“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

That episode of Motherland was a classic though OP. I can just imagine it! YANBU....

My parents worked hours like this and it was an utterly miserable childhood.

They would say they were doing it for us but this meant no family time, no holidays, no days out ever, tired and emotionally spend parents and as far as I can see, they ended up with an average middle class retirement just like the parents of all my friend who worked normal hours.

Can you not pay for help? Get some takeaways? How do they normally get to school is there no bus / public transport?

"It's Christmas Eeeeeve, Jeff! Nobody eats food on Christmas Eve. Peel a satsuma. Crack a nut!"

If you are genuinely working 60-80 hours per week you need a housekeeper as presumably you’re both on good money. That’s 12-16 hours a day - when do either of you see your children?

What does your MIL do when she stays? If the kids are all at school so she’s not looking after them all day. If it makes it harder on you why don’t you tell DH you don’t need his mum round

I don't see what difference the job makes. My point was, you cannot physically fit those hours in along with sleeping, commuting, time to eat, shower, see your three kids, etc. The only way it's actually possible is if your job involves being on call and you're sleeping for some of it.

I do not believe that anyone is actually working for 16-hour days five days a week or 12-hour days 7 days a week, or however you slice and dice 60-80 hours in a week. It simply is not possible.

And if those hours are anywhere near accurate, no one can keep going that long. It's counter-productive.

You clearly live somewhere with plentiful reliable public transport, we don't. When DD was doing her GCSEs and A levels I would drop DD off at school on my way to work if she had a morning exam because the school bus was often late or even cancelled.

We had one school bus in the morning and one after school. Trains and public buses are only hourly and don't stop anywhere near the school, and wouldn't have got DD to school in time for a 9 am exam.

Not everyone has London levels of public transport.

I don't think your MIL is the main issue, I think it's your DHs behaviour when she is here.

In healthcare (at least in nursing and doctor contracts) contracts generally follow the EU working time directive, meaning an average of 48 hours a week. My heaviest on call weeks would be x4 12 hour shifts but these definitely weren't every week. To be working 60-80 hours regularly in healthcare would mean that the OP had decided to opt out.

I have seen the 60-80 hour weeks in corporate law - but there's normally a pretty decent financial compensation that could be put towards making home life easier.

My Dh works roughly 70 hours a week. He usually states at 5 and finished around 6 during the week and will also work during the weekends. It’s why until the kids left home I only worked very part time. I know other couples who’ve done the same. The ones who both worked ridiculously
long hours with no regard for time with the kids, usually does not end well for at least one of the kids or the for relationship with their parents when kids are adults.

Utter madness to have both parents working such hours and to have three kids. Not good for the child or parent.

Will add dh still managed to not be a lazy twat when he was at home and always made time for the kids at the weekend. Both adults now and he’s got a wonderful relationship with both DDs.

I can understand why you are frustrated. But you also sound like you are trying to do far too much. Why did you need to be at home for 2 weeks while your children had exams/work experience? My oldest is doing GCSEs, it has been busy and a bit stressful but neither of us could take time off work and I’m not sure why we would need too? My son organises himself and gets himself to exams. If it is genuinely impossible to get there without lifts then a taxi? Same with work experience, when my son did work experience I told him he had to find a placement he could get to himself. We both work full time not from home with very little flexibility. We can’t be driving him everywhere. He found a work experience placement and figured out public transport. I wasn’t involved apart from signing the permission form. It sounds like you are making quite hard work of the situation and maybe being a bit of a martyr?

I presume OP is not saying no because she does want to stay together. He’s never going to put work second.

The question is whether OP also sometimes get the chance to put the mental load second when work is busy. She possibly does. We don’t know that from this post (it tells us more about the DH’s willingness to tap out)

You must be earning well as a family. In this situation I think you buy the extra help in. Get a housekeeper for a fortnight. Worth the investment to take everything home related off your plate.

Sounds like you are being a bit of a martyr tbh. I assume MIL is there to be a taxi only. With three teenagers I think you need to get them to step up. They should be capable of helping tidy up, cook a couple of meals or at least make sure they feed themselves on your late days. Equally can’t understand why you didn’t just say DH get up, we’ve shit to do, go make lunches or something before you leave (teens can also make their own lunch!).

Do you think he perhaps never even considered taking it off. Do you even think he put in the leave request? Or did he just ignore that responsibility until it got to it hoping it would go away, and then find another woman to cover it for him?

No wonder so many midlife women are so extremely angry.

One of them isn’t in school. I’m assuming ND.

My best friend had parents like this too.

I remember going over to her house after school and not eating till 9pm (which seemed an eternity at 11!). Her Dad would appear at 10pm or later most days. Took ages for her parents to notice her full-blown eating disorder once she was a teenager as she'd just say she'd cooked for herself after school and there was nobody around to say otherwise. Other than a fancy school they had a very ordinary house, rare holidays (in the UK).

Her Dad's partners later forced him out of the company so all that was for nothing.

I work 10 hours a day Monday to Friday and 10 hours over the weekend,so 60 hours
So I don’t think it’s bollocks

I read it as the one not in school was the one doing GCSEs, so not in school full time as they are on study leave but needs taking to exams. I could have read it wrong though.

Why are you making packed lunches? Your child doing GCSEs and your child doing work experience are definitely old enough to make it themselves. Your primary school child might be as well, and if not, pay for school dinners when you’re this busy.

Where do you live? Can your children not take themselves to work experience and GCSEs?

Making beds and cooking dinners - ok, GCSE child gets a pass but work experience child should definitely be involved.

Your husband sounds unacceptably useless. But you’re also doing so much for quite old children, and they could probably do a fair bit of it themselves.

Agree with this. I think you needed to put your foot down that the mum wasn't to come. How is she actually helping?

You need to stop being such a bloody drama llama

Thousands of kids get themselves to gcse exams and work experience under their own steam.

MIL is there to help so leave cleaning/cooking to her. She can strip her own bed before ahe leaves

You are massively overthinking and over dramatising this.

MIL should be a help not a hindrance.

I assume she’s doing some of the ferrying around but could be free in school hours - can you ask her to cook a simple meal or two? Tidy up etc?

I get it re the conversation- just put the TV on 😂
if you can afford it for next time I’d get a recommendation of a nanny/babysitter for the week/assume you have a cleaner, gardener etc if you’re both high flyers. How do you both cope with doing 60/80 hours a week otherwise? It was tricky enough w dh doing long hours and my part time hours when DCs were young.

I do think there are changes needed to be done within your current set up OP. My dad pulled those kind of hours when I was a child (ran his own business) and I hardly ever saw him. As an adult I can appreciate the sacrifices he made to support our family financially but I didn’t know my dad and it was pretty miserable. My mum however was a stay at home mum by choice, thankfully. Both parents working those hours when you have 3 kids and a household to run? For me it would be a no. I would absolutely not allow MIL to come and stay if she wasn’t helping the situation. I would certainly not worry about making her bed or socialising with her.
Time for a sit down chat with husband.

When my girls where younger my MiL came to help a couple of times - it wasn’t help, and as lovely as her seemingly wanting to help, I couldn’t just flump on sofa, order take out and let my standards slide a little on how tidy the house was.

Id rather just do it on my own, funnily enough so has my husband when I had to be away for work.