How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

Take her firmly by the hand and move her back to the hallway. If she starts dramatics and falling on the floor stand over her until she has stopped and thenr repeat your expectation. How does she behave at school?

Same. “Do not speak to me like that”.

Helps I’m from Belfast. The Northern Irish mammy stern voice is pretty forbidding.

Do you see them through?

If they’re a little cheeky normally “the look” or “do you wanna try asking/saying that again properly?” works but if they’re actually rude then they get a time out. If they’re extremely rude to me DH gives them the “don’t EVER speak to your mother like that blah blah blah” talk. I know people now say time out is bad and all that but it works. I got them as a kid, my parents got them, I think a time out works.

DD6 can be cheeky but she’s not really that bad. She’s got a bit of a temper and can have a right gob on her sometimes though so she does need to be reigned in a little bit. DS5 is autistic so it’s a bit different with him we tend to explain why he’s rude because he often doesn’t actually understand. DD2 is a 2 year old so she’s not started being rude yet.

I get what you’re saying but how do you make someone do something when they just say no.
If I said tidy the hall shed ignore me and not get out the chair.
If I said do a chore she’d refuse point blank and she’d never help clean anything up, she would simply refuse to do it so how can you force someone to do something.

She’s always been strong willed but she’s getting worse.

Is there a man in the house also treating you like this?

She’s fine at school, she is shy and quiet.

You have to create a list for yourself of consequences that are achievable (so not grounding her for a month, for example). Then be ready to use them.

I'd cut power at 9pm. I'd confiscate devices. I'd stop taking her to places - even activities that we'd paid for. The behaviour you describe is very, very wide of acceptable - her behaviour isn't just 'kids being kids'. You need to start parenting, and that means setting boundaries and consequences and then sticking to them. But you need to have that list of consequences ready so you don't issue crazy ones in the heat of the moment!

Force of personality. Tone of voice. Physically blocking her way upstairs.

You have the authority in the house, why aren’t you using it?

I bet she doesn’t behave this way at school - the teacher has less ways to force her than you do but they will exercise their authority.

No absolutely not, she’s just as rude to her dad and her siblings, even her grandparents.

How long has it been like this? Are there any underlying problems like bullies at school? I’d try and make sure nothing like that is going on first if its a recent thing, unless she has always been this way.

My friend had this with her son. Didn’t care about any consequences at all. In the end all he had in his room was his bed. Wasn’t allowed tv, books, toys etc it went on for a good 2 weeks until she noticed an improvement and he slowly gained his “luxuries” back and now the threat of that happening again seems to be enough to curb him back in. It sounds harsh but she was at her wits end with the attitude.

Have you explained to her that treating other people this way will make them like her less?

That people won’t want to spend time with her?

I go for a mild approach the first time, because going in stern can put some children on the defence and they dig their heels in. I give a chance at redemption by saying 'Would you like to try that again?'
If it continues I say you do not speak to me like that and will lose a privilege. Usually that works on my 9yr NT DD.

This is more serious though as it's constant and not just a moment where she's moody or tired, it's disrespect. She says she doesn't care about her TV, I'd actually physically remove the TV. She might care a bit more when she sees an empty space where it was, and I'd fully expect a kickoff (which I wouldn't actually punish further in this instance unless something was damaged)
Make her know you are serious.

Also don't go for the angry shout approach, as naturally as that may come. Stay quiet, show your sadness at her behaviour, when she comes in an hour later chatting away don't just let her cover over it and join in. Take the chance to talk to her, ask how her day has been and tell her she upset you with the way she spoke to you.

I would relate this to school, I would ask her what would happen if you threw your coat and shoes on the floor in the cloakroom at school? What would happen if you told your teacher to shut up? She knows that there are consequences for her behaviour at school, she has learned she can do what she wants when she wants at home.

You should have started punishing her much younger as now she is older she is just going to get stronger and stronger.

I would tell her straight that you do not make lovely food or spend time with people who are not nice to you. That you are surprised she has any friends given how she talks to people.

If she didn't pick up her shoes from the hall I would physically collect her and bring her back, heard her back there. I would film her defiance and then tell her that you will be going into school to speak to her teacher about her behaviour at home to ask them how she behaves in school. School can actually help you with this so this is really a good thing.

DS is 9, and he would have got an absolute rocket at the point he walked into the living room and slammed the door. That level of disrespect would be completely unacceptable in our house.

I’m not generally shouty, usually I just have to say “THAT was VERY RUDE” in a stern voice and he apologises. But we have def had to go through phases where we lose our temper properly, so he understood how unacceptable his behaviour was (when he was a similar age to your DD, he lost his temper and kicked the toilet roll holder off the bathroom wall - I actually don’t think he expected that to happen, but he got shouted at, sleepover cancelled, had to pay for a new one from his pocket money (it was £5 from ikea), and had his screens removed for a week. There has not been a repeat.

