How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

My DD has her moments like this.
She is motivated by having her phone so one warning for real rudeness (shut up, you're stupid) and then it's lost for the next day. She has ADHD and is very impulsive and rarely stops to think so if I give her a warning then I give her time to breathe too so she doesn't just burst out straight away (e.g. she is rude, I take a breath, reply calmly so it's not a back and forth. This part is very important. Say less. Don't argue back - takes two to argue.).
I also just don't listen if it's minor rudeness (tone of voice - "why should I" etc.). I sometimes ask her if she wants to say it more politely, or I just don't answer.
Finally if she gets in a real rant or tantrum I sometimes put on my headphones and listen to something other than her.

Nrtft but could she be ND?

I'm thinking ODD maybe?

She’s EIGHT. NO PHONE, OP. Do you have parental controls on it even? Get rid of the phone immediately.

You’ve got to deal with this behaviour now OP. Imagine in 4/5 years’ time at 12/13, she’ll be as big and strong as you, or more. It will be an absolute shit-show. I speak from experience, please don’t make the same mistakes I did. (Though I certainly didnt give a phone that young.) Speak to gp NOW (necessary but probably ultimately pointless), speak to school SENCO, arrange assessment for ND (ADHD, autism, PDA, ODD etc), get the process in motion now, it takes years. If you can afford it, go private - counselling for you, for her, private assessment possibly. She may not be ND, but you need help to figure out what is causing this behaviour, because as parents who have experienced it, we know that it is almost impossible to deal with on your own, and it will probably only get worse and then will be much more difficult to deal with. For some children, “normal” parenting techniques do not work and actually backfire. Parents who don’t have children like this do not understand this, why would they, tough love and other techniques work on most wilful children - but not all. Good luck OP.

The most ridiculous comment I have read!
Aren’t you meant to be in control?
And what a great example to set….

This is exactly how she feels about her older sister but because she is so well behaved in comparison and in her own words she hates her because she is always good and she does get jealous when she loses a privilege and her sister has earnt hers so she’ll try and ruin that for her, there is real spite and resentment.
I try not to let her show by example because I don’t want her to think she’s the good one and she’s the one who gets in trouble and just accept that role.
I want her behaviour to change a mile but I don’t hold her to the exceptionally high standards of her sister who in contrast is a stickler for the rules and likes to point out and tell on her every single thing she does something wrong, which I would hate too but then she feels she’s followed the rules so why shouldn’t her sister.

She loves Horrid Henry and quotes a lot of it to her sister but I think it’s because she can relate to herself as Henry and sister as Peter.

Yes this

I would go nuclear. Honestly I don’t understand how a parent even needs to ask this, surely your emotion leads you to know the level of response you need to give. If her attitude is escalating to this level of rude at her age I suspect you’ve not been focussing enough on the so called smaller, macro rude reactions, it’s escalating.

I have never had to go nuclear because the groundwork has been laid that my children would not dream of doing any of the things you are describing. It takes effort, consistency and pride to in-still respect in a child. They’re not your friend, they’re your child and they want and need boundaries.

I don’t know why current generations are struggling so much with parenting, for all the issues of parenting in the 00s and before the one thing most of our parents managed was instilling respect in children. The behaviour crisis in our schools is down to this lack of parenting we are now seeing. I despair.

No
My DC was behaving appallingly, running out of the room when told off, back chat etc
So small lock on their door, removed anything interesting from their room

Next time they were warned and given the opportunity to behave -this is important
They carried on so taken upstairs to their room
No shouting, pleading etc
Just a quiet consequence -time out to reflect and calm down

Everyone else carried on with their evening

Guess what they apologised and never did it again

Children need boundaries and consequences
Lock came off shortly after

Agree

We all go through sticky patches but its all about teaching them manners and emotional regulation
They all watch these sassy tiktokers and think its RL
I think no SM for U16s is the way forward

I have a similar issue with mine and i always try to tell DD who is such a goodie goodie that i dont need her to tell on her brother or to pick up after him. I make sure she knows i dont need an assistant in dealing with her brother.
When she asks why Ds doesnt follow the rules and why im picking my battles with him i just explain to her that he has different standards because he struggles with it more and needs more help and support to learn it.
I try to find an example of something positive that comes easy to him and DD struggles with more (drawing, reading, a sport) and explain to her that people are all different with different talents and when someone struggles with something they sometimes just need more time and support.
This approach has made a huge difference in their relationship.

Agreed, mine aren’t allowed social media, which is a bloody hard thing to enforce at 15 but I’m sticking firm with it. There is so much parents need to be monitoring and being firm with, I just think too many want the path of least resistance.

Im reading all this and thinking - where is your anger? You just sound passive and defeated. Im not suggesting physical force- but I would not have an 8 year old child calling me 'stupid' and 'an idiot'. What ever happened to 'You do NOT speak to me like that!' and follow up with consequences..
Of course she's going to pretend she doesn't care but you need to be consistent. And boring with it.
And I would really recommend some further support

Same with us - DS was always the one who struggled with behaviour when they were younger, now it's mainly DD but we tell DS we are the parents, it's not his job to tell DD what to do or to tell us what she's doing. "It's not your problem" ad nauseam (unless it's actively unsafe, in which case "thank you for telling us, it's us who will deal with it now").

My mother's "Just who do you think you're talking to" was enough for me!

I think you’re probably very weak willed, and you daughter can smell that weakness a mile off, and will exploit it.

You have not said what you will do, despite lots of suggestions, just thrown your hands up and said you don’t know what to do. This kid is going to be a nightmare inflicted on society in general if you don’t sort this. Your kid, it’s your responsibility. Time to get a backbone.

