How do you react if your child is rude to you ?

[yesyeah]

Dd 8 is very rude to me, tells me to shut up, or just speaks with such attitude.
She came in the door and threw her shoes and bag down in the hallway so I couldn’t get the door shut be because her things were just dumped and I was manoeuvring a pushover over them so I asked if she would pick her things up and she looked at me said erm no and walked into the lounge and shut the door while her sister picked up her things and hung up her bag and coat and put her shoes on the shoe rack as she always does with her own.
After I opened the door and said excuse me, she said shut up and stuck her tongue out while pulling faces.

I have just called her down for dinner and had no reply so I called again and she says alright idiot I know, so again I say don’t speak to me like that and she says shut up.
On the way home she was eating a sweet that’s someone at school gave her as it was their birthday and I said it smells nice and she said that’s because it is nice stupid why do you think I’m eating it.
I am fed up of the way she speaks to me, I know kids have attitude but this is so disrespectful and everytime I say anything she is more disrespectful calls me more names and says to shut up.

I wouldn’t say she’s ever hit me but she swiped at me to indicate she’s imagining to but she’ll only brush my sleeve or something just to show she wants to.

So as my title how would you react if your child was rude to you?

Advice i was given by a psycholgist was don't engage, don't react. It was hard but it worked.

Also they said that constantly taking things away made it worse. They suggested starting with absolultely nothing on a Monday morning and rewarding good behaviour and that made things a lot easier too.

So if she was rude in the car on the way home from school, still nothing. No phone, TV, going out to play, clubs, computer, sweet etc. If the behaviour got better then you could maybe reward her with 10 mins TV or something and build it up. Make it a positive, rather than a negative?

It was an absolute pain in the arse but it worked. Granted, we didn't have it anywhere near as bad as you have.

To add - the consequences that work for most of us, such as stern looks and voices, withdrawal of privileges etc, aren’t working for you because there isn’t the trust and security in the relationship. She doesn’t feel that you have her best interests at heart and she doesn’t feel connected enough to you for the interruption of that connection to matter to her. She feels you don’t like her anyway, so who cares if you are a bit angrier than usual. You have to address the dynamic between you and rebuild the relationship before she will feel invested in earning your approval, I think.

Id have followed her and hauled her back to the hallway to pick up her own bag etc and told her sister NOT to do it for her. And id have locked her phone (i can do this from my phone) if she said no/was rude to me. Id not be tolerating that not for one second her life would get very difficult very quick in my house with that sort of stuff said to me!

You are getting a lot of criticism but I am sympathetic because she sounds quite a lot like my eight year old. Who likely has ADHD and maybe some other stuff too. She is similarly very very difficult when it comes to anything demanding and can be very rude but can be incredibly lovely at other times.

As parents we certainly have all kinds of consequences and we absolutely stick to them but a lot of the recommendations made on this thread just don't work and actually make things worse.

For example, physically moving or restraining my child will often result in one or both of her and I getting hurt, inadvertently. It's horrible and an absolute last resort.

Getting into a big argument with her - well she even at 8 will throw a 2hr long screaming tantrum where she can't actually access logical thought and can't be reasoned with.

Taking her stuff away and constant punishments. We do this sometimes, but end up in a miserable situation where everything fun has gone and she's no better.

In essence, she needs to be treated as someone that needs help to improve. I believe a lot of it is coming out because she's anxious and often unhappy at school where she is struggling with focus and trying to fit in with others.

Plus if she's tired, hungry, frustrated about something...

My daughter is very impulsive and she struggles with thinking through the consequences of her emotional responses, so it's hard for her to learn to control these.

When she's upset, she lashes out, and we are trying to help her find better ways to deal with her emotions, but it's a hard thing even for adults to master.

However, we always make it clear that rudeness is unacceptable, and there are consequences. But we try and make these in the moment rather than long running. Some things we let go. I do find that pretending not to hear her when she's rude works well, because she really really wants our attention. I'll ask her to say it again politely so that I can hear her. We will mostly allow a reset and to forgot what's gone before, if it comes with an apology.

None of these suggestions of "all devices gone till she sorts her act out" are going to work. She needs consequences but for an impulsive child (ND or not) any positive or negative consequence more than half a day ahead will be useless.

I’m presuming she has no phone or tablet access at all for this. And no hanging with friends outside of school.

she would lose all treats or anything for this

I’m sorry but I think this is absolutely codswallop, someone calls you stupid or an idiot and you just disengage? How on earth is a child ever to understand something is unacceptable if a parent just doesn’t react?

That’s not how you would react to any other person or animal or otherwise. A teacher in a classroom cannot just disengage when a child is behaving like that, but these are the kinds of children and behaviours they are being lumbered with.

She’s trying to get attention. You need to start from the ground up, not at the top of the pyramid where punishments sit.

How much time does she spend 1:1 with you? What does her home and school life look like in general?

