“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

if I’ve read it right he was away with work back for 24 hours then away with work again
he can’t help if he’s not physically there what would your solution of been

I'm very sceptical when people claim to work 60-80 hours a week. Eighty would be almost a 12-hour day 7 days a week. Or 16-hour days five days a week. That is just not possible. And 60 hours would be a minimum of 8.5 hours a day...but again, only if working 7 days a week. If the OP works the lower end, 60 hours, and only works five days a week, that's a 12-hour day, every day. Plus commute and plus having three children and a husband. I'm sorry, but this 60-80 hour week thing is just bollocks.

Oh OP i empathise. Both DH and I work full time. But I do 99.9% of the childcare for our son who has ASD and has decided I'm the chosen parent. Currently I do 4 trips to school every day as DS comes home for lunch. DH works as a consultant - has 3 or 4 gigs on the go and just lives his life like a single man. I was supposed to be on a hen weekend this weekend and he announced that he has 3 work trips this week so I had to cancel my hen weekend abroad......his solution? "Get your mum to fly over to babysit". My mum literally only left a few weeks ago.
I've now printed out an A1 calendar for the visually impaired and told him to get his s**t together.
I've been so exhausted this week, trying to stay up at 10pm to work and falling asleep then went to the GP to discover I'm anaemic so no wonder I'm fried. I have however hired some older students from my sons school to come and play with my son after school so I can do some work. Because I can't rely on my husband to look after his own son. Despite having the 3/4 jobs he has time in the day for the gym, scrolling through tiktok, playing on his phone......unbelievable.....

I think some people do do such long hours, but by letting it encroach on other activities - laptop open at the dinner table and so on - so it's not a full on, hyper-efficient 80h, it's 50h of efficiency in the workspace and 30h of unsatisfactory semi-productivity in sub optimal circumstances like trying to do a Bob Mortimer-style work call on the train.

Maybe this doesn't apply to op obviously but I've known people who work like this.

Edit just to be clear - and I'm sympathetic to those people, that they're in a job where this feels necessary, rather than judge them. Other jobs are out there.

One parent works away
One parent works 60-80 hours a week
Three children

Ridiculous!

Can’t see anyone’s needs are met!

What is your MIL doing to help? Could you task her with a few more things to do? I really would find it difficult. Especially the socialising in the evening when you’re already exhausted. Your husband probably would find the same situation with her there easier, because his relationship with her is different and he could ask her to do things more easily, and she also would step up and do helpful stuff, as she wouldn’t be so concerned about treading on toes. He really didn’t think it through and consider the outcome.

I’m usually vociferous about women being expected to carry the mental load-but I don’t see it here. Your dp can’t do his share for legitimate reasons and he has dealt with it. You say you like her. The extra tasks you list are pretty minimal.Or things you could reasonably expect a relative visiting to help to take on.

I took last two weeks off to support/be taxi driver/revision overseer/playstation limiter 🤣- this was his week.

Did he agree that this was "his week"? If so, how did he go from that pre-scheduled commitment to being away for most of "his week" except for 24 hour period when he lazed around? If the trips were for work, can he not simply say say no to a last minute request to travel? If he were a single parent and his mum was in Australia he'd HAVE to say no - either that or pay for proper professional help. In any case, a situation where parents are having to take weeks at a time off work to drive their teens around seems unsustainable; if there's genuinely no public transit, taxis, ubers, or paratransit available then I'd be looking into paying someone to do it privately even if that has to mean having a nanny or au pair.

You were privately in the bedroom with DH so you should have said,

"Right, get up and make the school lunches please before you head off without family duties for a week.
Thanks for asking your mother over. She's a saint, but you need to lighten her load load and also tidy XXX before you head off."
XXX can be some tidying tasks, washing, mowing, bins etc.

I would also have insisted that DH helped with extra tidying the night before, ready for how you feel most comfortable presenting the house to his Mum.

Sorry to ask but why did you need to take time off work to take your children to their exams and work experience placements? I’ve never heard of anyone having to do this

Why not just say no thanks, no need it makes things harder?

Maybe he likes his mother's company and can't enjoy it when his wife is around?

Anyway his wife's not there, so why can't he arrange his domestic duties in whatever way seems best to him? What business is it of anyone else?

if fhis was his week then where the fuck was he? Having a lie in? I have to say I would have woken him up and explained he needs to precook 2 of the meals before he goes as well as do a clean, tell his mum the rest of the meals will be potluck, and I’d be taking myself to bed early to read/work for a couple of hours, and sending dh daily messages of things he was supposed to do and his mum hasn’t done. Or the counseling sessions will cost far more than his time prepping this weekend.
can she do some of the driving?

ive been very busy, my dh has for 3 weeks in a row suggested he take ds1 to 7:30pm basketball if that would help. I have for 3 weeks in a row said that wouldn’t help because there is no getting things done at home in that period, its full on dinner bath bed for the whole time. At least I can get some things done on my phone while sitting at basketball, and that’s visible to him as I’ll update in kids sports groups re admin needed or he’d see the transactions and emails go through. If he says it again next week I’ll be replying by text so I can in future just quote it and text see last weeks response, please could your offers to help consider whether you would actually be helping.

See this is where my resentment would progress in to hate and divorce being the only option. It just shows that he's selfish and doesn't care about his family.

When your husband 'gets his mum in', what is he expecting her to do? It sounds as though you are still doing everything, just with the added burden of hosting your MIL. Is she helpful or does she expect to be waited on?

Does your DH really have to travel or is this something that he voluntarily does in order to get out of helping and supporting you and his children during busy and stressful times?

It really isn't bollocks for everyone. When my DC were small (primary school/nursery ages) my DH worked about an hour and a half away. Most days he left the house at 5.30am, and hardly ever got home before 8.30pm, and some days it was 10.30pm or even midnight. I also had a high stress professional job. We were both utterly exhausted, but couldn't afford a nanny. Working long hours doesn't automatically mean you have money to burn.

This . I wonder if the children get any quality time with their parents . I don’t understand how anyone can work like that and run a calm supportive household .

I have a friend who asked me to feed her cats for a few days as she was away. No problem, I popped in every day to see the cats.
I was very embarrassed ( for him) to find that her boyfriend was actually there. Apparently he isn’t very reliable with things like that!

Does mother in law not make her own bed, cook or do housework when she stays?

Totally possible hospitality and healthcare. I’ve worked in hospitality management and usually had a split shift- 9-3 then return for 6-12. Unfortunately you don’t actually go home in the gap, if it’s busy you stay on shift or have to catch up on paperwork in the office upstairs. So 15 hours at work before travel time. This is very normal in these industries.

What is the reason for your mil staying if she's not there to help?

Not if OP is a lawyer.