“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

Aren't you creating most of those issues yourself?

If I'd gone to stay with the specific purpose of helping while DS was away, I'd do the cleaning, cooking etc while you were at work. I certainly wouldn't expect you to be doing anything above what you usually do food or cleaning wise, and how many times does a bed need changing in a week?

Just don't do any of those extras if you don't want to.

Completely agree- it is only marginally (if that) helpful and you can't relax.
Cant believe he treated himself to a lie in instead of lightening your load. I would take yourself off for a coffee or a walk if you get a chance now he's back.

I don't understand- if you're there why is your MIL coming too? Just say you can manage on your own.

Three kids and I work 60-80hours per week. One kid isn’t at school and has to be taken to GCSEs at strange times, one has to be taken to his work experience place. I took last two weeks off to support/be taxi driver/revision overseer/playstation limiter 🤣- this was his week.

'Do that & I'll smother you in your sleep'

in reality how would him saying 'no' re going away impact his job?

do you have joint or separate finances?

would paid help have been useful?

(Why can't MIL cook & tidy up if she's coming to help? How does she actually help?)

My best friend's husband calls his mum to stay any time she isn't there. Imagine being incapable / unwilling to look after your own children alone for a few nights.

This is utterly unacceptable isn’t it?

you work 70 hours a week, do all the kid stuff of top, and he fucks off for a week.

absolutely fucking not.

assuming you want to stay together (and if not there’s an easy fix) then put your foot down. ‘No’.

why are you making her bed, and not him?

unless the drip feed is that his job earns over £500k a year and thus he has to be available with no notice to go away for a week and because of this you can both retire at 40. If no, then ‘no’.

Shame needs to switch sides.

set some expectations with mil. She can make her own bed up. She can cook some meals at night. She can tidy up. She is there to help it’s not a holiday

I feel your pain... dh and I knew we'd be busy this month so we invited my mum to come for 3 weeks... she's doing school and nursery pickups and the washing up and we've told her how grateful we are.

But

1. she doesn't cook for us as she'd fluster and flap, cook too little portions, and dish up at 10pm, so

1. I (or dh) have to cook for her, and she's vegetarian, but my kids are fussy meat eaters, so that's at least two dinners a night
2. She told my daughter her eyebrows are messy and "need straightening out daily" and I got cross (dd is 5yo)
3. She eats very noisily
4. Her only conversation is gossip, mostly about people I don't know or care about
5. She panics and gets into a fluster about the most basic of things like catching a particular bus

And breathe!

The number of hours you work is just crazy and unsustainable. How do you cope? And what’s your long-term plan?

YANBU. Your h sounds pretty useless

Since you both have careers and work a lot surely you have financial ressources to outsource? Taxi for kids- cleaner- baby-sitter- take-outs (yes there are healthy options). Make your life easier. I wouldn't be able to work so many hours tbh even without kids so I have no idea how you do it.

Number 3 would be too much for me. That's why I don't eat with anyone if I can help it. Only adult noice bothers me though (to the point that I lose my appetite and don't eat- not the kids- they can chew how loudly they want. Weird

Does your husband work similar hours? If so, surely you have the funds to pay to help some of these issues? Can you pay cleaners, taxis etc?

You’re both working a lot!!

Why did DH need to travel?

Surely as a parent he needs to just say no because he’s got kids to look after.

Are all 3 teens? Could they not sort their own transport?

Haha I know right, several years ago I snapped at her for it and she sheepishly "tried to chew more quietly" and I felt terrible so I'm never saying anything about it again. At least my dh eats quietly.

I havent even noticed whether my kids eat quietly or not because I'm too pre-occupied by preventing my ds from stealing dd's pudding, because she insists on eating it unreasonably slowly (Are you done with that? No! Argh) making sure she eats any protein at all, making sure he eats any vegetable at all (ever)...and trying not to explode when they both sing the same line of a song over and over.

I'm so, so overwhelmed. Big deadlines at work at the moment for both me and dh.

So yeah, I'm with op, can't decide if my DM is making our lives easier or harder! Dh says definitely easier, but that's because school pickups and the washing up are both usually his jobs...

Your DH is pathetic. How unattractive

I don’t get why you’ve not properly divided up the mental load if you and DH both work hard.

Presumably two of your children are old enough to help out?

Cancel the Mum. Hire a nanny. You can't tick all the boxes AND work a 60-80 hour week while raising 3 kids with a twat.

My friends DH did the same thing. Even if it was for a few hours. Friend had surgery so I was asked to pick up their grocery order. Dropping it off, I saw he was home, dicking about and his DM was there, cooking/childcare/cleaning etc.

The look I gave him was so pissed off even he understood the context, and said 'oh, I could have done that, couldn't I....' Never asked again. Just made his mum do it all.

I think I do better 3-5 days of solo parenting. The house is clean, the children know they can’t get away with anything by playing us off each other, I plan days to military regime 😂. I adore DH, but idk how he makes so many dishes and so much mess. Anything after 5-7 days, I’m exhausted and praying for his return! But yes, short term I’d be the same as you and it’s harder with another person to carer to.

@HotandSteamy did your dh brief his mum that you could use the help while he's away as you are on a 60-80h work week and the kids' sched is full-on, or did he ask her to stay to keep you company? Is MiL one to recognize she's not on holiday at yours and you are exhausted and in no position to entertain?
Could you order meal delivery kits and ask her to take charge of it then have a glass of wine together in the evening for a chat then leave her with Netflix telling her you're dead on your feet and go to bed?

M