DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

It does read as though he’s married.

Yes I think in your shoes I would be truthful and honest and say that this is odd for you as well and that you weren’t sure how to handle it in the moment and you’re sorry if it made him feel uncomfortable. It’s good to model honest and open adult conversations with teens so that they can open up to you about their own stuff if they need to.

It wasn't unexpected - he texted you to say he was coming home. At that point you should have thrown on your clothes and thrown the bloke out.

Going forward, just tell him you have a boyfriend that you're seeing, it's not serious, and that you're not ready for him and ypur bloke to meet - and then review whether it's more important for you to have casual sex or your child to have a safe home he can come into at literally any point of the day or night.

Just tell him he's a casual boyfriend. And let him into his own house next time. Poor kid.

He's not married.

I assume he has a key?
so the risk is that he'll just come back randomly one day to find out what is going on and who it is, and will actually catch you having sex.
I don't know what the answer is, but I think you need to try to find a way to placate his curiosity.

it's weird to him that there's strange men in his home whenever he leaves. ok, there isn't but now in his head, there may well be. you refused to let him in. why if he has a massive arguement with Dad and wants to come home but you won't let him because of ttheres so bloke in their naked on the sofa? ok, you wouldn't in that circ refuse to let him in, but you have once so in his brain, why not again?

I think I'd aim for a minimalist answer. you have a friend you occasionally enjoy spending time with, but there's no reason he'd ever meet him because it will never be a relationship he needs to be a part of.
if he asks about sex, ask if he thinks that's an appropriate question to ask anyone, let alone his Mom? no.
then you can kinda grey wall it and repeat the same words but at least he's getting an swer to how many strange blokes are walking around his house for sex

Safe home? Blimey. In fairness, he needed his sports kit. Not refuge from a gang of marauding vikings.

I'd just say why are you so interested in my sex life then start asking him about his he will soon shut up

As others have suggested. I think you should tell him that you have a boyfriend but it's a very new relationship and nothing serious. Keeping it a government secret is only going send his young mind into overdrive. The "sports kit" scenario is highly likely to happen again too, so you owe your son an explanation as why you're denying him entry to his own home. I do not however agree with using the term FWB to him.

I honestly didn't have the time. Ex lives ten mins walk away and the text said DS was already on his way. I didn't want DS running into the man on the doorstep or to see him leave the house so all I had time to do was get dressed myself.

I think the choice you mention is somewhat dramatic, and I dont think it is a choice between those two things at all.

where was the bloke? I don't think I'd be risking sex downstairs in the daytime if there's a chance your son might pop back? whilst you were getting dressed couldn't he have gone to your bedroom out of the way?

I think it's in part the "you aren't welcome because I've a man here" that's causing the issue

He does have a key but the front door has a bolt which I use (not just for when the man is around, but for whenever I am alone in the house, and at night). There was never a chance of him walking in on us.

Have you posted this exact same scenario before but DS actually walked in on the sex. Same age boy, amicable ex, unexpected return home. I’ve read this before within the last couple of weeks.

Your son is asking very prurient questions and it sounds quite disrespectful. You're entitled to a private life. In spite of the "divorced mum must live like a nun" brigade on here. You've made a huge effort to keep it private too.
Would he like you asking questions about his sex life, guaranteed he would not! Perhaps ask some nosey questions yourself.
If he brings it up again tell him it's private. He might have been shocked to not be let in as normal but he needs to get over it.

Same. Very familiar.

He was upstairs. A previous poster mentioned the sofa but God knows why. We were in my bedroom upstairs, which is where I left him.

Er, no! What is that thread? Might have some useful answers!

You did have time - it takes minute or 2 to throw on some clothes and get the bloke out of the door. Ultimately, those are your choices when you have a child in the house who's going between 2 homes and things like forgotten PE kits are a reality. Now that it's happened once and your don has expressed how he's feeling about it, then it's up to you to decide if your FWB arrangement can/should continue in the way it is.

Dunno where you’d find it but the sex was on the sofa that time so might be why it’s getting mentioned.

Honestly I think you need to apologise for not allowing him into his home, that alone has probably shaken him up.

I'd shut down snarky remarks about me having sex by saying, 'Are you really sure you want to discuss your mother's possible sex life in detail? And are you prepared to do the same once you start having sex? Do you want to talk it all over with your mother? At the moment you are demonstrating a real lack of respect and boundaries to me. I am not currently seeing anyone serious and am not going to take these continual little digs from you. If I do get to the point in a relationship where I'm actually dating someone long term then I will introduce you to them. Until then you don't get to make sarcastic remarks to me about my possible sex life. It's rude and disrespectful and won't be tolerated'.

I'd be very firm about this. He doesn't get to police your private life and make snarky comments.

Turning him away from the house was daft.
My step kids mum did that (they had wanted to drop her a present as we walked past). They were so hurt. And I guessed straight away she must have had a man in the house

Just be honest that it's a very casual relationship

100%

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5536072-teenage-son-saw-me-having-sex-and-now-wont-speak-to-me?page=1

Ok maybe not those words.
Something like...
"His name is Mark. He isn't my boyfriend because we don't go out on dates but he comes round when you are at your dads and we spend time together."
A 15 year old will know that means sex.
He will either be "ewww...gross" or "ok".