How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

I would wonder if it’s something she isn’t happy about at school. You say she is shy and quiet. Sounds to me like something is not right and she is lashing out at home.

I say ‘seriously?’ or ‘Oi, rude!’ and they say ‘sorry mummy, I’m all off balance’ or ‘sorry mummy, I’m being a dick but I’m really upset’. Then we talk.

Or I say ‘ouch, that’s not like you, what’s going on?’. Then we talk.

Find out what’s wrong. Sounds like it’s quite longstanding. Talk to her.

Mine are late teens now. You can’t tolerate this kind of behaviour, but you need to find out where it’s coming from.

I've just read your subsequent posts, OP. If she is also being rude to her dad, between you, you can present a united front. Her behaviour is extreme so your response needs to be if not extreme, definite. How about telling her that for the next fortnight/month, she will be staying at home each evening and for the weekend - no visits to grandparents, no friends round, no activities, no meals out, no treats. It would clip your wings too, but seeing the rest of the family doing interesting things she is temporarily excluded from? I would impose it without warning and without discussion, in the hope that there was a significant improvement by the Summer holidays.

She would have had to move the debris after school. Her sister would not be allowed to and sge would be made to do it ... not optional!
Every time she is rude there would be consequences. Honestly, im on my sixties and would never have been rude to my Mum but if I had Id have not been able to sit down for a week.

If she were mine, I'd slap her bloody backside. Fuck having that kind of behaviour. She'd only do it once.

You: send to bed with no dinner, hold her under the arms from behind and carry her quietly back to the hall, no chores = no pocket money, no pudding.

Well at some point she decided she could speak to you how she wanted. And stopped respecting you and seeing you as in charge as the adult at home.
Try to think what and when that was. When something changed.

The following is the stance I have always taken with ds7 and ds5.

Take a very firm tone. Do not swear. If she's standing, tell her to sit down and look at you. If she's sitting, tell her to stand up and look at you. This is a control tactic. Then I say stuff like:

"You are not to speak to anyone like that. People who treat other people like dirt end up living a miserable life, alone and with no friends. The worst ones end up punched by someone they're rude to, or in jail. Treat everyone and everything with respect, and you will also be treated with respect.
I am not your servant. My requests to you are reasonable, and yet you speak to me like dirt. You WILL lend a hand in this house. I cannot allow you to grow up incapable of being helpful and nice to people, that is my responsibility and my duty to you as your mother, and it is your duty to listen to and act upon my good advice.
Each time you are rude to me, you will spend 5 minutes on the naughty step on the stairs. Behaving like a small child will lead to the consequences of a small child.
Sticking out your tongue, saying no, and telling me to shut up all count as rude, as does walking away when I'm talking to you. Where did you learn to do that, because it certainly didn't come from me. Nobody speaks to you or behaves towards you like that, so there is no reason to do it to me.

If this behaviour has come from the television, you will stop watching it. If you've learnt it from friends, you will no longer see them and I will speak to the school to have you moved to a different class. Alternatively you can choose to improve your behaviour, and then we won't have to go down that route.

Your behaviour is a choice. You are choosing to behave this way and you can easily choose not to. "

I have outlawed the words "shut up" and "stupid" from my house. It sounds silly but it has made a massive difference. I just say "we don't say stupid". We say "silly" instead, it really diffuses things.

Teen step brother has just asked the older of the sisters if she wants to go for a drive and then 8yo said she wants to come but she’s sitting in the front so dss said no she’s in the front and I said it’s his car so if you go you sit where you’re told or you don’t go.
She said shut up so I said right you’re not going for speaking to me like that and she said it again so the other two left while I held her back and quickly locked the door while she grappled for the keys and she smacked my arm so I said go to your room, she said no so I took her arm and led her up but she grabbed the banister and I peeled her hands off but when I put her in her room she opened it and walked down so I put her back in 5 or 6 more times and each time she just walked straight back out.

I just cannot force her. I have taken her phone instead but she’s just grinning at me and saying I’ll find it and get it.

It has made no difference to her that’s she didn’t get to go or that she was meant to go to her room because she doesn’t care and I can’t physically hold the door shut while she yanks the other side.

At 8 if mine refused to do something I’d physically move them if need be, I’d direct their every move until the job was done. They’d also be spending a lot of time with me doing crafts, reading, doing chores. Their time isn’t their own if they won’t be courteous. I have a fine “you’ve gone too far” voice and a look that could fell a child at 20 paces, I don’t use it often but they know they’re in trouble.

I also refuse to reply to rudeness, so I’d tell them I can’t hear what they’re saying because they’re so rude in the way they say it. I’m not above “who are you talking to” in a very stern voice making it clear their manner needs to change pronto. If they storm upstairs they’re brought back downstairs and told to walk up calmly. Mine are teenagers now, and know not to speak rudely or swear at me or slam around the house.

Theres lots of praise too when they get it right, of course, and lots of humour but rudeness won’t be tolerated.

It’s all well and good being smiley and kind voiced, but your children need to know you’re in charge not just through removing stuff they want, but imposing things they don’t want.

