DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

Does your son know this man?

I think stripesandspotsanddots is correct. The time is coming, and not too long from now, when you may have concerns about his sexual life, if he’s using protection and the like. If you model honesty and matter of factness, without too many details, it will be more likely that he’ll be candid with you and not just tell you, “You said those things are private. I don’t have to tell you anything,

You refused him entry into his own home and have shut down his attempts to find out why. Of course this is unsettling and he's trying to get to the truth.

I feel sorry for your son. He knows a strange man is coming into his home and fucking his mother but his mother won’t tell him who it is. And his mother tells herself that her son isn’t entitled to know who this is. It’s all very fafo. You can have your “fuck buddy” but by doing this you have created a situation for your son that exposes the seediness of your situation. Why not just get yourself a boyfriend? Then you can look your son in the eye and say you have a boyfriend. Or else do without sex and you can also look your son in the eye and say there’s nobody in his home when he’s gone. You’ve only a few years left then your son will move out. I’m glad I didn’t have to deal with this when I was teenager. It’s horrible

So no parent should ever have sex once they have a child?

lots of 'only' kids then.

The difficulty, @Silvertapped, seems to be that you are ashamed of the relationship with this man. If you felt at ease about it you’d be much more confident about what to say to your son - whether that be Mind your own business! or Yes I’m seeing someone but I don’t want to discuss it with you.

You can’t frame those words because you seem to have an oddly restricted view of your own freedom. And have therefore settled for this unsatisfactory arrangement, which isn’t even a friend with benefits.

You are a free agent. You don’t need your son’s or your ex partner’s permission or approval to have a sex life or to enter into a rewarding relationship. But the thing you’re engaged in right now seems a bit joyless and grim - so you feel ashamed and can’t talk about it. It seems - forgive me - a bit masochistic.

Could you not consider a relationship where you actually have fun?

If you won't let your son meet the man, then you should have met the man outside the home to ensure this scenario could never arise.

It's very strange to not let your son into his home. The secrecy has made him unsettled and confused - these are natural responses to how you're acting.

Why not just say you’re casually seeing someone, that if it becomes serious you will of course introduce him but at the moment he is your priority so you’re happy with your life as it is.
Your son keeps bringing it up because he’s anxious or concerned that his life will be changing and by not discussing it or telling him you are entitled to a private life you’re actually making it sound bigger/more serious than it is

"Yes I am seeing someone, no it's not serious."

What is the status of the relationship?
Is he your BF?
Just a FB?
It does sound a bit weird.
Imagine how it comes across to a 15 year old; a 15 year old boy?
I think that while you are entitled to date and have relationships as a single parent, you need to he mindful of how you model those relationships. Your son is still learning about relationships and forming ideas and ideals about relationships. You are still his role model for how relationships should look and function; how women are to be treated; and want and deserve to be treated. For those considerations, I think a FB is inappropriate.
I think it's also worth reflecting on your own capacity to be in a relationship since your separation.

Under no circumstances am I using that term to my 15 year old son!

Well that's what you're doing though - so yeah - awkward.

It’s true that modelling Having an adult relationship is something to be ashamed of is not the best way of parenting a teen.

They really need to see you being positive, confident and relaxed in your relationships.

Yes, but we don't encourage teens to have non-serious sexual relationships. It's different for adults, I think. We teach kids having a sexual relationship is serious. To just have sex and not emotional attachment, investment, you have to have a certain maturity and life experience, I think. I don't think teens, at their developmental stage mentally, are ready for that and able to understand that. It does mean a detachment from your sexual partner in a FWB or FB situation. It's too complicated for teens. I know it's not about advocating a FB relationship as a life choice, but it does model that when you are parenting.

It’s his home too. Why all the secrecy? Hardly going to encourage the DS to be open with his mother going forwards. I don’t see the problem with telling a version of the truth. Unsettling for the DS in my opinion.

My dad did this when I was a similar age to your son. I felt really uncomfortable about it. I no longer wanted to stay in my home. It became the elephant in the room because it was obvious but not talked about. I lost a lot of respect for him it damaged our relationship.

Flip the scenario you've come home because you've forgotten something and your sons clearly having sex with someone but pretending and hiding it. How would you prefer he handled it with you? Tell you it's none of your business? It's his home so he can do whatever and you need to grow up?

He is a few years away from being a technical adult. If you would like him to respect you and keep the relationship close I think you need to respect him too. You're giving him a clear example of how to handle these situations so I'd think carefully on what your teaching about open conversations and about views on sex.

I also have a teen ds.

If he asked that question, I would say that I had a friend over, that my private life is just that. That if he had any manners at all, he wouldn't ask and that the conversation was over.

