DS asking about my personal life.

[Silvertapped]

Not quite sure how to handle this or even which of us is in the wrong.

I have a DS aged 15. He lives with me 5 days a week, and at his Dad's the other two nights. His dad and I have been separated since DS was 7 but we get on reasonably. For the last three years I have been seeing a man every few weeks for sex. This arrangement works well for me. The man and I have never been on a date or even met anywhere except my house other than the very first time we met. He has never met DS, and only comes round on the days when DS is with his dad.

A few months ago DS had forgotten his sports kit so texted me saying he was coming to get it. I was with my male friend at the time but went downstairs and gave DS his kit. DS wanted to come inside but I said I had a friend visiting and it wasn't convenient. Obviously I wouldn't have wanted to deny him access to his own house but in that moment I didn't really have a better idea and he seemed fine with it.

The next day when DS came back he asked me outright if it was a male friend and if we had been having sex. I told him it wasn't an appropriate question to ask, but he said that he didn't like the idea of a strange man being in the house. I said that I was an adult entitled to a private life.

Since then, most times he has come back from his dad's, he has asked the same questions. He has also told his dad that I am seeing someone and makes snarky remarks about me being busy having sex etc.

I admit that it wasn't ideal on the day of the sports kit incident. But I am always 100% discreet with this man, and surely deserve a private life. I don't want to talk about whether I am seeing someone or not, because the nature of the relationship isn't one I want to get into with DS, nor do either the man nor I want the man to meet DS ever.

What would you say to DS in these circumstances? I could just lie and say that there is no man, but that would be a lie. Should I just be firm and tell him to stop asking? Or tell half the truth?

This is more than just your private life - as he said a stranger goes into his home and this stranger is so important to you to that you refused your son entry to his own home because of this stranger. Of course he’s upset / affected by it. Just introduce them mystery over.

Which is perfectly appropriate because it’s her house. She’s in charge and gets to decide who comes in. He’s a child, it’s his home but he doesn’t get to dictate terms.

I can't imagine refusing my mid-teenager entry to their own home. Sends a clear message that this man is a priority over him though.

I’d say you are casually dating people, but not seeing anyone seriously at the moment, and you’ll definitely introduce him if you ever do have a serious relationship in the future.

It is 100% because you are being so cagey and weird about this! I can see why, but you are definitely making it worse by being so evasive.

OP, so sorry this has happened. You are indeed entitled to a private life but this isn't private now, is it? He has found out and I do completely understand him having questions. I think I would be more worried if he wasn't bothered.

Although it is your house and you should feel free to do what you see fit there, it is also his home and it being off limits to him could be really hard. I think it is particularly difficult that he will never meet this man, not that I am suggesting an introduction, but not knowing anything about him will make him feel a threat. There is no humanising 'oh it's ok, it's just Mum's mate Steve' to reassure him.

I think everyone should have sex with whoever they see fit as long as it is consensual and there is no cheating, but this would be very difficult to discuss honestly with him and then object to him behaving similarly in the future. How might you feel if he was in a similar situation with a girl at school? He's 15 which is that awful time of being both man and boy simultaneously and I wish I had a neat way of explaining this to him that also promotes him treating future partners with respect but I haven't managed to come up with anything.

I think you should be firm on making disrespectful remarks towards you. It might be worth an apology for not letting him in the house. Honesty but not detail he doesn't need would seem best. Would it be at all possible for this situation to move location to your man's house? You could then reassure him that he won't come home to that situation again with honesty but refuse to be dictated to in terms of your private life.

I think this is a very common situation the other way around: many parents sort of accept their older teens are having sex but don't want to hear about it or come home to discover it in their house. I think he might be feeling this plus some sort of protective impulse towards you. He doesn't know this man is treating you well and, as someone he loves, is within his rights to be concerned plus there is probably an unwarranted fear that if he didn't know about this, what else are you hiding? You are his mum. I don't know that any of us would be especially comfortable with considering our mums to be someone's FB. Would you? It might not be entirely logical but I don't feel you can alter that. Good luck, OP.

I can’t imagine a mother not being able to tell her kid it’s none of his business.

Two separate issues, I think. Of course she should tell him that but she hasn't helped the overall situation.

He'll probably gravitate more to his father, if things are more welcoming there.

I’m guessing he has told your ex and he is pressing him to find out more

The judgemental tone of some on here is very strange. OP hasn't committed a crime, she is behaving in a normal human way. Despite her discretion she was surprised and is now trying to find the least damaging way to reassure her son.

Time for some honesty - stop playing games with him. He is not daft.

The arrangement you have with this man is a bit bizarre in my book and not terribly helpful to your son in terms of understanding relationships so it might be hard to explain to him, but if this is what you are doing you must not prevaricate or lie to him.

Keeping him out of his own home was a wrong move as you know.

Don't leave him in this limbo - he will simply stop trusting you, which I am sure you do not want. If he is old enough to have joined the dots he is old enough to hear the truth. But personally I would also be trying to help him understand that most ongoing sexual relationships are not as coldly transactional as yours. That there is usually some emotional attachment and commitment. He is just starting to learn about relationships and you do not want him feeling confused.

He may well do. But she has clearly let him believe he’s entitled to know what’s going on but then she doesn’t want to tell him.

A 15 yo should not be able to get involved in his mother’s personal life, however that ship has apparently sailed so OP is stuck whatever she does

But there is nothing wrong with that detachment if it works for them. I don’t think it’s remotely bizarre.

