughed so much at shiny shit 😂

wonder if this is the put down the op should prepare

I was referring to this comment from a PP

"'I think maybe the fact you referred to a job you did 20 years ago was a bit odd though and saying “I don’t work” would have been enough."

I was saying I don't think it's odd to refer to a job done 20 years ago.

Sorry, I think maybe I didn't quote the post I was responding to but it was the bit where a PP said

"I think maybe the fact you referred to a job you did 20 years ago was a bit odd though and saying “I don’t work” would have been enough."

I was saying I don't think it's odd to mention the job you did 20 years ago.

You hate what you can’t have.

I would have similar questions but wouldn’t be so rude as to ask. Your life is a complete mystery to me too but I understand everyone is different.

i am just surprised that as a mother of teenagers you have never had that comment given to you op

Oh, sorry, should have read it more carefully.

How can anyone who runs a household and looks after children be said not to to work, runinng a household and raising children are both full time jobs on their own- it seems this poster is obliged to work outside the home foe money means this is just pure jealousy- I have never understood how a woman can be so unsupportive of other women- disgusting.

Why would she? Working is shite, for most people.

OP you sound lovely. Give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was just trying to understand a lifestyle very different to her own.

I'd be intrigued on first meeting you, I genuinely don't know anyone rich enough not to work. Probably small mindedly I'd think you didn't do much but this thread has opened my eyes. I wonder if you said something like "I don't need to work for money so foster animals instead" you'd have got a different response from her.

So basically you’re just minted?

Fair fucks to you.

I wouldn’t bother working either if I was rich.

familyicons · Today 09:32
I think it's really weird that you don't work.
and poor example to your children

Well that's a pretty weird statement! Setting an example of a family sharing tasks and pulling together to create a family unit that works well is a bad example! One is bringing in the money and the other is keeping the home running smoothly and peacefully to everyone's benefit - that's a bad example!!??

Not sure what sort of example is set by both parents rushing about meeting themselves coming back sets! Some people have no option but to do that financially and some choose this because they thrive on it, but it is not the only choice.

I think a little more open-mindedness is important.

Just because women have more career opportunities now it does not follow that they have to pursue these if they choose not to and circumstances allow. They are setting the example that women now have choice and where finances allow they can choose to be at home or to be at work.

I'd find it odd that you'd lived off someone else's money for so long without the urge for career or identity outside being a housewife, id think that thought but would not waste my time pestering you...

If you were rich you could retrain in something you love. OP’s work is vocational, animal rescue (I feel she was inaccurate in saying she doesn’t work!), but I work in a job I love and so work for pleasure. If you don’t need paying, it really opens doors.

I can’t shake the Protestant work ethic it seems 😂

This.

I find it odd that people claim to work, but can’t read.

She’s independently wealthy.

Had the exact same thought. All these posters with such glittering careers who can't figure out how to press the button that lets you read all the OP's posts (and in this case can't put together a grammatical sentence). Bit baffling.

No, don't worry, I should probably have quoted the poster, someone else also didn't realise either.😆