“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

Hire temp nanny/hone help and show your DH this thread.

It isn't always that easy. Taxis aren't plentiful where we live, no Ubers, and DD's old school doesn't have a minibus. Teachers aren't allowed to give pupils lifts from a safeguarding point of view.

It is all irrelevant now as DD is a student but I did take DD to school if she had a morning exam as the school bus was often late or cancelled.

You really have no idea about rural living, have you?

I’m angry on your behalf.

Too angry to say anything remotely helpful. Sorry.

Yes, we did. Because we both drove, and I wasn't working 60 hour weeks, so it wasn't an issue for us.

Teachers can give lifts if authorised and insured.

But nah, much better to sit back and moan than actually try to problem solve.

We live rurally. We just don’t use it as an excuse to moan.

Why do people think London is the centre of the world? I live in a small town no where near London. Have some public transport but not loads. Kids walk places. We moved to this house when my children were very young but moving somewhere where they would be able to be independent as they got older was a massive consideration even then. DS starts 6th form in September. There are no schools with 6th form in our town. He will walk to station, catch train then bus or long walk the other end. He’ll be fine, he’ll have to be. We can’t drive him. Of course there are some people who live very rurally with no option to travel apart from driving. That must be difficult but presumably something that was considered before having children and before moving to that area? Most of the rest of us do not live in big cities with loads of public transport. We make it work.

I'm not moaning. I'm just pointing out some facts. I solved the problem by dropping DD off because it wasn't a problem to do so.

It's the assumption that public transport is readily available everywhere that irritates me. 🤷‍♀️

OP hasn’t even said she lives rurally

Very much agree with this. This period of time next year needs to be written in the calendar well in advance and your dh told that his presence is non-negotiable.

Incidentally, I can’t stand the nasty comments and criticisms about mils on this thread who have come to help. I totally understand that having house guests is extra work whoever is staying, but to make such personal criticisms of them when they have given up their time to help your dc is a bit much imho and it really ungrateful.

No one seems to consider that it might not exactly be their idea of fun to stay elsewhere for a week to drive a teen to their exams and clean up for absolutely no reward whatsoever.

Adults choose jobs and choose to have children, so if you don’t have time to do both all of the time then either pay an agency for a mother’s help for a fortnight every so often, or gratefully receive the help of family, but don’t criticise mils or mothers who are saving you money.

Why is MiL not doing the cleaning and cooking if she is there to help. Also if DH not out of bed at 6 a.m. as per usual why are you? I know, DC have to get to exams and have packed lunches and school dinners are expensive, but why can't them make their own packed lunches the night before and put them in the fridge? If they are GCSE they must be 16+ so perfectly able to do that, also change own beds and keep rooms tidy. You are being a doormat OP. Tell the rest of your family to get their fingers out and tell MiL that she can cook what she likes for dinner. If no dinner done when you get home then get a take-away pizza, it won't hurt anyone if they eat that all week.

Do you want support to tell your DH not to travel at short notice or any notice? Only you know how bad that would be for the job security/financial recompense he gets and what wealth & job security you want. We can't say for you. You haven't said he's generally useless.

You can make your life easier when she does visit.

Another bed to change
can she not make & strip her own bed & put the linens in machine & run the machine, and maybe even stick around when finished washing to put them away? Is the effort of finding sheets for her very annoying?

More consideration about what to cook for dinner
I presume you don't like her cooking... if swapping from your DH to a different person makes the meal planning stressful, that's another sign you're just crazy stretched too thin. ps: why can't your teens cook an evening meal for everyone?

The house needs to be kept tidier
Why?

Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
So is OP working 70 hours this week, or is she having a well-needed week off? Bcz if I did all that stuff OP describes and worked 70 hours, there would be no time for anything (else) but chores, sleep, eating, bathing. No sitting still for conversation, constant movement and tasks. Constant movement and if I needed email admin time in quiet, probably would sit in bed with laptop & door closed. Besides, most people just want to be heard. It's really easy to encourage other ppl to fill silence with their own babble. Or maybe OP isn't working 70 hrs this week.

She is here for the whole week…
That's good, the bed only needs changing once, max, and she can do it herself.

DH ... Needed a “lie in”
I'd want that, too. What have you organised with him to sometimes get yourself a lie in?

whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches
Not clear why teens can't do their own pack ups. Besides, it's a 10 minute job (max) if you have 4 kids (I did). If 10 minutes is so stressful to find on a single morning, you're stretched too thin.

, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.
I'm amazed if you ever get > 6 hrs if working 70 hrs/week. Have you considered moving somewhere (like market town in a rural county, where I lived) which does have lots of transport options from 5am-midnight? then your teens could cycle or take the many transport options.

Regular school buses (and trains) still ran every day when my teens had GCSEs, they went to school (& came home) at their usual school times regardless of exam times. Is their usual-not-you transport an option for your teens?

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.
Mental load made unberarable by Finding sheets, making packups, mindless conversation in evenings, 30 seconds consideration of how to feed a person who is not your H... ok and some driving which you could have kicked your H out of bed to make him do, but we can't make him do that for you.

