Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

Independently wealthy how?

One of the usual ways, I'd suspect?

Inheritance? If that’s the case I’d say she’d be more adept at dealing with the question.

How? Oh come on

Lets see:

She earned so fucking much when she did work she saved - perfectly possible
She inherited - perfectly possible
She’s a Trust Fund Kid - perfectly possible
She had a medical negligence claim and live off that - perfectly possible.
Massive gift from Ma & Pa - perfectly possible.
She robbed a bank - hmm she seems nice, so let’s leave that one.
She’s a drug Lord - someone’s doing it.
She rinses money for the Mafia - again, someone is…

The OP hasn’t confirmed the source of funds but I’m not checking for money laundering purposes, so I let it slide.

You work you say? Doing what?

So inherited wealth 🤣

The other reputable one would involve a focus on career…

What difference does it make?

Well I suppose this thread demonstrates why it’s important. People are interested in what motivates others.

Like I said earlier, the lady who questioned her sounded too forward and rude: but I’d imagine the same motivations have kept others interested in the thread.

Forgot

Wrote a pop song and lives off the royalties - I know someone who does this
Sold a company

But so what if it is inherited, I take it not much coming your way?

That. She was keen to pigeon-hole you, and her persistence in trying to make you justify your life choice was either distinctly rude or socially inept.

I think your responses to each question were perfect. It's weird that she just wouldn't let go.

I get the 'How do you fill your days' question all the time, but that's because I'm retired. So there's no judgement behind the question and people at the very least feign interest when I tell them.
She was not doing that. There was no "oh you foster dogs? That's pretty cool. Do you find it difficult to pass them on afterwards?" Just continued cross-examination.

What an odd thing to say! Like I said earlier, regardless of inherited wealth or my financial position more generally I continue to work as it gives me meaning and independence.

Your tone read as if inherited wealth was something to be sneered at. It was the laughing emoji, tends to be deployed rather PA

You’d have independence if you had a massive payout from a car accident - or whatever. Meaning, well that another matter.

I too work because I want to, and I like it.

Well good for you. But not everyone defines themself through their job. I made a lot of money at mine but found very little meaning, so I left. If you can afford not to work, what independence does work give you?

OP doesn't, and didn't, call herself a SAHM. It was the rude woman who insisted on using the term.

If I was rich I’d probably do exactly what the OP has done. Set up some sort of animal rescue shelter and spend my time with cute animals and my family.

And also maybe sponsor a Formula One team so I could travel the world and go to all the races.

And this is what I mean about it making for an interesting conversation.

My job stresses me out as much as I find meaning in it and that’s why I’m so interested in other people’s motivations and how people came to an alternative decision about their own life.

Perhaps the woman who was asking was in a similar financial position but for whatever reason couldn’t bring herself to leave work.

But as OP described it, I absolutely agree it became quite confrontational and rude.

I haven’t lived off anyone else’s money and I have plenty of interests outside of being a ‘housewife’, which I wouldn’t really describe myself as anyway as I don’t do much housework, as I’ve already said.

Because I’m nosey…did you make your own money and then decide to leave your work?

If so, why?

And some people don't have any identity outside of being a parent!

If people are going to be offensive, at least read the thread first. I have never lived off anyone else’s money.

It’s also not inherited money that has allowed me to not work, not that if would matter if it was.

I think I’m starting to see where this woman at the party was coming from and if she’s as unpleasant as some of the people on here, I wish I’d have said a lot more.

Dying to know how you came into money OP.

I knew a woman who was mysteriously stinking rich. It didn’t really make sense because without sounding like a dick - she wasn’t posh, so you could kind of guess it wasn’t family money if you know what I mean.

Turns out she and her husband had had a massive win on the lottery a few years prior!

Given that it’s a (hopefully) private forum then why not just share?

I’d be interested in hearing the thinking behind your decision not to work.

I’m in the same position as OP. I sold my company after many years of working 60 hour weeks and now I’m fortunate enough to not need to work ever again. I don’t need to work for independence because I am already financially independent, and I certainly don’t need to work to find meaning in life. My life is busy, full and meaningful.

I think you handled her very well.

She sounds odd, but it was probably borne out of jealousy.

I would have probably wound her up and directed something back at her, e.g. I’m beginning to think that perhaps you’re jealous of mums that don’t have to work and have full wonderful lives!

Actually i've had pretty much the exact conversation at a party before! i was in the same position as the OP.
This woman went on and AND ON about her job (which sounded really fucking boring but ofc I politely listened and ask questioned) and then repeatedly questioned what i did with all my free time and when i was going back to work. er... never if i can help it?! i dont need to and none of my family want me to. and i dont want to..
I assumed she was a bit jealous and had a chip on her shoulder, as well as being socially awkward.

Sounds great Mrs Papillon.