If she didn’t care that she didn’t go, fine. Good.
Well done for not letting her have her way either.

Why on earth does your 8 year old have a mobile phone?!

You have done well here, OP. DD's behaviour isn't going to improve quickly. It will take weeks of keeping at it. Hard for you. Why ever does she have a phone at eight? That's something you could do today - close the account and when she next mentions tge phone, say she's not having it back at all.

I wouldn’t accept that attitude - but I do think we were quite strict when they were tiny so as they got older it’s been easy to call them out on poor attitude.

You mention step siblings. How many children are in the house? Do you think she is competing with the others & trying to get attention?

I’m surprised she is getting away with talking to all the adults like this. You’re doing her no favours as she won’t be especially popular outside the family home if she behaves like that.

You could strip her right back to basics and instead of taking things away as punishment she only earns them with good behaviour.

Kindly, your 8 year old doesn't need a phone. 18, maybe, 8, no. Take the sim out and put it somewhere she'll never find it. Cancel the contract. Change the wifi code. Sell the phone.

Stay calm. She thinks she’s won. When you do something nice at the weekend (McDonald’s/watching a film as a family with popcorn/she asks to go to the school disco/her friend over to play) calmly remind her of her being disrespectful and she’s getting zero treats/luxuries/any favours from you until she learns to be respectful/well behaved.

@op

she has a phone at 8. This is why she behaves this way.

Definitely a major contributing factor.

Why on earth does an 8 year old have a phone

Why does an 8-year-old have a phone? I would remove it permanently, not as punishment for rudeness, simply because she is too young. How much screen time does she have on a typical day?

I really think that through her behaviour she is pleading with you to show her that she has gone too far. She wants you to tell her where the line is. She may feel quite insecure, because she has too much power in the house and that doesn't feel right for a child. I would sit her down (when she is calm) and talk very matter-of-factly about what is acceptable and what is not. Tell her that you won't accept her speaking rudely to you (or to anyone), that name-calling is not allowed in your house. A chart of some kind might work if she is motivated by that sort of thing.

It’s got no SIM card but they have to do homework by logging into apps.

Id have nipped that in the bud as soon as she said she was sitting in the front. Her sibling didn’t invite her, so she should be asking, not making demands. So id have said “no, x and y are going out, you can stay with me and do whatever”.

Having physically stopped her leaving I would have ended the discussion there - hitting would have brought a very loud, stern “what on earth do you think you’re doing” and a long, loud if need be telling off. It doesn’t matter if she isn’t miserable about losing her phone, it’s the consequence rather than her reaction that matters. Put it away or keep it with you at all times.

I wouldn’t have sent her to her room (I don’t think that’s particularly effective unless you need some distance to stop yourself throttling her).

Shes telling you she can do what she wants, and she’ll fight any change to that - as you’ve seen - but consistency is what matters.

In my house screen time began at 5pm. Any bad behaviour was met with a correction, and if necessary a warning. Then they lost 5 minutes of screen time. 10 if they wanted to keep pushing. By that I mean the start time moved to 5:05, 5:10.

If we got to 5:15 we probably had a bigger problem, and I’d stop engaging while I thought it through but that was very rare.

so to take one of your examples

she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.

I’d say, “oh? It’s not ok to speak to me like that. Let’s try that again: yes it is a nice sweet mum. Or maybe you could tell me what flavour it is”. (Mild correction)

If she repeated one of those phrases, said something else acceptable or just fell silent for a while, I’d consider that reasonable.

If she insulted me again, I’d say, “you’re going to lose 5 minutes of screen time if you don’t speak to me nicely” and this time I’d expect her to either rephrase or apologise and subside.

If she fell into line, I’d just happily engage as normal, and consider the matter over.

If she didn’t, I would stop talking. Don’t say “well now you’ve lost screen time etc” as that’s just engaging with poor behaviour and adding fuel to the fire.

But if she escalates, I’d say “do you want to make then minutes?” (Warning and another opportunity for her to take the exit) and if she continued that would be ten minutes.

It is absolutely vital to put the time restriction at the beginning of the next screen session. It’s far easier to enforce than at the end, because she will want to get the rest of her session. Don’t take more than 15 minutes or take the entire amount of time or you’ve lost your power. Small, consistent penalties are much more effective.

In my house I included an option to do a chore and earn back the 5 minutes (which helped avoid whining and begging or another explosion when 5pm rolled round. I would let them empty the rubbish, fold some laundry, pair socks, hoover one room (something relatively quick that would only take a minute or two)

I was dealing with an autistic ds who was dysregulated by school, had a pda profile and this method worked brilliantly. I never got angry, or loud, but held the line both in terms of his behaviour and as a calm presence.

It may be the case that you need to adjust your expectations a bit - my ds needed some decompressing time after school and wouldn’t have handled questions or a conversation with me on the way home. (We had a version of the above where the substituted phrase was “I’d rather not talk just now mum”)

He's a calm, responsible and very pleasant teen now so this does work.

My child would be the same OP. He would care whether there was dinner or anything 😂