He is old enough to learn when to mind his own business.

I would describe fb as a friend and tell him that is why he doesn’t need to meet him as you don’t intend to marry him. I would say that part of the reason you like being divorced is that you appreciate your own space and don’t need to live with him etc. I would also tell him that adults don’t just have sex and it’s none of his business to ask that unless he wants you to do the same when he has a girlfriend. I think boundaries in place and keep repeating until he gets the message!

The son is not the ex saying she can't ever have sex. The son is curious on what's going on what are the possibilities, is mum ok? Does this affect me? You have a chance to fill in the gaps from a women's point of view that sex can be fun consensual and look like you and you non serious partner both want it to be.

If he is being told anything unhelpful by the ex or incels/social media by talking about it you have the perfect time to address any of those issues. Particularly the distinction between concern,control and curiosity. Really vital if he gets a partner it doesn't work out and that partner then has sex with someone else. I'd be really wanting to feel he would handle that in a healthy way.

Shutting it down as not his business is hurtful and doesn't let him exercise any feelings at all. Even if they are misplaced he needs guiding to talk about them and understand them. You also don't want to suggest sex is somehow shameful. If he tries to talk to any of his friends about it he may well feel shame if they don't handle it well.

It's really difficult and I totally understand your dilemma. Personally, at his age, I think I'd just lie tbh. He obviously can't handle it yet (unsurprising, he doesn't want to think of his mum in that way) so I'd wait until he was older ...by which time you might not have your FWB in any case. So yes, I'd just (rightly or wrongly) sweep it under the carpet for now

I would not be surprised if your DS genuinely and actively disapproves of you for having this type of non-relationship. Teenagers can be very conservative in their views, and knowing that his own mother is having no-strings secret sex with a random man is probably quite upsetting to him.

I think you are being a bit naive to think that he will share your worldly view that women can have sex as and when they want, in the same way that men can. Old habits and beliefs - however outdated - die hard. What do you think the average teenage boy would think of a girl doing the same? What names would she attract in the playground? You can absolutely challenge his thinking, but you need to be confident in your choices to do that.

i completely agree with the pp pointing out that usually we try to impress on teenagers that sex is serious, it isn’t casual or something to hide as if ashamed of it - yet you are doing exactly the opposite 🤷‍♀️ .

Those of you suggesting lying - have you never had any contact with a teenager? (Not necessarily as a parent, I mean any regular contact at all.) Do you honestly think a 15 year old wouldn’t be able to tell if his own mother was lying?

The supreme difficulty the OP has is that her son is just on the cusp of a perhaps ten year period when he will want her advice, guidance or at least support through his own early relationships. Her cutting him short now will completely kill any prospect of an easy two way conversation between them going forward. That may not matter to her - but it could have significant negative effects on his future as a functioning adult.

OP I don’t blame you for keeping this quiet but now he does know some carefully worded info is needed. Your son needs some answers but not full details. His name is x, I don’t want you to meet him it’s very early days and we’re just getting to know each other (this can be a white lie).

Whilst I’m all for privacy, your DS is 15 and how you play this will have a direct impact on how much or little she shares with you in future. You still have some tricky teen years to navigate so if you shut him out and go down the I’m an adult I’m entitled to privacy route don’t be surprised the next time you want information about where he’s going and who with if he throws a similar line back at you.

Cheers for all these replies. It is difficult. I think if he asks again there will have to be something along the lines of him being a new friend but that it didn't go anywhere and is done with now.

I think that would make him feel secure that everything was 'back to normal', and wouldn't directly address the sex point (which, if he raised again, I could shut down as a separate point).

I appreciate that this is a lie but I think it's a low risk one. My friend and I have continued to see each other and have no plans to either stop doing so or change our arrangement in a more serious way. I must have seen him 50 or more times at my house over the years and DS has never noticed (why would he? It's a couple of hours on a day he isn't there) so this can continue for now.

So you'll see the man and tell your son it's over? Really bad idea. If/when you get caught again, he'll know you've lied and that could have a really bad effect on your relationship going forward. Trust is everything. He's old enough to be told he's a friend you have over sometimes. You don't need to give him details.

No he won't because he won't know it's the same man.

I have been seeing this man since my DS was about 11 and he's never even suspected, let alone met him. If, in a years time, DS somehow comes to the house when the man is here and it causes an issue (very unlikely in the first place) I can just pretend that it's a different man.

I would rather put him at ease than tell the truth that sometimes a man does come over. That truth is likely to prompt more questions and insecurity in DS, no? I have no intention of ever introducing man to DS, and really consider it very unlikely that their paths will cross unintentionally again.