“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

I get it Op! My husband tries to minimise his absences with offers of help that don't amount to the type of help I'd actually appreciate.
I get that he has no choice but the reverting to being a child would drive me round the bend. My husband does this too. When his parents come to stay, he will even take naps on the couch and his parents expect us all to creep around him so as not to disturb his sleep. Drives me nuts! I haven't had more than 3 hrs sleep in a row in 2.5 years (discounting the heartburn during pregnancy which had me awake for 6 months!) while he has slept in the spare room, getting full nights' sleeps the whole time. Never mind when he's working away!!!

Bloody men & their mothers!

Have you had this conversation with him about him substituting himself with his mum - so he can travel without any earache - is that the idea?

What exactly does she do while she's at yours? Do you think she actually enjoys staying or is it his way of involving his mum in your lives to keep her occupied?

Does she ever come & stay to make life easier for him, to help him out so you can have a break?

In an ideal world, what do you need to fill in the gaps when he's away that would make your life more manageable?

Not RTFT as I am at work so this has no doubt already been mentioned.
I got myself to and from all my GCSEs and A levels as my parents were at work.
My DD and DS did the same for most of theirs.

Credit to you for working 60-80 hrs aweek though, not sure I could!

@Pianoaholic not sure people should be praised for working 80 hour weeks, both from their own health point of view, their family’s point of view and their patients. Not sure I would want to be the patient being operated on by a surgeon at the end of their 80 hour week.

He's a senior military officer so I think it works differently. That's wasn't in the opening post though!

Yes, if he's in the forces he probably has not choice about the travel. But he does have a choice about his mother ....

I can see why he would have thought asking his mother to step in for him would be helpful in his mind but unless she actually helps then it’s just a hindrance as you say.
As you have a cleaner etc etc, is she ferrying the kids around? Is she cooking a meal for you all in the evening? If not then there’s not much point.
Oh and DH would be making her bed up and tidying up before she arrives! And there’s no way he would be having a lie in if I was up and about!

Why not just look for a nanny for the summer?
They’d work the hours you want, doing the tasks you want done.

The children are 11, nearly 16 and 17. I don’t think a nanny is a good fit (and also, OP is busy right now because of GCSEs and WEX, which will be finished before the summer break.

But a nanny will drive the kids about and feed them. Could keep them on for the summer holidays to help take them all to and from things and to be around for the youngest.

Perfect.

Would they?

If your career choice was taking care of pre school/primary age children, would you think that a summer driving a couple of late teens around was a good and interesting move?

I know one couple who kept their nanny on as a kind of housekeeper once the kids were in secondary, but there was years of a positive working relationship behind that.

If you pay well, someone will happily do it.

Uni students who have qualified in childcare. Etc

It’s like people don’t want things to be better.

They just want to fester and moan.

I don't want to fester and moan (what lovely phrasing...) I just think you are being unrealistic to describe this as a nanny job.

And a uni student aged, what, 19? If they even have their own license, is it a great job driving a 17 and 16 year old around in the summer? And if they want childcare experience, they won't get it in this house.

Pay £20 an hour and specify the hours. State they must have a DBS and driving license.
There will be plenty who would do it.
Not everyone wants in depth work experience. Some just want a bit of cash in their pocket for doing a pretty easy job.

Or… Just say “nothing can possibly be done” and moan about it on Mumsnet, poopooing people’s suggestions.

Much more productive.

Where should OP advertise this role?

Nannies are employees, does OP really have time to set up as an employer?

DBS checks are done by each employer or organisation, you can’t “have” a DBS check that you show

And, most pertinent of all - OP has the problem now. She hasn’t asked about the summer holidays.

Your suggestion is unhelpful and unworkable. That’s why I’m challenging it.

Anyway, this is a waste of time as you are so convinced you are being helpful.

Have a good evening.

Yes you can have a DBS that you can show. You get a certificate. If they’ve done work experience for their course, they will have one that is current.
Or if you have an online version of the certificate you can send the link.

Why are you trying to look for problems?

She could advertise with local colleges/ universities. Contact recruitment agencies.

You know, anything but moan do sweet eff all about it.

Why are you trying to look for problems?

Because - as I said - along with the other issues with it. your “solution” doesn’t solve the actual problem, which is right now.

I shan’t respond again.

OP, perhaps you are doing too much parenting of the older two. Can't the work experiencer and exam taker get themselves there by bike or bus? Can't the kids do a little bit of food prep or washing up and make pack lunches? You sound as if you feel they need the same level of care as ten year olds. If they were more independent there wouldn't be this dilemma.

Oh give over.

One of your main complaints was that DBS certificates don’t exist.

Like you’re the fount of knowledge.

See how I said most pertinent of all in that post, referring to the timing?

And, most pertinent of all - OP has the problem now. She hasn’t asked about the summer holidays.

Goodbye.

Cheerio!