DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

Just tell him that you are in a very casual relationship that you are certain isn't going to be serious but you enjoy the man's company. You don't need to lie about it.

Yet she’s treating him like a small child by lying about it.

I wonder if the OP’s son’s father now has a new relationship. Or a series of relationships.

Because it’s really not ok for the ex to be (as we can well imagine) poisoning his son’s mind against his mother.

The problem is that unless she is honest (and he really does not need details!) the ex gets to steal the narrative - and it’s almost impossible to recover from that.

I suspect that far from feeling ‘protective’ about his mother, he feels territorial and alarmed.

Perhaps she will transfer all her care and attention to this man?

What if she gets pregnant? Is that what she’s planning?

Will the man move in - and throw me out of the house?

The OP definitely needs to reassure him on these points.

OP your son clearly expects you to have to share your private life with him and to have a say in it. It’s probably too late to teach him to mind his own business and not to weigh in on things that are nothing to do with him.

Why is he so interested? Does he not have the normal teenage stuff going on?

This is right. She needs to put herself in her son's position and think what is going on in his head ... this is not prurient interest ... this is someone whose familiar position as the only "man" in her life since birth finds someone else suddenly on the scene who from his point of view has been sneaked in behind his back. It is a bit of a delicate situation and needs to be dealt with delicately.

Why all the angst. Why is this difficult. You just say, yes I started seeing someone, it’s very casual doubt it will go somewhere. Don’t worry about it. You can even say I ended it but was seeing someone, it’s no biggie

id also be curious why you’re inviting this man to your house for sex but don’t want anyone to know. Is he married?

The OP has kept him hidden from even her closest friends for three years!

It’s so strange. I’ve had the odd friend or acquaintance who’s been seeing someone who was married, or where they were themselves in a committed relationship. They’ve been anxious about the illicit nature of things - but not essentially about being in a sexual relationship. Because they were adults.

So whether the man is married or not it seems there’s something else driving the OP to keep this a secret. It’s impossible to know why, unless she tells us - but she appears to be deeply ashamed of engaging in a perfectly normal and legal adult activity. 🤷‍♀️

Yes the complete secrecy and the certainty it can’t go anywhere makes me think he’s married. I hope not. But I am struggling to find another reason.

I’ve had, and still have, friends with benefits/fuck buddies that my friends and family know nothing about. Some of those have been years-long arrangements, one has been ongoing since 2018. I’m single, they’re single, there’s no reason to hide, but neither do I feel it necessary to discuss my sex life with various people. We’ve seen on this thread alone the judgement people have about casual sex. I keep my private life private.

(Before anyone asks, yes, I have one very close friend who is aware of details as a safety precaution)

I see your point but I never suggested mentioning sex. I kept it short for a reason. Confirm the relationship, the sex is none of his business.

I think it was a mistake to not let your son into the house when he came to collect his sports kit.
That created an odd situation where your son didnt feel your home was his home and that you were hiding something. so,he started quizzing you.
i dont think you have to explain the nature of your relationship with this man to anyone ,certainly in relation to sexual matters.
Just tell your DS he's a friend.

You need to reassure him about the stuff that does affect him - not your sex life:

• You're not going to marry anybody
• Nobody is going to move into your home
• He's not going to suddenly acquire step brothers and sisters
• You're not involved with anybody he knows (like parents of his friends at school or similar)
• You're not sharing your money with anyone else
• You're not going to get pregnant

You can talk about ways you keep yourselves when dating people who don't come with a pre existing connection eg. friend of a friend ie. you only invite people you trust into your home having met them elsewhere first. It might be more reassuring for him to know it's one person for a long period of time (from which he can reason that eg. nothing has been stolen from your home). He's likely to come across dates who are reluctant to take him to their homes in the early stages in the coming years.

About sex there are things you might think about / say:

• You never do partnered sexual things when he's at home. Does that make for a workable house rule for you both when he's older?
• The soundproofing situation is xxx
• That your sex lives are private and he'll never overhear you (and you don't want to hear him) (but obviously you're his mum and if he ever needs a lift to the sexual health clinic you can do that) You need both strands of thought here - you're both entitled to private sex lives and there are questions you don't ask each other, but good sexual health is important as is contraception.

