How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

You have given numerous examples of her getting away with it. Eg you ask her to put her things away in the hall; she goes into the sitting room and shuts the door behind her; you leave her there. She's rude to her grandparents but carries on seeing them. Her SB feels unable to keep her safe yet she continues to go out with him. She has a phone at eight that you confiscate rather than expecting her to ask for it and only when she is doing her homework. She's rude to you on the walk home when you ask about a sweet but she keeps the sweet.

She would be told off very severely
Hauled back and told to put her stuff away
Stand there until she does
I would put a lock on her room outside, high up and she can stay in there until she apologises
Shes getting kick out of this, take away the fun
On her own in her room zero attention, carry on as normal
If she does it again, back in room

I think she needs to gave zero screentime/ phone, shes picked this up somewhere

Please don't lock children in rooms

How I would deal with these examples…

“she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things.”

I would tell other child to leave them. I would tell her to come back and hang them up otherwise they might get stepped on. If she refused I would introduce some consequence e.g. do it by the time I come back downstairs or no TV then I would walk away and do my own thing rather than wait for her to do it (reduces possibility of stand off). Big praise when I come back down and she has made the right choice.

“After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.”

Honestly I’d probably just ignore this and do as outlined above. She is trying to get negative attention.

“I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.”

I would say that is absolutely no way to speak to me, especially when I’ve just made you dinner. Never call me that again, if you do there will be X consequence. Walk away.

“On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.”

As above. Do not call me that, it is rude and unacceptable.

Im all for being strict but don't put a lock on the outside of a childs room or anyone's for that matter

I don’t know how to parent her.
My older daughter is so well behaved she wouldn’t dream of being rude or not doing as she was asked so I’ve never had any issues, she would be devastated if I had to tell her off because she would never deliberately do wrong so a small explanation has always been enough and she’s understood and learnt, because she’s a good natured person who wouldn’t want to upset me.
I have tried to be firm with my 8yo I insist she does something and she just won’t.
She gets a lot of pleasure from being unkind to her sister and if she ever hurts herself she will say haha and rejoice in her pain, it’s just so different with her.

There was a similar post on MN, only it was a boy. I wonder if OP will see this thread and react

This is excellent advice. Had problems with my daughter when she was about the same age as yours and we followed this tactic. Was also open with friends and extended family about the behaviour issues so we could take a “whole village” approach. Had to stick to our guns, but we got there. Our daughter became a (relatively) lovely teen and is an amazing young adult now. You all have to work together in this OP.

Are any of the suggestions on this thread things you might try? If so, could you list the ones you are willing to try and start implementing them this week? You say you don't know how to parent your eight-year old and that she is strong-willed but from what you say you have allowed her to gain the upper hand by not intervening from the very beginning. That must be hard if your first child is of a docile disposition.

Through school, our local authority offers access to support for parents struggling with behaviour. Is that something that might be available to you, so you can have support to help cut through your sense of overwhelm?

Jesus OP, you need to start seeing things through. The phone needs to go, she can do homework on a device belonging to an adult. Or personally I'd explain to her teacher she's not allowed screens right now, and find out if there's an alternative. You absolutely cannot let her siblings pick up her slack, even if you do end up in a stand off all night. You have to show her you've got more stamina than she does. DD is nearly 8 and she couldn't really care less about toys, so generally a punishment for behaviour like that would be missing out on something she really wants to do. If she spoke to me in the way you describe she would absolutely not be going to ice skating tomorrow (she LOVES ice skating) and if it happened again she'd be missing out on her best friends birthday party this weekend. It sounds like she does what she wants, walks off and then it's all blown over when she decides to re-engage?

Sounds like you would benefit from parenting classes. You could Google and see whats available to you.

I think there needs to be a deeper look into what’s going on. People aren’t this unkind for no reason. Some of it is lack of boundaries certainly but others - what is she gaining by saying things like “of course it’s nice idiot”?

My questions/next steps would be:

1. Is there someone in her life who speaks to her like this? Someone at school or a club? Chat with teachers
2. She sounds very unhappy - I’d be researching therapy to see if you could possibly afford a few sessions.
3. Conplete consistency. Not just with the consequences but with your reactions. When she’s laughing at someone else’s pain she’s looking for a reaction. Stay completely poker faced and simply reinforce the consequence - you were rude so there are no sweets. When she says “I don’t care” completely ignore her. Go about your evening, do not engage with any further conversation about it.
4. Don’t implement punishments you can’t enforce (as you say you can’t force her to stay in her room). Keep it simple, “you may have iPad/tv/sweets whatever when you have apologised for being rude/tidied up
5. Keep talking to her about her behaviour. Find a time when she is happy and calm and give her a bit of love - a cuddle and a story, a game together - ask her what she feels about it, has she heard others behaving in that way, is there a reason she feels cross? Try to get away from ‘naughty and rude’ and address the behaviour as expressing annoyance, unhappiness or disrespect. Show her you want to help. She may well resist at first or just laugh - keep plugging away.

