“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

Also, if this is meant to be your DH's week to cover, why had he not booked annual leave which usually cannot be changed by the employer once agreed. There shouldn't be unexpected travel as he was meant to be unavailable for work.

I agree with your skepticism

Edditted for bad speeling

As a single parent I didn’t have much choice.

I can empathise with your position OP. My MIL is lovely but very much needs to be hosted. My husband used to think she was super helpful when he was away (military too). One time I had to go away for a couple of nights for work and he invited her up to help. When I got back he said it was like having another child to look after so he finally gets it. Don’t suppose there is a weekend away in your future so he gets a taste of it?

Can neither of your kids get public transport? that’s save you a lot of time.

So the kids are 17, 16 & 11?

Easily old enough to be helping out, not creating extra work & making a bed up ready for MIL!

Why would an army officer regressing to childhood around his mum be funny?

Why do women do this to themselves? Just move into civilisation so your kids can get public transport.

OP is a surgeon- quite possible that she is on call 60-80 hours a week rather than actually performing surgery, but that means she has to be available rather than driving kids to GCSEs.

Funny you should make that point as the idea came from previous threads where the OH has gained valuable insight into the situation by hearing other’s objective views on the situation. There have even been a couple of occasions when the OH has joined in the discussion. IRL I believe they’d formally call it family therapy.

3 kids, both parents working in jobs that require long hours or periods of time working away from home, AND living rurally. Why are you making it so hard for yourself? Something has to give here. If you lived somewhere less rural you’d at least have one less obstacle to tackle.

You need reliable, paid help.

My kids thanked me for showing them the basics of cooking , cleaning and so on.
They complained at the time but couldn't believe some of their contemporaries at Uni.

They are nearly adults.

Absolutely. Far too many rods for one back.

OP is clearly strong as an ox, but everyone needs boundaries.

I’m not sure why taxis aren’t being used for the 2 older kids to get around, if public transport not available . Or GCSE student staying at school to revise. You can obviously splash the cash if you have had PAs etc in the past

Why live rurally with no public transport when you have such long hours which must add to commute time too. You have so little time to be around your DC I would be cutting whatever I could to spend more time with them

It all sounds like a manic week @HotandSteamy . I'm sorry you are getting such a hard time. There are plenty of full time working parents on here with little to no family support but I think the stress hits harder when you have a super stressful job that you know you can't just leave to deal with family stuff because it is literally life or death and all your carefully made plans collapse along with a blithe "Mum will take care of it"

Realistically, it's worth a comment to your husband that you didn't appreciate him taking the time for a lie in just because his mum was around and if you are not on call this weekend, you'd appreciate some proper R&R to regroup.

Id pull the same and arrange a work trip and get mum in law to trot over for the week and help him. The trouble is, I think he'd genuinely put her to work while he'd probably take a few more lie ins. I'd guarantee she'd think twice before stepping in to replace you again.
This brings us to this week where he is not here, why not act as your husband would do? Lay out your expectations - tasks that need to be done etc if she is to effectively step into husbands shoes and give replacement support. Any complaints - she can discuss with her son.

I would bet everything I own that you are not actually working 80 hours a week. And I highly doubt your output is reflective of your long shifts. And yes, I’m professionally qualified and work long hours too. Most of my colleagues who have children are fantastic and highly capable.

Erm, @LumenLights the OP is a surgeon, so I'd hope her outputs are quite good ...

Exactly this.

OP has explained that they are very rural - so if there is usually a school bus, it presumably only runs once in each direction each day.

We drive ours to exams (even though there is transport as we aren’t rural) because it is nicer for them not to have the stress of worrying if the train will be late. It’s a short period in a school career so doesn’t make a lot of sense to suggest OP moves if the school bus is fine for the everyday. OP has said her DC finds exams very stressful so the logistical support will help.

As for work experience - if this is happening on a site where everyone drives to get there, why would there be public transport? DS did his on a business park (and we were lucky enough that someone working there was prepared to collect him from the nearest station)

ETA - this isn’t even AIBU, it’s chat!

OP has explained that they are very rural - so if there is usually a school bus, it presumably only runs once in each direction each day.

That was our situation, plus the bus company that had the contract had old buses that weren't well maintained. They broke down frequently and caught fire on a couple of occasions. As a result they couldn't be relied on on exam days.

I got told off upthread for having a child while living in a rural area and I should have moved to a city before getting pregnant 🤔

@RampantIvy and if you had moved to a city, no doubt someone else would have criticised you for not thinking of your poor bubba’s lungs 😀

Almost as if life is a series of trade offs and there’s no perfect answer…