How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

So she only uses the phone for homework? Then why would she care if you take it away?

There are a lot of things you can do but you have to stick with it. She’s used to getting away with it so she will carry on at first but that doesn’t mean it won’t work.
For example, if she doesn’t come to dinner when called, I give one warning, then the dinner goes in the fridge for another day (unless she comes down and apologises).
You have to give her a lot of routes to get back on the good path. I often say to my children, if you apologize now and change your behaviour we’ll be back to having a nice dinner together. But you have to change, too, instantly, to reward them trying, not do that typical parent thing where you continue grumbling about what happened.

Put the apps on your phone! She doesn't need her own to have access to an app.

Re. Consequences I think you need to be prepared to go to extremes. Eg keep taking away more and more of her stuff so that she literally just has the furniture left in her room. She needs to see that you will not run out of steam. At the moment she knows that you will cave. In terms of refusing to wash up I would keep her in the kitchen and be prepared to stay with her for hours until she does as you ask. And I wouldn't engage in conversation with her.

I’d be speaking to the school for other ways of doing homework, or she can use a tablet or laptop in the family room where you can supervise. As a last resort she only gets the phone to do her homework and is fully supervised. If she refuses I’d leave it, speak to the school and let her deal with the consequences of not doing homework.

I’m surprised any primary school is reliant on screens for homework given all the work being done to remove phones from high school and would speak to them about screen free homework.

Another one incredulous that she has a phone!!!! This is learned behaviour, where is she learning it from?!?

There are 3 little ones and she’s the middle of them that live here and also has one older step brother who doesn’t live here but is so good to them, pops round often and takes them out, treats them but she’s nothing but rude to him, even he says he doesn’t feel comfortable when she won’t do as he says from a safety aspect when he’s out with her and meant to be the responsible adult but he tries not to leave her out.

She needs to learn that if she won’t listen and isn’t safe she can’t go out with her step brother and do fun things. It’s not fair on anyone for him to worry that she’ll not listen.

He has to be part of your strategy as well. If he says he doesn't feel he can be responsible for her safety when out, why as her parent are you letting him take her out?

If the phone is purely for homework the you've not punished her, you've just removed her homework device. I would be getting rid of the phone and get a laptop or tablet she can use for homework. Tonight would be a complete screen ban.

No come off it OP she doesn't just use her phone for homework or she'd not go hunt for it when you take it off her. Having no sim card in it means notning as it uses wifi and that's all every apps need to work.

OP when did the rudeness start? Is she influenced by her friends?

You need to start praising and giving more treats to your younger daughter when she does nice things it might encourage older dd to follow suit. Like "molly" gets pudding tonight because she put her shoes and bag away you chose not to so no pudding if tomorrow you put your bag and shoes away nicely then you will get pudding. "Molly got a new toy because she got a full sticker chart if next week you can do this then you will get a new toy etc

I’d leave her stuff on the floor, warn her that if it gets trodden on and broken that’s her problem, then leave the room. There’s no way she’ll back down whilst you’re watching.

Calling for dinner/being ignored is an occasional issue now. I call twice then that’s it. It sits on the worktop until they come down for it. They can warm it in the microwave if they want, but I won’t do it for them. I’ve cooked it once and that’s enough. I do make sure to start every call with their name though to make sure they can actually hear it.

Generalised rudeness is harder. We had issues a long time ago, and I said something along the lines of “I’ll always love you and parent you, but would you want to make extra efforts for someone who treated you that way? Would you want to do extras for someone who doesn’t even thank you? I have the same feelings as you do.” Then follow through.

Behaviour DOES get worse at first when you start clamping down. They want the status quo. But it does get better after that. Good luck.

It’s increased considerably but she’s always been strong willed. It’s not that I have let her get away with it but I have just never found anything that works.

What a load of awfulness. An eight year old doing homework by logging into apps. Another example of the world gone mad.

This thread began with a question about a DD being rude to her mother, OP. What's emerging is a disturbing picture of a permissive household run by parents who lack any clarity on where boundaries lie and what is and isn't acceptable, who see themselves as helpless and devoid of any parental authority, and where children are not safe (one is allowed to go out with an adult who doesn't feel confident in keeping her safe and is already addicted to screens). Of course your DD has gone feral. An eight-year old with no boundaries is likely to be a terrified eight-year old. All I and other posters have to go on is what you are telling us but with each ñew revelation, the landscape darkens.

She’s the youngest of the sisters, her older sister couldn’t be more helpful and kind.
She has a brilliant role model but is horrible to her big sister who is still nice back.

Maybe mention it to school and ask for a meeting. If she is good in school, shy etc she may feel ashamed about her teacher knowing how she is at home.

Ok then exactly what I said but other way round treat and spoil her siblings for good behaviour

What other apps does she have on there op? 100% the phone would be gone here

He NEEDS to leave her out until she can bloody behave herself.

No wonder she keeps on, there are no consequences for her that actually bite.

I'm not trying to get at you, OP, but you come across as rather helpless and hapless. Where's your anger? I'd be furious if DD spoke to me half as bad as this. She'd know it, and it would fuel my determination to get on top of this. No way would I let an 8 year old be the boss of me.

What really gets her goat? Being left out while her younger sibling gets to do things? Not having chocolate or pudding? Being 'told on' to her teacher? Stopped from going to a friend's birthday party?

There has to be something.

But be prepared for her to up the anti first, before she caves. It will get worse before it gets better. But this is a good sign - it tells you it's working.

I would stop her going to play dates, days out, parties or activities if she behaves like this, whatever is happening next.

I would take all privileges away from her until she starts showing you respect. Don't just take it away for a day, add a day every time she is rude. Also tell her your going to be talking to her teachers about this

A firm "pick that up" or "don't speak to me that way" with a serious stare does the job for mine. Incidents are very few and far between.
How do people speak to each other at home? Adults being rude to each other or the children can encourage rude behaviour from children, so can signs of weakness/stress/adults not acting like they are in control of themselves and the household. Empty threats of consequences that aren't followed through with, lack of routine and stability, not feel safe and respected themselves can all play a part.
You could just have a very challenging child were absolutely nothing works, but the chances are one or more of the above are leading to her having a lack of respect for you.
I do also think picking your battles is important. If a child is heightened because something really upsetting happened, eg someone hurt them at school, they have a space to shout and cry and let it out, I comfort them through it but let them know gently if something crosses a line. They need support learning to regulate. We can all have bad days and be a bit snappy but we learn not to cross a line. Some parents expect children to be perfectly pleasant at all times, if they don't learn where the line is between showing emotion after a bad experience and being disrespectful you can end up with extreme disrespect as they haven't learnt how to let it out in a respectful way.