How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

She sounds like she needs some significant professional help. I actually feel worried for you and your family’s safety as she grows.

peeing on the bed is a HUGE red flag for me, that is abnormal behaviour not bad behaviour. She sounds like a psychopath.

I hope you get this sorted before it gets worse

She doesn’t sound remotely like a psychopath 🙄

I say this with reluctance as it's not my favourite method of responding to bad behaviour by any stretch of the imagination, but have you tried just letting rip and shouting at her?

Once in a blue moon, when my DC are out of control and behaving terribly, I do lose it and shout at them. And it brings them back into line and they know that mummy can't be walked over with impunity and there are limits.

Obviously, don't do it frequently, but I honestly don't think it does most children any harm to know that they can go too far on occasion.

While generally I ignore low level misbehaviour and focus on building connection and good habits with my DC, and dealing with things that have to be dealt with calmly, my kids also know that no good will come to them if they push my buttons too much. Because I am a person too and I have feelings and deserve consideration.

I wouldn't be constantly threatening her and escalating the threats - where does it stop?

Also, I wouldn't try to physically force her to go anywhere / do anything - she isn't 3 years old, if you are grappling with an 8-year old you've already lost. Again, where does it stop when she continues to resist?

I think, @yesyeah, you need to find your anger, find your voice and make a plan. It's going to get rough and you need to be prepared going into it. The next time she speaks to you that way you very firmly, and very seriously tell her how DARE she speaks to you like that. You need to show her you are angry and you mean it. It is NOT OK to speak to you that way, you are not her servant and she can't speak like that to people she loves. Tell her that her things need to be out of the hallway and put away properly and you won't ask her again.

Then, if she storms off, disengage. Grey rock her. She feels powerful when she combats everything you say/calls you names so remove all and any attention or it. Everything goes off - WiFi, TV, devices removed, treat food, toys etc effectively removed if at all possible. Don't narrate it, just do it. One, short, factual explanation if she asks, no more. Do not get into a back and forth, do not get into accusations and defence. Cook dinner, continue your evening, no need to stomp about angrily. You call everyone for dinner, if she doesn't appear you say nothing - eat, chat with your children, clear away. Bedtime arrives, you do the routine, if she fails to respond you continue on, go to bed yourself if it comes to it. Do not ignore HER, that's very important - don't withdraw your affection as punishment, but you're simply cordial and not engaging with any of the behaviour.

If her things are still in the hallway, at bedtime they go in the bin. And I mean it. If you think she'll get them out of the bin then take them out of the house altogether. When she has no shoes/coat for school, this is her problem to face. Do not engage with any anger, simply grey rock it. Tell her she can spend her money to buy more. Disengage entirely with the negative behaviour.

You need to buckle up. This most likely will not be solved overnight, you need to show her waiting it out won't work. You and DH will need to work as a team and might even have to take time off work if she refuses to go to school or leave the house. That's not a threat you can allow her to win this with. If playdates get cancelled, they get factually and calmly cancelled in her earshot. Clubs are simply not attended - don't comment, just don't go- she stays behind on trips. Treats at school stop if there are any. Fighting fire with fire doesn't work - fighting fire with calm, in-control but passive rock and the fire has nothing to rage against.

Slowly, she can earn things back. For consistent, genuine respectful behaviour. Engage in discussion if she comes to you, reiterate the unacceptableness of her behaviour, don't shame, accuse or go over and over her shortcomings just keep the narrative short and factual. Don't give in the first time she says sorry, it's an empty gesture. Take her to get more shoes if she asks (politely) - and use her money just like you said.

Continue to show her warmth and affection when she comes for it, this isn't silent treatment and she is a child, she needs to feel loved always. But none, absolutely none, of the rude behaviour is acknowledged or accepted and nothing happens with regards to the consequences until she makes the choice to behave appropriately. Do not made a song and dance about it when she does, I probably wouldn't praise her overly during this period - it can feel like a gloat when someone is having to humble themselves already. Simply serve her dinner as normal if she comes when she's called, treat her like everyone at the table, get her more shoes and use her money, tuck her in if she's ready for bed when it's bedtime. Slowly, she will correct her behaviour and you can loosen the strings.

Honestly, put horrid Henry in the bin. She seems to be using him as her guidebook to life.

I would also go nuclear. You may be softly spoken, but shouting at your kids is like acting on the stage. You need to convince the people at the back that you're in character. It doesn't define who you are, or what your relationship is or has to be, it's a performance, with a specific job to do, you need to move her, to tears if need be. Get into character, play Mrs Angry Woman for twenty minutes. If she is contrite, you can always offer a hug later.

But do remove the phone. You could even remove the tv. Actually take it out of the room and hide it in the garage. Yes, the siblings might have to go without for a bit, but it's worth it here. Same with all treats. No ice cream in the freezer.

This sounds like a really difficult situation for the entire family.

I encourage you to seek professional help. Play therapy. Child psychologist. Etc

There is something out of kilter with her world experience - the sooner you can figure out what that is, the sooner you will see improvements.

This is not something you can 'fix' by taking a hard line. I think that will make things gradually escalate further - a pattern you've already described.

Your dd needs love and connection more than anything else (like all children), but the current dynamic is making that really challenging. The more fragile the connection becomes, the worse behaviour and reactions become.

In the meantime, I would try really hard to treat challenging behaviour with a love response and lots of curiosity about why. (not saying don't have boundaries, but try a diff approach too)

"I love you even when you speak rudely to me. Can we try that again?"

"You sound really frustrated and I'd love to help you with those big feelings. Do you need a hug before you figure out how to respond to my request?"

"I know we've had some challenging conversations this evening, but I need you to know I love you just as much as I love your siblings. I think you're all special and amazing and I feel proud of you. Tomorrow is a new day.."

"You are saying mean things/speaking rudely, and that's hurtful to me. But I choose to let it wash over me. I'm worried about how you are feeling. What's making you feel this is the best reaction?"

"I love you unconditionally."

"It seems like you are feeling big feeling right now. And those feelings might be confusing for you. How about we sit here quietly for a few minutes and see if those feelings settle. When you're ready, maybe we can talk about it. Or I can give you a big hug."

I have a dd who can be challenging (caveat: not to the extend you describe) and it's usually because she is afraid to let herself experience big feelings. (for example, being frustrated with someone at school, feeling left out of a game, being admonished by a teacher, etc) She becomes really prickly, rude and mean. I have found I can help her regulate by asking her to let the feelings be experienced. If I can convince her to accept a hug, it's like a magic key and allows her to cry and/or let the real feelings surface. She's a teenager now and understands her own defence mechanisms better. She now asks me for a hug when she realises she needs one

Very good point
I remember the days of Tracey Beaker
Banned in our house

Depends if it's due to dysregulation from autism or not. Absolutely no point of saying much at the time if it's dysregulation as it will just make it worse. Talking a long time later about how they are making other people feel works a bit but generally it is time and maturity that has worked.

Prevention is better. Helping them to manage their emotional regulation until they are mature enough themselves. Most of that was physical. Can't do much about school failing to meet their needs though. Primary was bloody awful.

If she's deliberately weeing on the bed I would take her to the GP, this seems far beyond just answering back.

Yeah when my eldest did this I knew he wasn’t just a run-of-the-mill spirited kid, i knew something was wrong-wrong. He’s autistic and with a lot of therapy he’s now lovely.