However it’s even more reason not to tell him. He’s not mature enough to understand about this kind of relationship. Although apparently he’s mature enough that asking his mother about her sex life is okay,

If it hadn't been so mysterious and she hadn't lied and made his home off bounds, it would probably have been less of a big deal. I think it's natural that he's curious about his mother's life. My kids show an interest in my interests and life. I think they'd be extra curious if I shut them out of their home over something. I think honesty with boundaries is the best approach. Yes, I have a friend over sometimes, yes, he is a man. Whether I have sex with him or not is not your concern and an inappropriate question."

I think it can be somewhat rescued. "Son, I was caught quite off guard when you stopped by the other evening. I was a bit on the spot so didn't reply in the best way. Yes, I do have a friend over and he is a man. I don't think whether I am having sex with him or anyone else is your concern though, and that's not something you should ask or that I'm going to talk about. If there is ever anyone that I do have a serious relationship with, I will introduce you when the time is right. Meanwhile, you don't have to worry that any man will ever be a problem for you and our relationship."

Yes, there was a very recent post with this scenario.

He’s 15 not a young child. He knows what’s going on and is naturally curious. Best to tell him the basics. Just tell him you’ve got a person you see but it’s just casual and that he can come home anytime but needs to give a bit of notice (maybe half an hour?). Let your fwb know that he could be kicked out at short notice any time he’s at yours.

Very good advice.

I think you're taking completely the wrong tack by lying to him @Silvertapped . Even if you tell him it's over, he's going to remain suspicious.

You need to be honest with him. Yes you're seeing someone. No it's not serious. No he can't meet him because he's not your boyfriend, it's not that type of relationship. No it's never going to get more serious. No, you're not going to end it. No, he's never alone in the house, he doesn't go into your son's room.

Your son is nearly an adult. He deserves to know that this bloke is often in his home, and he deserves to know that he can come back to his home if he needs to on a weekend without uncovering a big secret.

As pp said just pretend he's your boyfriend but not serious. I'm not sure why he couldn't come in the house, you could have said he's from work etc if he was on the sofa and wouldn't know he was there if he was in bed already.

Tell ds you have a fwb and its only that.
If he wants honesty and to know whos.around its possibly a protective child thing going on.
Why hide or lie.. he is bound to show up and spring ypu again...to tell him no to come into the house is plain Odd!
We all know most teens know alot more these days.

But your ds doesnt need to know he is not your bf though.

You ds wants to know what is happening in your life, and its up to you if you describe this man as a fuck buddy or a boyfriend. No one else needs to know, or care to be honest.

I think if he asks again there will have to be something along the lines of him being a new friend but that it didn't go anywhere and is done with now

Fucking hell - you are planning to lie to the poor kid.

I think this is the difficulty. There is NO consensus on how to do this ‘right’ once you’re divorced.

We have every opinion on this thread from it being grotesque to have sex with someone in an empty house, to get a proper boyfriend instead.

I am personally finding a new partner and teenagers in the house tricky to navigate, and these threads make it so confusing.

It’s clear that a lot of you haven’t had to deal with it really I guess. It’s very hard to know what’s right, but adults are still entitled to a life in the time the house is empty.

Unforeseen situations are just that, and I won’t sit alone in my empty home until they both turn 18 just in case they ever forget their PE kit. It’s just not feasible.

Yeah, most men can manage to put two socks on, even after sex.

i think I'd go wth something like. I'm seeing someone, we enjoy spending some time together occasionally, but don't want to he in a full on relationship.

if he directly asks if you're having sex with him, I'd say something like 'DS that's an inappropriate question to ask others. But yes sometimes we have sex'.

I think it's better not to lie. But this implies it not 'just sex' but is truthful that you do have sex with him.

i personally think it would be worse to say it's over & if anything else happens say it's a new man.

you're getting into the older teenage years where they come & go as they please, you can't rely on them being at Dads like when they're younger.

I know you have a bolt on the door, that's sensible. Don't forget to use it 😊

No judgment here - each to his own. Bizarre to me, but not to OP - that is fine. But this is not the norm and her son needs to know this so he can move forward with his relationships as they develop.

As to refusing to discuss it with him at all as it is none of his business as some have suggested, I think that ship has sailed - he knows something is going on in what is also his home and with his mother. It is not possible to just let this slide.

He now knows she has a man in her life now and will be puzzled as to why this has never been mentioned and why he has not appeared in their lives. This is the situation as it is now and OP needs to find the most sensitive way of handling this with a young teenager whose life experience is small.

Under normal circumstances most first teenage relationships are not just one night stands and have some element of connection in them. He will be putting a toe in the water soon and it is important that he does not get the message that bonk 'em and go is the only route.

I’d just say “I want to be clear, there’s no one significant in my life right now but I do have friends whose company I enjoy while you’re at your dad’s. I promise I’ll introduce you to anyone I meet who becomes important.”

i think he’s scared you’ll suddenly move in a bloke and feels unsettled so just needs reassurance.

I think if he asks again there will have to be something along the lines of him being a new friend but that it didn't go anywhere and is done with now. - great - so now you plan to lie to him! What happens if son rocks up and he's there again?

This (as above) makes a lot of sense:
i think I'd go with something like. I'm seeing someone, we enjoy spending some time together occasionally, but don't want to he in a full on relationship.
if he directly asks if you're having sex with him, I'd say something like 'DS that's an inappropriate question to ask others. But yes sometimes we have sex'.

It's damage limitation time. But do not lie! He already feels mistrustful of you as he feels left out of the loop as to what is happening in his own home and with his own mother - do not compound this situation by lying. For him this must feel pretty fundamental. The status quo has changed behind his back. If you lie or say nothing at all in response to his questions he will feel even more undermined.