“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Oh dear.

The employer is not responsible for their staff not being able to organise their own home lives

I wish I had a DM or DMIL - both have passed away so this isn’t even an option for us.

spare a thought for people who this isn’t an option and have to plate juggle all the time.

I agree it sounds hideous!

What a loser you married.
No doubt is travelling deliberately to avoid his week.

Clearly you tolerate it, so that's all you will get.

This was always my ex-husband's default solution too, if I needed to go away/was sick/work overtime or anything that meant I couldn't fully shoulder the entire mental and physical load of running the house and looking after the kids. His mum would come and then I'd be looking after her, too, while she lolled around drinking tea and trying to talk to me while I was working. Nice woman but not actually any kind of help.

Anyway we're not together any more.

I'm sorry for your loss but a lot of us have both and relying on them still isn't an option!

Agree with a lot of posters that your older children should be able to sort out their own lunches and travel to exams / work experience.
The one doing GCSE’s isn’t in school due to the exam timetable so should be able to organise their day around transport and exams.
Even if you live rurally with buses every hour (?) your child could go early to school and revise in the library? The school isn’t closed bar for exams?
The one doing work experience, well unless I’m missing the point - the week should reflect what they would be doing once in full time employment?

At this stage in your life you shouldn’t really need any additional help? Even if your primary aged child is in reception they’re able to get themselves dressed at the very least giving you 10 mins to sort out their lunch?

Maybe I’m too harsh - I have an autoimmune condition, work full time, currently dealing with a fractured foot, two primary school aged children and a husband who works long hours and closest family is 2 hours away. When I called my mum to say I’d fallen on the stairs and fractured my foot I was immediately told I can’t come to help you 🤷‍♀️

So you are rich and busy? Ah well.

Op I have no advice but I just wanted to say, huge respect on your organisation and life skills. Working this amount of hours and caring for 3 kids on top of it is a huge achievement. Once it gets less busy promise me to treat yourself!

Like someone else I am not sure I believed it entirely. Unless she is a barrister or something of that ilk. Which can mean working all hours and if a case takes a turn, especially so. And ditto husband. Which means no, he isn’t playing about and not doing ‘his week’. It means that he has to travel for work.

OP, if I had your life, and then MIL got added to the mix, I would implode.

Yes there is this as well
some people have parents and they aren’t able to help either because they aren’t well or live too far away or have the “it’s my time now” attitude now they’re retired. Everyone has a different situation don’t they?

me and my sister tag team with our kids and help each other where we can but we all work and it is hard.

solidarity to everyone who struggles

So does his mum do anything useful at all?

If not just tell him no, you don't need her.

Wow this blew up!

But I’m a consultant emergency surgeon.
Last week I did 7am to 9pm Friday/Saturday/Sunday
7am to 6pm Monday to Friday
I was also on call overnight Tuesday and as out of my bed operating between 2am and 6am

you do the maths!!
(all consultant emergency surgeons have signed out of EWTD as there aren’t enough of us)

if you add in the fact I have about 40 patients under my care at any one time in the hospital which I get continual calls about then Yes that’s 60+ hours per week. So please don’t question me.

Might be expected in hospitality but it's definitely not often expected in medical training (which is the point at which the hours tend to be the worst).

If all you needed was a taxi service why not just use a taxi service especially for the older one.

More to the point:
what is your husband's job, why did you say he ' “had” to travel' in quote marks - did he have to travel or not? - and why didn't he book annual leave for this week, like you did last week?
The problem is not your hours or your work.

Either
DH works equally hard, and had no choice but to travel for work, in which case you both need to throw money at the home and childcare issues,
or
He does not work equally hard, did not have to travel, could have booked annual leave, and is failing to step up and be a responsible parent.

Only you know which it is.

I get this, my mother and father had an utterly miserable relationship.

The amount of times she told me she stayed because of the children, shouldn’t have, it’s no fun as a child hearing the angry arguments night after night!

They stayed for their own reasons, not “for the children”.

Amazed you’re able to factor in to
and froing to the school?

Get in some paid for help?

I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Mine doesn’t. Most don’t. This is not a man problem this is your DH problem.

I don’t understand why he gets a lie in while you get up at 6am on 6 hours sleep when you’re an emergency surgeon. Does he understand your job at all?

Given this, and assuming your husband has a similar earning career, I can’t understand why you wouldn’t buy in help?
I would be utterly exhausted doing your hours, for me that would be no quality of life whatsoever.
the very least I would br doing in your situation if I enjoyed my job is outsourcing absolutely everything. Taxis, cleaning, cooking, a PA, everything. Actually maybe not taxis as that’s one of your only chances it seems to spend time with your children. But definitely everything else.

Are you saying that your DH didn’t have to travel?

And are you saying that in fact you would have been better off without your MIL?

Because if he had to travel and you had to accommodate your kids’ needs to me it does sound as though you needed your MIL there? And unless your DH wants to lose his job and/ or start losing his reputation at work this might be just one of those things to suck up for now and get a break yourself once things have calmed down.

Or you are firm with your DH that “non essential” travel doesn’t happen and if it is essential you’d rather he didn’t invite your MIL. Or you employ a nanny.

Be grateful you still have a mother.

Oh ffs there’s always one.

Are we sure she does still have a mother? The conversation is about her husband’s mother, who is about as much help as a chocolate teapot.