DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

So do I! This whole situation and OP’s poor handling of it is just so icky and sordid.

This I did laugh at her comment that perhaps she is “a prude”. 😅

I'm amazed that you think adding more lies to this situation is the solution.

There's already 11 years of not being straight with him - and you are going to fob him off with a lie and then carry on as you were? And it really is lying from here on in - it's not the same once you've been caught out, and now he knows.

What if he turns up unexpectedly with a friend next time?

Exactly this!

It's not been 11 years. It's been since he was 11 (ie 3 years).

Thanks for your opinion but I disagree. I wouldn't use your phrase 'fob him off with a lie and then continue as you were' but it is exactly what I think I might do, yes.

It would be very unlikely for him to turn up again. That is literally the only time ever that he has come to my house during the days he is meant to be with his dad. There have been many occasions when he's been with his dad since this incident and he hasn't come to the house again. And even if he did, the man is only here on about one in every ten occasions that my DS is at his dad's, and only for a couple of hours each time anyway. So the chances are very low.

And even if that 2% chance did come to pass, DS would then have to become suspicious. Then he would have to ask. And only at that point would I have to lie again, at which point if I said it was a different man to before he wouldn't ever know it was a lie.

I don’t understand why you would lie rather than day something like that you’re seeing someone casually and don’t want to introduce him to DS as it’s not serious.

In hindsight maybe this might have worked. But in the moment my thought was 'Shit, there's a naked man in my bed, I just want DS gone ASAP to avoid them meeting'. Obviously now I know that had DS come into the house and even goen upstairs to his own bedroom they wouldn't have met, but it was all a bit fraught in those moments. Plus, my bedroom door is never fully closed during the day and would have been then, which may have caused suspicions. Especially if he had tried to open it since he'd have found it locked from the inside!

Why lie? Why not just tell the truth? You have a friend that you see when DS is at his dad’s?
Don't be surprised if your DS starts keeping secrets and lying to you down the line.

But it is none of his business. Why is he even asking the questions?

Posters on here who are calling it ‘icky’ are they five years old etc - why isn’t the OP entitled to her own life without her son poking his nose in?

OP - get a grip. He’s your son, not your father. Don’t lie to him, just tell him it isn’t anything to do with him.

Alternatively, if you feel you have to keep lying then why bother? Dump the man and let your child dictate your life.

Why is a 15 yo so interested in his mother’s life/sex life anyway?

Because DS will ask questions, and even if it's none of his business I'd rather him think that there was no business to begin with. I want him to be as comfortable as possible in his home, and there is no need for him to think that sometimes I have a man over.

You can either answer his Qs or say it’s private.

A man does visit his home and he knows that. He’s not stupid. He will likely know you’ve lied and are still lying, which is way more risky / damaging than an age appropriate explanation of the truth IMO.

I don't see how "oh, that's a totally different man" would be reassuring in any way when it happens. If I were your son I would felt deceived and be worried about you bringing random/different men to the house.

As he gets older the wish/need for independent movement between homes will increase.

You have right for private life and he needs to accept it. Having a long term low level partner seems as the best option. A good men, you feel safe with him, no plans to bring him into a family. That's the reassurance.

Don't make it into a bigger deal than it is by lying.

He already knows a man comes over. He's always going to wonder if a man is coming over when he's at his Dad's. More security comes from being able to trust your parent to be honest. It's not like you're doing anything to be ashamed of, so why the lies?

Hope your man never leaves an accidental sock for your son to find.

You have clearly allowed him to behave like he has a say in your life. It doesn’t sound like a good dynamic as it’s almost like the parent/child relationship is reversed. You are tying yourself in knots lying to him (like you would if he was the parent and you were the teen)

If you don’t have the nerve to keep telling him to mind his business then stop seeing your man, tell your nosey little sod of a son everything and forget having any kind of social life until he deems it acceptable.

That ship has sailed. But sure, tell more lies to cover old ones.

Yup. The son is rapidly heading towards becoming a man who thinks he’s entitled to quiz women on their sex lives. He needs to be shut down and told this isn’t appropriate.

If you’re unwilling to use the term boyfriend, then he already knows it’s FWB. He’s 15, not 11. Also he will
have heard teen girls talking about the risks vs benefits to women’s safety of casual sex, so he might be worried you’re letting unsafe men into your house (of course you aren’t, but teenagers are very black and white in their thinking)

Also worth the OP thinking about where else she might meet her booty call as soon DS will be coming and going at any time of day and night (and being a teen, probably failing to communicate that well) rather than having set days at different houses

It’s really worrying, isn’t it! If he feels able to behave like this now, I pity future partners as he clearly has no respect even for his own mother, let alone other women, and his mother is scared to tell him the truth.

How likely is it, do you think, that a man who comes to my house wearing two socks will leave wearing one?

He will not be comfortable in his home if he knows you are lying. Or prevaricating.

He’s fifteen. It’s ok for him to know you have an aspect of your life that doesn’t involve him. Yes, he may need to adjust to the fact - but navigating change is part of growing up and living in the world.

He doesn’t get to dictate what you do. He’s not entitled to interrogate or reprimand you - you may be assured of that. But he’s entitled to have a mother who tells him the truth and conducts her life with honestly.

If he’s not getting the truth from you - he will, as you’ve already seen - be receiving and accepting an entirely negative view of your life from your ex. Is that what you want?

The more of your posts I read, the more you sound like the teen daughter trying to keep out of trouble with her father. That is concerning

I think it’s mean to not tell him since he already knows. It is his business because he already knows and you are his mum.

She’s entitled to have a private sex life when he’s away but clearly neither of them really believe that, so what’s the point?

He is not entitled to be in that pert of his mother’s life although she has clearly let him believe they are on some kind of footing where he’s entitled to interfere

Just a random example.

I think just telling him that yes, I have a friend over, yes, he's a male friend. Whether I have sex with him is my own personal business and it's not an okay question to ask someone.

Snarky comments about your sex life, not allowed and should be shut down. "That's not your concern."

No need to lie. I don't think it's unnatural he's curious about your life. He may find the idea of you entering into a new relationship and potentially bringing a man into his life and home difficult. He doesn't like you having a man over. Why? Is he worried about your safety? Maybe he needs reassurance he'll always come first before another man.

Yes, this is the exact same post from a few weeks ago. Odd.