DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

Yes, everything you’ve said here I think you should do. You need to be honest with him he is 15 and not being straight will do more damage in the long run than discomfort in the short term. He will find it a shock realising that mum is not just mum but keeping things from him might make him resentful and distrust you in the future. Being a teen is hard enough without feeling you haven’t got solid foundations and finding out things you don’t know about the most important person in your life without explanation. You haven’t done anything wrong so taking the stance that it’s your private life and he has no right to know seems to be quite harsh for a good mother son relationship. He’s old enough to understand when things are explained to him, I always think honesty is the best policy especially when it comes to children.

I’d be suspicious that your ex is using your son to fish for information and/ or having inappropriate conversations with him. Your son doesn’t have a right to know if you’re having sex - it would be weird to share that with him.

I think lying and saying there's no man would be a huge mistake - he's only going to lose trust and respect for you as your behaviour was so odd that there was clearly something going on. You obviously weren't about to have a shower - why would that mean he couldn't come in?

I don't blame you for not wanting to say you've got a FWB, no one wants to hear that from their mum. I agree with others that you say you've got a casual boyfriend and if it ever gets serious then he will be able to meet him if he wants. He shouldn't need to ask whether you're having sex or not because of course you have sex with your boyfriend even if he's casual.

If you say it's your private life and it's none of his business then he may just feel shut out and like this bloke must be more of a priority than him.

I wouldn’t want my 15 year old to think it’s healthy to have fuck biddies. So I would tell him a white lie “boyfriend but still early days and seeing how things go”

Tell him you were having a wank and he will never ask again..!

I think what you did, in the circumstances, was fine. Personally I think saying you have a FWB is a bit too much for a 15 year old, but what a PP said ie that you have a boyfriend but it's early days and you don't want to introduce him is ok. Then just let it slide.

Your son is probably just intrigued and I expect a bit protective and horrified, all at once. He will get over it and you didn't embarrass him or do anything inappropriate. It's just they can't imagine us as sexual beings!

if this was reversed and his dad had an unexpected guest, would he be overthinking how to explain it? Or just say “sorry, I have a friend over”?

Don't lie, not worth the risk of him finding out anyway.

Confirm you are sometimes seeing someone, not every time he is away, just from time to time , but don't plan to marry him or even introduce him now, because you don't plan to play family with him.

I'd hope that giving him a simple answer and giving him a chance to ask a question or two (with you deciding very simple answers- sex? That's a private matter. Is he nice/safe? - yes, all is fine. Are you planning to live/marry/introduce? - no the current level of relationship/intensity works for both of you. What if he needs to come home - just give me a call, you'll arrange stuff ) would make him much more comfortable than whatever his fantasy will come up with.

I wouldn't have "thrown the bloke out" as a PP suggested. DS said he was coming to pick up his kit and presumably go back to wherever he was when he discovered it missing. I'd have asked your guest to stay in your bedroom with the door closed and keep quiet until you got back in the anticipating that DS might've wanted to come in and use the loo, grab a snack, pick something else up from his own room, etc. (If there's any risk he'd go into your room without asking then that's a different problem.)

But what's done is done; you've already told him you did have a guest so I think at most apologising for not letting him in the house and saying you were surprised he'd come home and made a snap decision which might not have been the best one is sufficient. You can tell him there's a particular bloke, it's an ongoing relationship but not serious and so you had no intention for DS to meet him even in passing. I'd probably answer questions about could it get serious, is the guy married and that's why you're "hiding", is it someone he knows, etc. but hold the line that intimate details are private.

At 15, DS is not going to have much idea about the ins and outs of handling relationships and children after a divorce so he might be thinking all kinds of things, but ultimately he either accepts you apology/explanation or not. His continuing to nag after you've told him you won't discuss your sex life and his snarky comments are unacceptable, but you know him best - is there really an issue with his being disrespectful (and possibly misogynist) or is it just worry, lack of experience and passing immaturity? Will your letting him know why what he is doing is wrong help him behave more reasonably, or will knowing it bothers you spur him to escalate?

I was wondering the exact same thing! I just remembered that thread too.

Fifteen? Ok I'd say I have a (man) friend I'm seeing, I'd apologise for not letting him in but in the moment you didn't think the time was right to introduce them to each other, tell him it's early days but promise you'll introduce him if you can see it being something long term/serious, if he'd like that. Ask him if he has any questions. Answer anything that's fair and above board, decline to comment on intimate details.

ETA if he does keep on asking if you've been having sex every time he's away, I wouldn't be above asking him about his own sex life/any gf or bf to hopefully weird him out and shut him up.

He's 15 and he knows that something is going on that he isn't being told about. Of course, he's asking question.

Can you not just tell him that you've started dating again but are taking it slowly and due to distance and other commitments so it's unlikely to become very serious any time soon.

I really feel for the lad. Just tell him the truth. Kids know when they’re being lied to.

Tell him to mind his own business

If it was information he needed to know then fine. But it really isn’t anything to do with him

Yes this.

I like a PP’s idea of saying it’s someone you’ve been seeing for years, but it’s not serious. Then if he asks further questions just answer them truthfully. Definitely don’t use fuck buddy as a phrase. ‘Seeing someone’ sounds completely reasonable.

Maybe let him in and casually introduce the man as your friend? He doesn't need to know if there is more to it. You made it mysterious and he's done his own calculations.

Alternatively, just leave the guy upstairs being very quiet so your son doesn't even know he's there.

Think this is perfect. And it is good to have honest relationship with your child so they feel comfortable sharing with you in the future

Wouldn’t it be easier if you went to your friends house instead of him coming to yours if you want to keep your son out of the equation?

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t just let your DS in to pick up his kit and tell your friend to just stay in your bedroom.

As a mum of a teen, I’d say the sex part of definitely none of his business, and I’d tell him to stop being so rude and invasive.

I think he does have the right to know a small bit of information that is age appropriate. I would just say that I’m seeing this guy, I haven’t told anyone, but I’m seeing how it goes. And that’s it. If it becomes serious you will let him (DS) know.

Just say he’s a man you are seeing but you’re not ready to introduce to DS and just leave it at that.

I get all the points about him being 15 and adapting to a new phase in his life, and needing security. I also think there's something to the secrecy and initial lying being not the best way to have handled that. I think that as well as teaching him about appropriate questions to ask, you also need to teach him about what adults do, so being a bit open with him (whilst also pointing out that the questions weren't appropriate, especially if asked in a way that was accusatory) and talking about different approaches to relationships and how to decide what you want and what you're ready for, maybe pointing out that because he's at home you don't want a more serious relationship, would be my approach.

But if this was my child, what would concern me from what you have written is the way he is trying to be controlling. It's one thing for him not to want a new bloke moving in and living there, it's quite another to suggest you shouldn't have someone home when he isn't even there. I think it's really important to call that out for the controlling (and quite possibly steeped in misogyny) attitude that it is and discuss how you can both be respectful of each other - as he is likely to be getting to a stage in his life where romantic partners become of interest pretty soon if he isn't already.

Well, you are telling him that you are shagging some guy who he can't meet because the guy is not very serious, although still a regular and ongoing fixture in your life, and you've decided for your son that it is unreasonable for him to care.

But perhaps he feels like he's the one that you are keeping away from this guy. Perhaps he feels like the inconvenient and unknowable part of your life? The one stood at the doorstep, disallowed from his home because you are ashamed of him.