How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

Hmm, I think I'd dial down the punishments for a bit - they're obviously not working.

There's two things I'd focus on at this stage - emotional connection and letting her know firmly that she's crossing a line.

I speak quite bluntly to my DS sometimes. I tell him that I love him and that I'd be failing as his parent if I let him grow up as a rude, obnoxious, annoying boy that no one likes because he can't be nice to people and behave decently around them. We do a lot of talking about what 'good' behaviour looks like, how we should treat others and how we want to be treated ourselves.

I tend not to do the 'softly, softly' consequences thing. When we're getting to the stage that I'm about to impose a consequence after a warning, I find speaking a bit sharply really helps so that my DC is under no illusion that I'm seriously annoyed and he's crossing a line. I see it as my job as a parent to at least let him know firmly where the boundaries are, even if sometimes he crosses them, because that will help him when he's older and the consequences are more serious.

But alongside this you have to rebuild your emotional bond with your DD so she respects you because she knows you're on her side, you love her and you want her to be the best and happiest version of herself. Do you spend time with her doing the things that she's good at? What does she enjoy? What things do you have fun doing together?

Rather than just up the ante with punishment after punishment, I'd probably ignore some of it for now and just call her out on it unless it's truly awful. "Don't be rude to me, X, it's not a good look and I'm not likely to want to do things for you if you can't at least talk politely to me." Then move on, rather than getting dragged into a cycle of endless consequences. Choose your battles, rather than playing into her hands and making everything a battleground. Parenting sometimes requires playing a long game.

Op said her first DC was easy going-presented little challenge so its not what the Op has done its what she hasnt done

You have written OP's plan for her. If I had a 'difficult' child, this would be my approach. Two now men very close to my family were 'difficult' and I watched from close up the absence of boundaries and lack of follow-through from both parents. When I had my own DD, I applied what I had learnt (clarity about expectations, firm boundaries, follow-through, owning being the parent and therefore in charge) and added some additional elements (emotions always accepted and not denied, being calm and not shouting, always saying goodnight on a positive note, honesty and openness, being consistent). We had very few bad moments as a result. I also think it's important never to let go of the mantra that when there's a tussle, you as the parent will win, however long it takes.

I really hope OP will return and tell us she has a plan, because she and her whole extended family deserve not to be terrorised by an out-of-control child fir the next decade.

I think so too. I am sure she's stubborn so can hold out for a while and previously you have relented and given stuff back before she has apologised. However, there's something in parenting strong willed kids where you just have to be willing to outlast them. My friend claimed that no punishment changed her child's behaviour because he didn't care about anything enough. Actually she just needed to be prepared to hold out for longer.

Agree
Timeout in a boring room to cool off
Zero fuss/ drama or attention
Worth remembering some personalities thrive on drama and it might be giving her a sense of control

You say she is well behaved at school - have you mentioned this to them? Could you arrange a meeting and take your daughter along?

I basically don't let anything go. I don't do anything for anyone who can't ask me nicely or thank me kindly. I praise each and every good thing I see or hear but I do not let a single snide remark or rolled eye go.

'Would you speak to Mrs X like that?'
'How would you feel if I spoke to you like that?'
'How do you want the person you are speaking to to feel?'
'Would you behave like this in front of x'
'Please can you ask me again in a better way'
'Please try again in a different voice/with different words'

You can try 'when and then' too -

'When you have put away your coat and shoes, then you can have tv time'

'When you have taken your dirty cup to the kitchen, then you can have a snack'

'When you have put on your shoes, then we can go to the party'

There would be no tv, no screens, no phones, no snacks/treats etc. Nothing taken for granted.

If you can't crack this now you will be destroyed by the teen years.

I was a street angel, house devil. My mum's biggest threat was that she was going in to tell my teacher, during clas time, what I was actually like. I couldn't face that so I'd pull up when faced with this consequence. Might work with your dd?

Any local parenting classes near to you?

This reads like your frighten of disciplining your child - and that tends not to end well for anyone as you are finding but will likely only get worse.

I do think it worrying that you feel basic manners and decent behavior to others is breaking her spirt rather than teaching her how to function in the wider world.

I did know some mothers who were like this - didn't help their kids even when they behaved in school as socially they stopped getting invited to things due to their behavior and complet lack of control mothers had. In both cases they had very undermining husbands and some extreme working mum guilt.

I'm socially anxious - linked to various conditions that come under ND umbrella - but I've never allowed anyone to undermine me with our kids - and wider families tried endlessly - I suspect that's becuase of example of my Mum growing up and the need for everyone to rub along or life is miserable for everyone. You need to be the one in charge so they feel safe - it's not about breaking anything it's providing clear stucture and consistancy.

I think maybe look for outside support and have a think why you are so frightened of your own 8 year old.

Put parental controls on i can shut down all devices from my phone is can even boot my adult DD off my WIFI if I choose

I have just got her home and she’s already telling me to shut up and so I told her to go to her room she came straight back out and spat on the carpet in front of me.

I have hidden the remote so she can’t watch her program.
The spitting is new she did this for my husband but it’s the first time I’ve seen this, she’s also peed on her sister’s bed before when I tried making her go to bed early.
Everything I try it’s like she finds a worse consequence for everyone else.
She just smugly carries on because she knows there’s literally nothing I can do that won’t back fire.
I can’t keep walking up and down the stairs with her while she laughs in hysterics because she knows she’s not staying in her room and I have a toddler so need the stair gate to stay closed and she just says I don’t care.

