DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

Honestly he’s 15, I think you need to be honest with him. I would say he’s your boyfriend but it’s not serious so there’s no need for DS to meet him. If he asks if you are having sex, just tell him - he already knows. It is weird for your DS to think about you having sex with somebody he’s never met - I think it’s part of your job as his parent to acknowledge that, even though you are doing nothing wrong, it’s still a situation that is going to make him feel uncomfortable. (I am also single with a teenager, btw.)

I wouldn't describe him as my boyfriend. If I was talking to my friends I'd call him my fuck buddy (but none of my friends know he exists. Nobody does except, annoyingly, DS!). That's a bit of the problem, as well as the fact that I would never ask anyone else if they were or weren't having sex with someone. Surely it's my job as a parent to guide him as to what is and isn't an appropriate type of question to ask? Some things are private, no?

Could he just be looking out for you but doing it in that awkward weird teenager way?

Honestly I'd just tell him that it's your private life, it's consensual and nothing for him to know or to be worried about.

It’s odd that he is pushing it. My teen ds would not speak about that sort of thing. He’d be mortified. On the plus side it’s good that he’s comfortable (maybe too comfortable) and perhaps it’s a clumsy way of being protective over you.

Id be tempted to lie. Tell him there is no man and that day you were just about to jump in the shower or something. Ask him to drop it as it’s becoming weird.

I agree with you. I’d tell him that some things are private and he doesn’t necessarily get answers to everything that he asks.
I would reassure him that you will tell him about any serious relationship you get into, and that right now there is no need for him to be thinking that suddenly there will be a new man around every evening or moving in etc.

It’s weird for you to not let him into his own home because it’s not convenient for you?

It sounds like you’re embarrassed and ashamed by your relations with this man since you’re keeping him a secret from everyone in your life including your friends and you’re annoyed your DS has half found out.

I know! If it had have been my mum 30 years ago I'd have run for the hills.

Maybe it is a protection thing. Or an uncertainty thing because he still hasn't had an explanation (the truth or a lie).

He is with his dad tonight so let's see what happens when he returns. 80% of the times he comes back from his dad I have genuinely not seen the guy, and there's nobody else.

It’s natural for him to want to know what’s going on and who is in his house shagging his mother. Whether it’s his business or not is up to you, but you sound quite dismissive of him. He’s not some random, he’s your son. Poor kid. I feel sorry for him.

It was weird not to let him in because obviously normally I would.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed. I haven't mentioned him to anyone because it's private and I have no intention of forming a proper boyfriend-type relationship with him (and he feels the same back). I am a bit annoyed that DS sort of found out, yes, but am hoping to find a way of making his half knowledge into something more sustainable, either by lying to him to make him stop, or telling him the truth but saying it's private.

I’d tell him to behave himself.

It is none of his business and he needs to grow up a bit.

He's 15. He will know what "Friends With Benefits" are.
Be honest. Say that you have a FWB but you would like to keep details private out of respect for the man you are FWB with.

Under no circumstances am I using that term to my 15 year old son!

It's his home, he wanted to come into the place where he lives and feels safe, and you stopped him because you had a bloke in there he'd never met and were having sex with the bloke. Not surprised he's asking questions and feeling upset. He's 15 fgs - he's going between two houses and now dealing with this. He knows what's going on.

He's 15 and full of teenage angst. You and his father have been separated since he was 7 and it's probably destabilised him more than you realise. He's concerned about a strange man in the house, about your safety, about the thought of you (as his mum) being a sexual creature, about the fact that you might remarry. He's on the threshold of adulthood with a mind full of complex and confusing thoughts. I don't find this weird at all. And although I can understand your discomfort, I think you're being a bit weird for not understanding his quest for answers. I also don't think your obvious lie, secrecy and basically refusing him entry when he called round for his sports kit has helped matters.

I get that. But what was I supposed to do in that moment, and how do I best take it forward?

His return was unexpected. I got dressed, answered the door, gave him his PE kit. How else could I have handled it and how should I handle it now?

Agree. I'm not surprised, either.

Why?
It's honest.
He will likely be more accepting of that than a secret "boyfriend".

I would say you’re casually seeing someone and if it ever became serious then you’d arrange for them to meet but as it isn’t you won’t. I think by avoiding it you’re almost making it into a big deal and your DS knows he can wind you up by asking about it. If he asks about sex then i would ask why he wants to know

OK. So what should I do now? Tell him that I have no plans to remarry? Tell him that yes, I was indeed having sex and that I do that sometimes? Is honesty the best policy here? Do I owe him an apology for not being?

I think a white lie ‘I have a boyfriend but it’s a fairly new relationship’ - ‘ds I’m not answering that!’ is fine in the circumstances. I can see you were put on the spot but I do broadly agree with @SirChenjins ; harshly worded though.

I think saying you're an adult and it's your home is quite rude. It's also your sons home. And imo he's entitled to the truth as your encounters happen in his home

Honestly, I think it’s a bit of a revolting term full stop although I may be a prude, but I am astonished anybody would seriously use this phrase in context of talking about themselves to their teenage son. That’s appalling,

It’s his business when OP tells him he can’t come into his own home so she can hide her secret man, it’s not like it’s not affecting him at all.

In your circumstances, I’d lie. You’ve been seeing someone. If and when it gets serious, your son will meet him. Then in a month or two, I’d simply say you’ve split up.

The truth is, you’re seeing someone purely for sex, which is fine. But no teen boy needs to know that about his mother.

How come you haven't told anyone about this man? Is he married?
As for teenager - you are seeing someone, it's casual, you only see him when he is at his dad's house.