“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

What exactly does ‘mum’ do when she’s there?…….other than ‘smothering’ DH of course! Sounds like she’s more of a hindrance TBH

@HotandSteamy
The thing is OP, you and your husband have an unrealistic setup for almost anyone’s standards , and whether it has crept upon you all or is a conscious decision the facts stand that you are choosing to carry on like this rather than make changes.

Either parent pushing themselves to the limit, whereby they cannot run the family set up alone for a short time without getting in outside help is never wise. While this sort of situation can easily happen in families with disabilities and health issues, or single parent families, yours seems to be something you have willingly opted into.

It’s a bit like saying that you’ve piled your plate too high at the hotel buffet and are now cross that you can’t get it back to the table without spilling bits here and there along the way.

Perfectly possible - our junior doctors are rostered to work 8-6pm as a standard day. Two of those days will be a long day, working 8am-9pm. So that’s 58 hours every week as standard. One week out of 8, they do Friday long day and two 13 hours weekend long days (8am-9pm). So 80 hours those weeks. And some weeks they are on night shifts. They get a week off after nights to balance up the hours and keep them under 48 hours average, but on individual weeks, they are timetabled to work 58-80 hours.

I know you are busy but please do come back to explain what MIL is actually doing to help. If nothing, then tell Dh that he needs to ask her to leave as you are too busy for houseguests at the moment.
Has your DH ever watched Motherland? I wonder would watching that episode together help him understand? Would only work if he has a sense of hunour though.

It is very good of his mom to help out. He is the issue here. I'd be speaking to him about this. When you have a guest, even if own family, it's not always exactly the same.

What does your MIL do when staying? If she isn’t taking on some of your DH’s load why is she coming to then add more work for you?

As others have said surely better to buy in help etc

I’m feeling really sorry for the MILs/mums coming to stay being described on this thread. They are doing you a favour and giving up their time for their family. A bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss. The only local family we have is elderly father in law who needs support from us not other way round. The closest member of my family lives 300 miles away. My oldest is 16, I can count on one hand the number of times we have had help from family. I struggle with the attitudes on this thread from those who are lucky enough to have family help. It’s a privilege not a right.

The MIL/mums aren’t the issue. Issues are couples not working as a team and children being raised to stay dependent babies forever. Teens can make their own lunches, get themselves to school etc, help with housework and cook dinner occasionally (mine cook once a week although my son doing GCSEs has been given a pass for a few weeks.) The other issue is martyr mums creating drama 😂

But if you keep them at 48 hours average, how are 58-hour weeks standard? That doesn't make sense.

(The hours you gave as standard actually add up to 56 hours, but no matter.)

Anyway, those 80-weeks are only one in 8, they're not a matter of course. And presumably they don't do days when they are on nights.

So basically, they have a 48- or 56-hour week at most, except for one week every other month.

My mother in law would tell my partner to get up look after the kids, tidy up, cook and expect me to have a break in all honesty.

Ok, so that means it never happens.

So this is another ‘you have a DH problem’ thread, really isn’t it?

I’ve been in the same boat with DH away with new job and only being home 8 days (weekends) over a 5.5week period. Difference is, I kind of knew this was the case when he took the job; I ‘wfh’ [write up year of a PhD, so nothing like doing a 60hr+ a week job]. I only have 2 kids, one of whom has significant MH/AuDHD needs, but I have found shouldering it all alone soul destroying. We have no family nearby and so having the PIL help means them coming to stay too. And whilst they are lovely, they are hard work in terms of dietary needs/preferences and not knowing the area well enough to really do much of the driving anyway. I cannot imagine juggling all that you have, OP, only to end up with a ‘house guest’.

In your shoes I would have insisted that DH made very clear at work, well in advance of the GCSE period, that due to the unique and specific demands of the exam schedule and coming from a 2 working parent household that he would not be available for travel during set weeks. He’s an adult. He had the power to have this conversation with his managers to ensure this was a protected period and that his company had their plan B/reserves in place. He also needs to understand that houseguests, even those offering Uber services to exams, are not an easy alternative. I’d be reading him the riot act OP - and you need to do this to ensure that he doesn’t do this again during A levels in 2 years time.

No wonder the DC are fussy eaters they are desperate for attention

If he/she is doing GCSEs why can't they organise themselves and get themselves to school?

Yes, we call those children people living on a regular bus route.

There really are haves and have-nots when it comes to public transport, aren’t there?

We pay £1000/ year for a private coach which takes our kids to the nearest secondary school. To and from at any other time is a private car situation.

Is he your ex...... or is "his week something different?

You need to sit down and have a proper conversation

Oh god. This list raised my BP 😆 My MIL insists on noisily scraping out every last morsel of yogurt from her bowl every morning. It irritates the fuck out of me. I can hear it from upstairs and all I can think is my Grandad’s words: “leave the pattern on the plate, dear” 🤣

Why can’t your older kids get themselves to and from where they need to be?

Why can't the child doing GCSE's make their own way there on public transport?

And @Thedevilhasfinallycaughtupwithhim Because they might live somewhere with poor and unreliable public transport, as do we.

Not everyone lives in London or a large city.

It's disappointing that so many posters don't understand this.

My husband does this and it drives me crazy, I have stopped it now! Mumsie is not a solution to your disorganisation!

So book a taxi. Or arrange lifts with other parents.

Contact school and see if they have any solutions.

I work in a rural school and we send staff to pick up kids struggling to get in on important days in the mini bus.

very few buses where we live. Kids walk. Surely people consider stuff like this before moving house and before having children?

I live an hour’s drive from the nearest city.

We’re rural.

But we’re not completely helpless

The issue is that MIL (thinks?) she is coming for a nice little leisurely visit to see her grand kids.

She isn't, the purpose of this gisit is to get stuck in and help. So manke a list of all the things you need help with and then divide and conquer it.

If she isnt down for that then she shouldn't come.

You should also use your voice to convey this.

So what is mil there for then