I am also quite prepared to stay angry at DS for as long as it takes for him to apologise - occasionally into the next day (have never needed to carry it on past that, but I’d be prepared to).

I’ve explained how her rudeness affects people and she just says don’t care or good.

That isn't just a bit of attitude or cheekiness. Your DD's rudeness is extreme and she's only 8 years old. Is this new behaviour? If so, I would try to get to the root cause. There must be one, children don't suddenly act out of character for no reason. If the rudeness has been happening for a long time, then she knows she can get away with it and may be pushing to see where you will draw the line. She really does want to be shown how to behave, what is acceptable and what is not, even if she can't articulate that and her behaviour seems to suggest otherwise.

How does she get on at school? Have her teachers ever alerted you to poor behaviour?

ETA: sorry, ignore those last questions, I see you've answered them above.

But what consequences?

That is what the OP wants to know.

The only thing that a child like that would understand is being slapped but that isn't allowed.

I can see you see at the end of your tether, OP. Your DD's behaviour, at eight years old, is shocking. Yours as a parent is off-the-scale shocking. Where is your self respect? What stands out from your descriptions of incidents is your lack of follow-up. You need to start being absolutely relentless with this and letting nothing go - blocking your DD from going into the sitting room, repeating that you are standing next to her for as long as it takes for her to hang her bag up, leading her silently away from her friends when she gives you backchat about sweets.

In my experience with my DD, who as a teenager sometimes talked to me in a tone of voice that was layered with disrespect, keeping steady and not varying my own tone of voice was critical. For example, she would ask me a question or make a comment shortly before she went to school and I would say 'Say that to me again, X, this time paying particular attention to your tone of voice.' Usually, it took three or four rounds before the conversation could get going again. I also explained why this was so important: 'How you speak to people really matters. Life will be so much more pleasant and easier if you are respectful, no matter who you are talking to.

Modelling what you want her to do matters too. Saying: 'Don't talk to me like that,' is pointless. It's an invitation to carry on, not to stop.

At the time, I thought I was lucky in having an easy ride. Now I realise it was not luck but having clear expectations and not letting anything slip.

Do you have a DH/DP to support you with this? And is DD your eldest? If she is, your younger children will be learning from her. Do her friends talk to their mothers like this? Could she be learning from them?

Good as gold at school. But not at home.
When did this begin ?
You cannot put up with it. You need to have a conversation with dad and grandparents so you are all on the same hymn sheet in how you deal with her.
It is not something to tolerate. Ask her questions.
And let her know it won’t be tolerated. I think you need to fight the fire with ice. Show calm and almost perhaps indifference. Don’t let her rile you. She is engaging in a sort of emotional competition. Do explain that her behaviour is not appropriate and ask her to do something again but differently. And do follow through on punishments.
I would tell her she is rude when she is. That it is not a compliment. Not something to admire. Not something to be proud of. It isn’t clever.

Is she mixing with anyone new I wonder ?

I've had similar problems with ds (the same age) recently with him carrying on regardless of consequences. We're currently in a situation where he has lost access to the switch and the PC long term until we see improvements in his behavior. Losing them completely does seem to be having the desired effect. We have talked about it and he is having some problems at school which I think are causing him to act out at home so we are also dealing with that at the same time.

Blimey, I thought this was going to be about the odd rude comment but she treats you like shit.

If she’s shy and quiet at school, I’d tell her that I am going to have a meeting with her teacher to discuss her behaviour at home. But that level of rudeness, I would be exploring the possibility of behavioural problems that need special intervention as that’s beyond normal 8yo talking back every so often.

I also think that would work for her. It worked fine in my day.

Ds used to be like this it came to a head when he ripped off his jumper and began stamping on it screaming he wasnt wearing it i picked it up off the floor threw it in the garden offered him his coat for school he said no so I dropped it walked out the door with his brother for school he tried not coming with us I walked off he ended up trailing down the road shoes on the wrong feet dragging his coat my neighbour closed my door for me everytime he tried bitching at me for being nasty I told him i dont talk to spiteful children and spoke to his brother instead eventually he apologised and I sorted his shoes honestly my son was INFURIATING nothing you took away ever made a difference make him stay home? Good he hated going out force him to go out good he hated that house take toys fine he hated them etc etc me throwing his jumper shocked him i have never lost my temper ever that's the closest I came to it because it was so FUCKING STUPID he wanted a jumper told his dad and the teachers he wanted a jumper and mom wouldn't get him one (it was in his draw) so I gave it to him to wear the next day and he went wild over it...INFURIATING