She is 8 why does she have a phone? Do you know what she is watching on there

If you have a strong willed child, you have to be stronger. Ignore her until she speaks to you politely. If you send her to her room, you keep putting her back until she stays there, even if it takes 100 times - don't look at her or speak to her, just march her back in. Pick your battles and make sure you win them.

As for the rudeness, I would have a sticker chart and if she's rude, she loses all privileges for the rest of the day - no screens, no treats, no pudding. Don't allow your stepson to take her out if she can't behave herself, it's not fair on him to have responsibility for her. You need to crack down on her behaviour now before she's older and possibly bigger than you.

I had 5 boys and my husband worked away in the week. There's no way any of them would have dared to speak to me like that because they knew that if I said something I meant it and there would be no backing down. You're the adult and you have to have the authority.

What does she love doing? Does she do any clubs? A warning then not going that week! I’m an ex teacher btw and stand for non of it. My children were like this at 4 and then 8 and it was nipped in the bud quick sharp. The other thing I once said I’d do is call for a meeting with school to check she was not like this at school as I’d be ashamed! She hated that so I never did it but if she’d have continued I would have emailed for a chat with the teacher. Think of it as boundaries are kindness and are a hug. Be form, have authority but no shouting g is required. There’s always tea to drink when she’s shouting. Good luck and let us know how you get on

Additionally if you were going to go shopping/ do something nice in the very near future, you warn her then carry out, “ok dd I’ve asked you not to throw shoes/ call me stupid etc and you’ve continued so on Saturday I will be going to town/ McDonalds without you. And do it and mean it. No amount of apology will change this. Also, you must go. She will be so shocked. Mine were!

I have ND kids who are all bonkers in their own ways but they all require very different parenting. So some need low demand parenting, some need very calm and gentle parenting, another one needs to be treated like a stray Alsatian that needs neutering. I suggest reading up on different parenting techniques and seeing how you think they’d benefit you both.

Are you scared of her? You seem it.
Does she respond well to cuddles and just you & her time? Is she worried you prefer her sister?

I have a younger relative who was a bit mean girl and she was being vile to her mum about 20 years I remember asking her who she thought she was talking to like that and if she ever spoke to her like that again she’d be coming to live with me until she could behave like a person, not an arsehole to her mum, I even took her mp3 player from her and told her she could have it back when I was happy with her behaviour. I gave it back at the end of my visit but told her I was a phone call away. Change of person put a bit of fear into her and made her appreciate how nice her mum was. Do you have anyone who can come and be bad cop? It’s not something I would suggest usually but if you’re going to lay down the law, you actually have to do it and really stick to your guns. If you can’t, then it’ll make her respect you less. Also, that relative is a lovely woman now, she just liked ruling the roost.

I would also empty her room of anything ‘fun’ as she already has a phone that she clearly uses more than just for homework I would remove any technology in her room, along with any make up, toys, anything she treasures basically (do it while she’s at school one day so when she comes home and is rude and takes herself to her room she’s in for a big shock) no getting it back until a change over long period of time - even then drip feed it back and remove again on repeat

tell her tea is ready once only each day, she can eat it cold, as others have said no snacks nothing

and more serious consequences, no attending birthday parties/play dates etc, if you have something fun planned as a family, either your or her dad stays home with her (doing something she wouldn’t find fun) and the other takes out the other kids

although I would have gone full dragon lady at my DD if she spoke to me like that in such a short period of time

Toughen up with her. She's walking all over you as there is no consequences to her behaviour. Pull her up everytime and put a consequence in at the time. Or she will get worse as she gets older.

Okay, I've thought about this a bit more.

1 I would talk to school. Do they have an ELSA service or similar? I think you actually need to access more professional support and the school is a good first step.

2 When she throws her things or won't tidy up or whatever, pick up whatever it is, and put it in a box. She won't have access to it. So the next day, she has to wear shoes that are not school shoes or has no coat or whatever.

3 Can you work on breaking the pattern. What does she want? What can you make her work towards? is there a toy she's desperate for or an activity? if she tidies up after herself for 2 weeks, she gets it Perhaps with smaller treats along the way.

4 If she's not like this at school it suggests she's either got significant issues with home life (and see above re professional support) or she's masking. If the latter, she also needs professional support but what can you do to head this off? For example, I'v'e known children who really really need that snack as they walk out the door of school. Others cannot go home unless they'vee been to the park or to some other activity. Is there anything like this you can start working on? Something that allows a transition between school and home?

This.

Really don’t be locking a child in their room - it’s all kinds of wrong, and deeply unsafe, and will send her into a panic so is completely self defeating.

Agree on the lock, don’t do that.

I know. But parents can't do anything nowadays and the kids know it.

Most children are fine, but when you have a child like the OP's daughter, there is nothing that can be done.

I was just asking my husband what his dad would have done if he had said shut up to him, and he just laughed. His dad would have beaten him. His dad never hit him because he wasn't a naughty child, but he did beat his brother because his brother was wild, like the OP's daughter.

This wont make her follow suit. All its gonna do is making her hate “Molly”.