Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

I think the woman at the party was very rude! Likely jealous!! I certainly am 😂

Just out of sheer nosiness how did you get the money you have to support yourself? Not supported by your DH, not inherited/from family….did you win the lottery? Did you have an amazingly successful business for 12 years that set you up for life?

Goodness me why are people so judgemental? Not just the lady at your party but some on this thread too. Really is it anyone elses business whether you work out of the home or not? If I was being kind it would be to say maybe the woman was trying to find a connection as some do like to label people either as a SAHM or a working mum/ retired or whatever. I think I would be inclined to call them out if they are as rude as this women sounded. You could just say you have a lot of animals so you are mainly looking after them. You should not need to justify yourself but it might be easier than dealing with the judgement.

Also just to say that I am an ambassador on the MSE website and there are a number of very early retirees (early 40s) so there are people possibly near your age who are retired.

I would have told her frankly that its none of her business what I do all day. I dont feel obliged to justify my actions to random people at a party.

But I don’t think it is judgement.

Like I’ve said prior, I don’t need to work but do as I feel it gives me meaning - and I like to contribute financially.

However that’s not to say there aren’t moments of being unsure. I think that anyone who says they’re 100% happy 100% of the time isn’t being honest.

So my interest in OP’s situation would absolutely be driven out of nosiness and how she’d arrived at the decision not to work. Perhaps it’d help me one day?

It certainly wouldn’t be fuelled by jealousy or anything mean.

But - I do agree it sounded an intense and rude. I’d have saved the questioning (or quietly asked someone else!).

Yes but to keep on at her when it was obvious OP was finding the questions annoying as well as the others changing the subject is rude IMO.

She sounds like my ex MIL. She had a real bee in her bonnet about SAHM and was constantly on my back about me finding a job from the moment my DD started in reception class at school. I always thought it a bit odd as she herself didn't work for 15 years when my exH and his siblings were young.

The sheer number of people on this thread who are so gleefully certain they can find a way to look down on the OP's idyllic life, that they don't even manage the basics of reading her posts to find out how comically and embarrassingly wrong they are, is both staggering and depressing.

I think the snidey faux-supportive ones which just have to sneak in a dig about how they personally couldn't do it, because they've chosen to assume the OP depends on her husband to support her, are almost worse than the ones outright condeming her for something she's clearly explainined is not the case.

I can't even enjoy the irony of all these people insisting that work makes them more interesting and rounded individuals, whilst simultaneously revealing that they lack even the imagination to conceive of a woman who doesn't need to work or rely on her husband for money. (Or the common sense to simply ask the OP rather than rudely blundering in with their assumptions).

I can't help but be curious too! I've know a couple of woman that set up businesses young and then sold them for the sort of money that they could then easily live off (once invested) for the rest of their lives. However both continued to work in various ways - that's the bit I struggle to understand. I'd love to not work, I'd have no problem filling my time!

She was definitely jealous and I think she also felt that she was somehow morally superior. If something like this happens again, turn the questions back on to the interrogator. “How will you spend your time in retirement, Nancy? Oh. You don’t find that a bit of a cliche? Well, of course that’s the time to focus on your self. Just ignore the haters who say you’re wasting time and money. It’s your turn to be self-centered, after all. You know, research suggests that most people volunteer just to make themselves feel better. Do you think you’ll be able to keep up your work friendships? It’s so easy to drift apart from people you never see.” That should drive anyone away.

It's funny that people think work makes you more interesting - anyone who dares to talk about their work socially in our circles gets either shut down immediately or avoided - everyone has good jobs - downtime outside those jobs is precious. One woman I know, a Prof at LSE literally has no other conversation - I'm totally happy for her that she made it to Prof - it was her dream but do I need to hear about it every time I bump into her on the street absolutely not! I know all about how hard it is to deal with the new student every year, her tight deadlines, her colleagues - honestly she needs to get a hobby- or maybe take a chill pill, I'd certainly not be choosing to stand with her at a party in the future (bitter experience).

She was rude.
I work part time. Dc are all grown up now. A few people have asked when I am going back full time - probably just to make conversation. They don’t bang on about it.

Thanks to everyone that has given their input in a polite way.

I have spoken to my friend whose parents party it was and she says that this woman is known to be a jealous and combative person. Her husband left her last year and apparently she has become even more bitter since then, so it was more about her than me, not that I really doubted that.

I shall be avoiding her at the upcoming wedding but my husband has said he is looking forward to hearing her interesting perspectives if she starts. 😬

Next time somebody's being nosy about what you do tell them you work for MI6 and can't discuss it.😁

She said she has money of her OWN, apart from her husband’s income. If he leaves, she’ll be financially okay.

I don’t ask people what their jobs are either. I ask something along the lines of, “How do you like to spend your time?” I get more interesting answers most of the time. People share what they are passionate about, their hobbies, skills, travels. Some talk about their jobs, but most would rather talk about something else.

@HomeForTheAnimals as the title suggests, I too never returned to work. As my children are now university age and above I just say I am retired. I was still required like you to drive my children to sixth form so I would still have said sahm at that point otherwise it become an explanation rather than just sahm. I went to university, have lived in several places and stopped working in my early 30s.

I too have had that conversation a few times before but although I will admit it on here, medically I wouldn't be able to work ever again. And no, I don't want to find a job I can work around my disability.

All this talk about setting an example for your children, my Mum worked full time. How I saw this as a child is that we were left to walk home from school alone when I would have liked my Mum to walk me home. She was often very tired and too tired to do a lot of things with us. She would have done anything to be a sahm but sadly finances dictated the need to work.

I have absolutely loved my life, Dh is also incredibly grateful and it worked for our family with our particular set of circumstances. As to the age old question of what do you do all day, my stock response is sit on the sofa and eat bon bons. If they question more I say the same as everything you do whilst not working but I just have a lot more time to do it in.

@HomeForTheAnimals Just being nosy but I don’t get how you are financially separate from your husband, and have not worked for years, and did not inherit money.

gis a clue ? Day trading ? Famous actor for a bit? Wrote a hit song ?

Maybe that is what rude woman wanted to know

I think you'll have an easier time with that kind of questioning if you emphasise all the animal care you do - it's in its own way skilled work and is work whether or not it's paid as domesticated animals are reliant on people caring for them, you can't not walk dogs or muck out horses for more than a little bit of time without them coming to harm. And it's obviously time consuming even to people like me who knows very little about animals.

I think it’s odd that running a home STILL isn't seen as work

Im desperate to know this also!!!

Erm there’s so much more to life than work! Your living l, just ignore her

Your DH should say something COMPLETELY different. My wife is a surgeon, but never tells anyone, totally abashed by her own brilliance, earns a bloody fortune doing private stuff, barely see her blah blah blah

Execute a wind up!

See I disagree with this stance. At times over the past few years I haven’t worked by choice. I wasn’t a housewife though because I didn’t ‘look after’ the house. I am fortunate enough to be able to support myself financially without employment. But that doesn’t make me a housewife just because I’m married. Just like if my DH retires next year he won’t become a househusband.