DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

By saying nothing, he is filling in the gaps with his imagination and is seemingly struggling with whatever story he’s come up with.
Give him an explanation, a version of the truth that you’re comfortable with to reassure him and stop his imagination running away with him.
Something along the lines of that you are seeing someone, it’s casual, you get on well but there is no future in it…. Something along those lines. He is growing up and seeing you as an adult and learning that you’re not just his mum.

Nope. Not me!

These were my thoughts albeit put a bit harshly!

Id be gently telling my kid without fanfare or drama that I have a private life. That I am entitled to that private life without query or explanation.

Id go on to say that when he gets girlfriends, he too will be entitled to privacy about the relationship unless he chooses to share.

End of.

If you've come on here for opinions I personally think this is grotesque. This is his home.

Tell him you were seeing someone but it’s over to get him off of your case, but then I would use what someone put above about “are you sure you want details of your mums sex life, would you want to tell me the same?”

Presumably he won't be entitled to prevent his mum from entering her home though, or to have people there for sex that his mum hasn't met.

Do you have quite a conservative approach to sex/discussing sex with your teenager? He should know it's normal and nothing to be ashamed of, and that there are different types of relationships, which is perfectly ok between consenting adults.

I appreciate it was unexpected he returned, but I'm wondering why you were so defensive about it? He is definitely old enough to have heard about sex from his friends/tv, and he will know what a FWB is. If it were me, I would be honest and say something like, 'yes, I had a friend over. He's someone I've been seeing for some time, but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable in our home, so I only see him when you're at your dad's house.'

A version of the truth is best. Kids know when they're being lied to. ' I have a man friend but it's not a serious relationship so I didnt want you to meet him'. You don't need to mention what you were doing - if he asks again, just say that's private. It isn't OK to directly ask people about their sex life so it's a reasonable response.

Wow!
What a great role model mum would be to talk about this to son..
What about discussing healthy relationships and not just about seeing someone for sex.
What a sad world we live in :-(

So your shagging someone at your sons home and you have been caught out.

just tell him you have a friend just for sex and it’s not a relationship and not replacing his dad etc.

is rather off you didn’t let your son in his own house…. Surely the fuck buddy was upstairs in bedroom and not stark bollock naked on the settee?

yes you are 100% allowed a personal life but kid is 15, deserves to know what’s going on

But that’s exactly what his mum is doing?

sounds like you think it should be a seedy secret? Secrets are never a good idea

I added an extra comment upthread which I said to maybe not use those words exactly.
Two consenting adults in a safe and respectful FWBs situation - what's unhealthy about that?

Why not? It’s true. Why are you ashamed? He’s 15 not 5

It’s perfectly healthy (assuming safe sex). Not everyone is a prude.

Its weird he didn't automatically assum it was a female friend come round for a coffee.
I feel like he already knew. Someone has been talking and it's got back fo your ds.

But it isn’t his business. Consent works in a lot of ways and OP wants to keep this part of her life private, why should she be forced into speaking about it. It’s her son’s home but it’s hers too and she’s the adult.

Tell him you're seeing someone, don't tell him or imply that it's a FWB.
I think most teens would find it easier to accept if they think their parent is seeing someone and having sex as part of that relationship, as opposed to just seeing someone for the sake of a sexual relationship.

He's found out there is a whole aspect of your life that he wasn't aware of, and you're the closest person in the world to him. It's probably very unsettling for him.

I'd say your ex is fishing and using ds to get information.. Tell ds again your private live is just that. Private..

This is tricky, don't envy you OP! But I would also consider the sort of message you want to send your son in terms of him being open and honest with you about his personal life. Not saying either of you needs to overshare on details, but surely you'd want to know if DS was in a sexual relationship so you can give guidance on safe sex, or to talk about acceptable ways to treat a partner (consent, respect etc) and how he should expect to be treated in return.

I imagine he felt really hurt by being barred entry to his own house (I'm not saying you had many other better options here!) the time he needed to collect his sports kit, and he probably feels very uncomfortable knowing that you're keeping something from him - especially as it sounds like he might be your only child, and if you haven't had another relationship since you and his Dad split up it must be weird for him to think he might have to share you with someone else.

It would be weird to tell him the whole truth- there’s no need . Just tell him you have a male friend who was a potential boyfriend but it didn’t work out and you’re just friends.

I’d be thinking along these lines too, though I’d probably be quite firm. There’s no way I’d have him thinking that he had the right to quiz any woman, let alone his own mother, about her sex life. He’s old enough to be told you are entitled to a private life and are not answerable to him.

Also, I’d be worried he’s feeding info back to your ex.

I really sympathise with your DS .

Honestly OP no wonder he has built this up into something he needs to know about given your secrecy. He must be really getting the feeling that there is something really wrong about this man and about your relationship with him.

I'm a great believer in openess and honesty. I realise you don't want to go into details about your sex life but I fail to understand why you haven't felt able to give your teenage son some watered down version of the truth: that it is a casual relationship. The more you refuse to divulge anything about your relationship with this mysterious man the more worried your son is going to get about what's going on.

Your son deserves better.

What is your Ex set up? I would ask your DS if Dad discusses his private life with him.

I think I'd probably tell him a version of the truth - he's a friend who you see infrequently and casually and won't be introducing him to your son anytime soon as it's not a serious relationship. Any questions about whether you're having sex should be met with that's not an appropriate question to ask and none of his business.

I would probably apologise for not letting him in the house as I'm sure that was unsettling and confusing for him. He knew you had a man in there and what you were doing which is not a nice thought for a 15 year old about their mum!