Think you need prof hep with her OP, you can’t go on like this, it will destroy the family. It’s not just naughtiness.

I know, she asked for an ice cream and I said absolutely not but then I walked down from putting the washing away and there is an empty ice cream wrapper on the side of the sofa.
It’s just a big middle finger.

I would try to avoid framing her actions as "smug." And I would imagine that her laughter is not an expression of mirth. Your child is struggling in a way that goes far beyond the behaviour of most 8-year-olds. Something has gone badly wrong for her emotionally and in her relationship with you and other family members. As I wrote above, do you think she perceives her sister as the "good" girl and herself as the "bad" girl? Does she suffer from anxiety (which could explain why she is quiet and shy at school but not at home)? Those are just possible explanations, obviously the heart of the issue might be something else entirely.

I would look into therapy for her and for the family as a whole. You can't discipline emotional problems out of her.

Shut up seems to be her buzz word at the moment and when I say don’t speak to me like that, her default response is shut up, shut up, shut up

Wednesday is our afternoon together because her sister has an activity so we usually do something together, that time is important but is it too much to say she can’t go out for us time or do we need to focus on that us time?

I agreed. She seems troubled. I don’t think all the punishments listed here will improve things. It will just make it worse. She is only 8.

If she doesn’t care about the phone being taken because she says she’ll just find it and get it back, I would throw it away.
Shes 8. She can do homework on your phone, that you unlock and sit with her while she does it, and then you get back, and she never knows the code for it. Or alternatively I’d explain the situation to the school and ask for paper based homework - I assume they have this option for parents who don’t have tablets, our school does.
Either way, the phone would be gone completely.

I would probably try and still have that time dedicated to just her - but maybe avoid taking on anything that is going to be too stressful to manage if she behaves badly. Is there anything she really loves doing at home? Cooking together, an art project? I think connection needs to be your main priority, it’s the bedrock of the relationship and you won’t be able to discipline her effectively without it, but I’m not sure a trip out where you are going to be anxious about her kicking off is the best way to achieve that.

My child can be challenging. Reading most of the responses here makes me so sad and I can imagine just how terribly these things would go with my child. You don’t want to be constantly escalating and piling on punishments.

I would categorise things in to low level bad behaviour and absolutely unacceptable behaviour. In our house absolutely unacceptable is violence and results in loss of screens for the rest of that day. The next day we reset and move on. If the bad behaviour continues I don’t add more punishments, just stick with the one. They are sad to lose the screens, they know they’ve done wrong -and it’s really normal for them to be angry and kick off more but I just hold the line and try not to react too much.

Low level rudeness I think it’s enough to just say that’s rude please don’t speak to me that way and leave it. No need to escalate. They know, they are absorbing that info, you can’t force politeness in the moment.

Dumping belongings or not doing a task again I would -try not to turn it on to an huge drama and just wait until they want something. So when they ask for a snack or screens you say they can have it once they do the task.

I would also really think about why she’s so unhappy. Talk to her about it. Make sure you notice any good behaviour. I like the phrase ‘connection not correction’.

Of course she’s not going to do what you say or cave in to threats and consequences. It’s a matter of pride to her. But keep giving the consequences. She will not admit she’s wrong, but she doesn’t have to, she just needs to see where that sort of behaviour gets her. Just keep up the consequences consistently. She will never say “ oh of course you’re right mum, sorry I was rude’” or at least not in the moment.
Stay strong.

I agree with this approach. A friend of mine is one of the best parents I have ever known. In addition to raising their biological children, she and her husband have also adopted several older children who came from troubled backgrounds. One of her mantras is, "Relationship, relationship, relationship." First, last, and always focus on the relationship with your child, especially when they are really struggling as your child is@yesyeah That doesn't mean ignoring or minimising misbehaviour, but it does mean that reinforcing the emotional connection is always at the forefront of every encounter.

Generally, told off and an explanation on why it was rude. Happens again and it's time out. I absolutely would not allow my child to stick their tongue out at me, say no to moving their things and most certainly not call me stupid. Things they enjoy would be removed, tv banned for a set few days and I would expect a full apology. Your child is being exceptionally rude and disrespectful. All kids can be a bit rude or cheeky at times but it's up to the parent to nip it in the bud. I am firm and fair when it comes to punishment for things like that.

Unfortunately in these circumstances I have to stand and hold the room door closed. Other things will have to be put on hold while she is misbehaving (or another adult can take over).
It does help actually if you say "sorry DS tea week be very late because DD has to stay in her room". DD doesn't like that other people think it's her fault.
The other thing that's recommended is to enlist a supporter who will hold her accountable - e.g. a grandparent or teacher. You tell the supporter what's been going on e.g. "sorry to say but DD has been really rude today and I'm having to stop her from going on her treat" preferably while she's listening, or tell her you've done it. DCs who are behaving like this usually want it to be a family secret and this helps them to see other people think their behaviour is unacceptable too.

Wow I. Wouldn’t stand for that, why have you been allowing such bad behaviour?my child would only speak to me like that once and never again , can’t stand rude children

I think it’s more than being a rude child. The OP is at her wits end and it’s affecting the whole family. She’s tried lots of things which haven’t worked and no doubt she’s worn down by it all. I feel for her.