Also worth thinking about your lover and son meeting over a cup of tea. Awkward, but real live people are usually less scary than the imaginary versions. The man can just become "mum's friend who comes over sometimes when I'm out"

You don't need to lie and lying loses you the moral high ground around your son lying.

Being more honest with him as best. When my Mum started doing something similar I stopped seeing her as my Mum and safe place. It created a barrier that changed our relationship negatively, indefinitely unfortunately.

I think she knows that

If he's worried you won't let him back into his own home when your 'friend' is visiting, God knows what's going through his mind. As some one else has said, his mind could be racing -what if he moves in am I kicked out etc. His home is his safe place and that feeling of security may have been jolted because of the way it was handled.

Ok, so I'm in a similar kind of relationship but my daughter is older and away at uni which makes things less complex.

I'd sit him down, apologise for the PE kit situation and possibly making him feel like he wasn't welcome on his own doorstep.
Then is explain that I've been seeing someone for a while but as we've both got busy, happy lives it's not going to progress to meet the family or anything more serious any time soon.

makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

Then I'd shut this and the grilling when he comes home and telling your ex your business right down. It's inappropriate, disrespectful and has slightly misogynist vibes.

Honestly I think this happened because you didnt let him in. Which i think is shitty. Surely the man could have just been in your room with the door shut.i can see why this would lead to him being moody.

At 15 I think you can be both honest and private. Yes son, I had male company over - its none of your business what we were doing but if I start a romantic relationship that I think has prospects ill tell you about it and if I think its appropriate ill introduce you. But until then im entitled to my privacy and while some of my friends are men it doesn't mean I am having sex with them and if I was I am allowed to be private about that.

While I think this situation may have made DS embarrassed and feel pushed away, and I think at 15 hes owed some honesty. Its not appropriate to ask people if they were having sex, hed know not to ask his gran, his teacher, the bus driver etc so he shouldnt be asking you and id talk to him about a balance of honesty, privacy and appropriate conversation

Tell him you’ve taken a lover. Hopefully that notion will revolt him so thoroughly - there won’t be any more questions. Equally you could throw any q back to him, in the spirit of honesty ‘are you sleeping with anyone at the moment?’. I’d imagine either of those approaches should put a full stop on the matter.

Why didn’t you just reply to his text and say you weren’t home? You could easily have just said you had popped out to the shops and that you’d bring his PE kit over to his dad’s asap. Then kicked the bloke out and taken the PE kit straight away. Surely that would have been better than causing him anxiety about you having strange men in the home while he is away?

Sorry OP, I haven't read the full thread, but can't see an answer to my question in any of your posts, so can i ask, why does the man always come to your place, why can't you go to his? That way you can say to your son that he rather put you on the spot the night he came to collect his kit, and you were embarrassed to tell him that you had a boyfriend there, but as it's over now, you feel you should be honest with him.

@Silvertapped do you think his Dad has stirred it?

Is he in a relationship ie lives with another woman,kids etc

Is tell him this guy is a 'friend with benefits'.
He's old enough to understand that, plus it's so much better than saying he's your 'fuck buddy'!

His home is his safe place where he has lived for many years most of the time. When he goes to his dads for the weekend he has probably thought of his home with you just waiting undisturbed / safe / normal until he returns. So when he forgot his kit and realised a man was there its shocked him out of his safe zone / bubble. So I dont think this is specfically about him prying into your life so much as him trying to come to terms with his safe home and safe mum not feeling the same as before. The problem with the man being a mystery to him is that the imgination can run wild and its the fear of the unknown. With this unknown man being in his home whilst he is away. I appreciate he isnt a BF and this is an arragement of convenience but for the sake of your son getting his head around it aged 15 I would just refer to him as a BF but not a serious one, no plans on liivng together or getting married (which may also be on his mind). Maybe show him a photo and tell him about him to satisfy his curiosity. Maybe even arrange a meeting so that its not so interesting and mysterious any more. But then keep reinforcing it is a BF not a partner, not serious, not long term etc so he feels more settled - its probably just unsettled him a bit. With a bit of reassurance and mystery removing from this person im sure he would soon loose interest .