1. phone goes, permanently. No 8 year old needs a phone and you need to understand that you are actually harming her by allowing her to have access to the internet or games unfettered at that age, even if you want to give the excuse that she needs it for homework. That’s a load of crap.
2. All other devices - gone until further notice, not for a day, not for a week - until you are satisfied that she has improved her behaviour. School informed homework will need to be submitted via another method.
3. school also informed of said behavioural issues at home. They can work with you to suggest if there are issues at school triggering this, but I suspect it is because you’ve had ‘easy’ children previously and can’t get the fortitude up to deal with one that isn’t. She also needs to know you’re informing the school of her behaviour. A bit of embarrassment here may not hurt.
4. Things left in hallway? Throw them outside the door and she can collect them tomorrow AM. If they’re wet - tough. That’s her problem. And I would actually say that - ‘that’s nobody’s problem but yours’
5. Wont come for dinner? Gets one call, then food goes in bin. She can go hungry for the night. DO NOT RENEGE on this - she won’t die.
6. Speaks to her sister like crap? Pocket money gone, trips gone, outings gone INDEFINITELY until she learns this just won’t fly.
7. When she is awful - tell her. She needs to know she is being vile and nobody wants to be around someone who is awful. Because that is the truth and the reality for her.

the key is you MUST NOT give in at all. You must stick this out long term to make this work. Or god help you in 5 years, and your other kids will possibly blame you for a miserable childhood home life thanks to your weakness and permissibility of these behaviours.

I’ve had a ‘strong willed’ child. But I am stronger. My late teenage children now say I was strict, but they have also said they appreciate it now in retrospect. And they are beautifully behaved young adults with respect for me and me for them.

Get a grip, and stick it out, no matter how hard it gets.

This!

Her behaviour is vile. How have you raised several nice children and one brat? What is so different with her?

Precisely, it was the same for me growing up and it is the same for my now teens, unfortunately I don’t think OP has done enough of the wider parental groundwork that enables this level of intervention to work.

I would be interested to know how OP would react to any other person calling her idiot or stupid. I can’t imagine tolerating this from anyone, never mind my child, I wonder if she would be so defeatist if it was someone else.

I think this child has learnt to get attention by behaving like this
She is begging for boundaries to be put in place by calling her mother stupid or an idiot
Shes literally telling her mother she is weak

If she does this to people outside the family they will quite rightly move away from her/ reject her
I taught my DC the consequence of this behaviour in a safe way at home, was present and they were not in danger
Behave like this = time out alone
No fuss or drama
This is what happens if you insult people
Always warn and allow them to behave
One warning then consequence

She has obviously picked this up at school and on the internet where there are no consequences

I agree with this.

OP, the behaviour you've described from your DD would make me very, very angry, and I would try to channel my anger in a constructive way to address these issues. But fundamentally, your DD has to believe that she cannot get away with behaving towards you in this way, and that things she will not like will happen if she does it.

I have ADHD and I suspect my older child at least does as well. So we are quite low demand in our household and I don't sweat the small stuff. I remind to put clothes in the laundry basket when a trail is left all over the house after school, and similarly I remind nicely to put things away and hang coats and bags up, and my DC generally complies because he knows that it makes our lives so much easier the next day and we're not running out the door without half the things he needs for school. There's an element of personal responsibility which I'm introducing now. He had to go to school without his reading book and pencil case the other day, and the teacher wasn't happy, so now he listens when I remind him to put everything back in his bag after doing homework and often does it himself. So with your DD leaving stuff around and refusing to pick up her things, what I'd probably do is chuck it all in a big box somewhere, and she can pick what she needs out for school or she just doesn't have it and she'll get into trouble - up to her. But that removes one point of conflict around the house without you giving in to her.

With rudeness and name-calling, I'd just give one warning and then down tools. "You will not speak to me in this house like that. This is your warning". And then after that, don't do anything for her until she apologises. With not coming to dinner, I'd just call her once and then clear it away. She can make herself a cheese sandwich or something if she's hungry.

It's a bit of a long shot, but have you tried treating her the way she treats you? So ignore her, answer her rudely, ignore requests for help etc and just carry on as normal with everyone else?

My oldest could be very rude and argumentative with selective hearing and a withering tone of we didn't immediately understand what he was talking about.

My husband and I gave him one warning along the lines of 'I wonder how you would feel if we spent a day treating you the way you treat us...' and the next time he was rude, that was what we did.

It was HARD to do, as someone who makes a point of trying to be generally quite kind, but it was very effective.

My teenager called me a bitch yesterday and wished me dead. He had a lovely evening reading books as I confiscated his phone and Xbox as he refused to apologise, then a nice early bedtime of 9 pm.

This is true
But her sister is a nice child. So OP is obviously not a totally ineffective parent. What has gone wring with this one?

I think there’s a lot to unpick here. Her behaviour is unacceptable and needs addressing firmly in the moment, but the unhappiness underlying it needs addressing just as urgently. She is clearly very, very angry. I notice that the way you talk about her older sister - and stepbrother - is positive almost to the point of hagiography. Has there always been this stark contrast between them in your mind? Was she a “difficult baby”? I think you need to consider whether there is a problem with the bond between you, because your feelings towards her seem closer to actual dislike than just frustration with her behaviour. You think nothing will work on her because you believe it’s her intrinsic nature to be unpleasant. She will be aware of this antipathy, and it will make her feel excluded and unloved, fuelling even worse behaviour.

I think you should consider family therapy. It’s brutal and you’ll have to be honest with yourself, but it can really help with entrenched family dynamics like this.

Children don’t all need parenting the same. My children are chalk and cheese, one is ND and needs a firmer approach. I approach things differently with each of them but the overarching theme is that it’ll always be firm and consistent, with zero tolerance for what the OP is describing.