Hun, you are way stretched too thin. At least some of it is self-imposed unrealistic expectations ("house tidier", not kicking him out to drive the kids places). Gotta be realistic.

My days went like this: weekdays, up at 5.30am, shower, dress and unload dishwasher, work 6am to 7.30am, mum would then arrive to look after DD and take her to school (I woke DD up and a five minutes cuddle). Head to work. Work till 6pm two days a week, twenty minute break to eat a sandwich, home for 7.30pm and bedtime, mum had done school pickup and evening. Work at home till 10/11pm (with occasional all nighters if an emergency hit), eat meal mum had left from feeding DD or have a ready meal, load dishwasher before bed. Three days a week had to stay later, till about 9pm, food provided, get home 10.30pm and crash, mum would often sleep over those nights as late for her as she picked DD up from after school
club. Weekends DD was at her fathers, cleaner would come, I would work most of the weekend, a couple of hours over the weekend spent tidying, and with a few hours out once a month to see friends. Online admin and grocery shopping shopping etc was done on my commute. I moved house to be nearer work and reduce my commute to 40 minutes just so I could actually see my child sometimes, take her to breakfast club etc. ‘D’ partner walked out when DD was tiny and wouldn’t pay CM, and I had a mortgage to pay, so not much choice. I was lucky that had a good job, but yes it was absolutely brutal. The men worked with did even less with their children than I did. But you get senior enough and you start to get more time to yourself, or for your family, so you slog it out in order to get there.

Why have over? You have nothing but contempt for your poor mother. Mentioning her eating noises? I'd hate to have a daughter like you. Ungrateful and a user.

Many will understand your sentiment.
You could say to your DH please dont, that will make my life so much harder.
You could consider if having MIL could be managed to help you more eg: get her to chnage the extra sheets,cook, a meal for you,order a takeway and explain to her you are exhausted ,anyone would be after 60-80 hrs work and 3 kids,that level of work really needs support from your DH and perhaps some paid professional help.
Good luck

My dh has to travel a lot, I work full time, three kids. Its shit but a bit of a deal with the devil as his pay is great, mine is good and so we have nice house, have choices etc.

No way would I accept MIL staying with us without him there. The mere thought is horrific.

I lower expectations massively when he is away on the food front (he is quite a foodie and hates take aways). I manage kids expectations of which of their after school activities they can do, prioritise each day. We have cleaner who does ironing in once a week which I think saves our marriage.

I'd smother him in his sleep.

Firstly, you had a deal. He was taking time off to do his share of cover in a stressful period. You have now burned two weeks of annual leave - is he proposing to cover half term in October or similar?

Secondly, it's loading more work onto you to have MIL cover for him. Is she actually effective at the limiting screen time, ferrying children about and generally doing the things he should have been doing? If not, then quite simply it's not to happen again. He can pay or his work can for a nanny if it's that important that he cancel annual leave and travel/ be present which I doubt.

Lastly, and this is for you.
I would simply say to your MIL that you've been off for two weeks and work has backed up. You either need to work in the evening or get to bed but apologies that you are not in a chatty place and you recognise that it's not ideal after she too has run around all day.
You do have teenagers - not a word as to how they are stepping up and helping to sort laundry and meals. If old enough for work experience, then definitely old enough to keep granny company for a few hours [and send primary sibling to bed] even if it's to watch David Attenborough or play SNAP. They'll find something to do. Perhaps it is time to have a sensible conversation with the kids about things changing over the summer. Allocate some chores and rotate them. I'm not a fan of "everyone does their own laundry", very inefficient but everyone can certainly sort their own towels and sheets once a week for example. If you and your husband are going to work these sorts of hours, and your kids presumably benefit from the lifestyle this brings then frankly it's time they also pulled their weight. Don't raise three more DH's. 💐

Look after yourself. Sounds like you need the proverbial spa day when he gets back. Though sending them all out of the house for some peace and quiet would be more my cup of tea.

I'd have nothing but contempt for a grandmother who tells a five year old that her eyebrows are messy and need 'straightening out' daily.

Jesus you sound dreadful.
You didnt 'invite her'.
You blagged 3 weeks free help and then slagged her off on the internet.
Shameful carry on from you as a daughter.
If you 'snapped' at me you wouldnt get a moments help again.
Ungrateful wretch.

What is the purpose of the MIL being there is she is not helping out? If you are cooking the meals, sorting the kids and tidying up after her, why is she there?

Because it makes the dh feel better and like he has helped!

That's a fairly specific situation though. We all know junior doctors work long hours so it's an accepted part of the training, for people in their 20s. By the time they have teenage children most doctors will hopefully work more reasonable hours.

🤣 and I'm imagining the MiL wanting only the heel of the bread.

Employers, many of them, simply might not be able to accommodate an almost no notice request for leave.
If sufficiently senior then flexibility and adaptability will be central to the job.

Yes I’m talking about opt out which is often expected. Hospitality management definitely work huge hours and the reason I no longer do it!

I agree with this. I hope the OP realises that very likely she will also be a MIL one day.
I hope MIL reads this, recognises herself and leaves DIL to it.