I have strong willed kids - not just with me though or just at home

It never got to this stage - becuase it was stopped from very young ages in age approiate ways- they were given change to rectify and usually my clear displeasure was enough or there was immediate consquences - loss of TV - sent to room along and that went on till they aplogised and explained why they were in wrong by aged 8.

Some kids need firmer boundaries and direction and for parenst to be clear and firm - and it sounds like there been years of slipping or hoping things will improve.

Think you need to make it clear how you talk to one another and what expectations are - and then have a list of punishments in yoru head - going to room not having things she likes - but make the consquences as immeidate as possible.

I haven't read the full thread.

But my youngest (also 8) has tried this a few times. He goes to a fancy private school (I didn't) and I think a lot of the kids there talk down to adults as though they are staff. I do NOT stand for it.

Instant white fury from me or his father if he's rude (and, btw, this is nothing on the level of rudeness of your daughter - I think I'd physically explode if one of my children called me 'idiot') instant 'don't you DARE speak to me like that' and unless there is an instant sincere apology it's straight to his room. No devices just homework.

If he refused to do something like pick up after himself I would physically (not roughly) force him. We would not be moving on until it was done. Another family member would not be doing it for him.

On Christmas Day we were going out on a Christmas walk to go play with his new car in the park and he was rude. He had one warning. Rude again. OK back home for homework then, on Christmas Day. Only way he'll learn.

I will say it's about 6 months since this behaviour started and having got a bit worrying he's now polite and respectful 99% of the time as the zero tolerance approach has worked. I think they learn it from TV and other kids. A few in his class I've seen being vile to parents and especially nannies / au pairs.

You absolutely must be consistent.

Oh and take away YouTube. They learn a lot from that. Blanket for siblings too. Not sorry.

And she shouldn't have a phone at 8. You know this. No school insists on phone apps for homework, just get her an old PC instead, that's what we did. And most of the time I just tell the teacher he can do on paper what she sets as apps.

When DS was younger, I would physically make him do what I wanted within a 5sec countdown. First, tower over him, and if nothing happened, actually move his limbs for him. Now at age 7, if he pauses, he still gets the countdown but he does it (or starts to do it) 100% within that time. If he didn't I still would be ready to physically make him (except it never gets to this point). If he's ever rude or disrespectful to me in the slightest (very rare) I give "the look", that usually does it.

Maybe you could also have a chat to see if anything's bothering her that's unrelated.

Some kids just need a firmer hand than others. I've also seen some kids are terrible even with the smallest amount of screen time, so maybe just remove completely and live without. Good luck!

I am naturally very softly spoken, not a trait I like about myself but I have always been quite and afraid of disapproval so I probably do come across as weak/unheard and no doubt she senses this.

I think my other daughter is just like me, quiet, amiable and a bit of people pleaser so I found her placid and easy to raise as she’s quite indecisive and always goes along with what I suggest then along comes dd2 and I am out of my depth, she’s so strong willed and determined and knows exactly what she wants, everything I wish I could be. I didn’t want to break that spirited streak I was so in awe of yet so intimidated by.

I am trying my best with her but she has so much fire, passion and energy where I am socially awkward with social anxiety and I can absolutely demand something of her with my firmest voice yet she just sits there and says no.
I think as much as I find her a challenge, she enjoys the challenge.

she’s so strong willed and determined and knows exactly what she wants, everything I wish I could be. I didn’t want to break that spirited streak I was so in awe of yet so intimidated by.

You don’t want her as a role model. Her character traits are nothing to be proud of or to be in awe of.
Better softly spoken than rude. There is nothing wrong with being determined if you know how to apply it, which she clearly doesn’t. Seen many like her in junior positions at work (and they rarely last).

Social anxiety can be really, really hard to live with, so you have my full sympathies, and I hear you about speaking assertively and being firm not being typical or natural behaviour for you.

Who you are talking about here, though, is an 8 year old child. Not an adult. Not somebody in authority. Not somebody who knows more than you, or who has actual power over you.

There is no need for you to feel cowed by her. So if you are feeling like that, you need to remind yourself that she's just a kid. She's just a kid who's testing the boundaries, and doesn't know how to behave, because nobody's taken her in hand and shown her how.

Remind yourself that you are failing her if you don't get a grip on this. Remind yourself that you deserve some respect as her mother, and right now she's disrespecting and contemptuous of you. I'm not saying this to get at you, just to hopefully put some fire in YOUR belly to top hers. Imagine what her future, and everyone else's in the family will be like if you don't get on top of it now. Then take that vision and use it to fire yourself up. You can do it.

How long are the above consequences for?

Isn't there that phrase "people only treat you the way you allow them to".

Sorry to hear you're being pushed out of your comfort zone. Being a parent has so many challenges! But you will make your life easier overall for all of you to force some respect out of her.

@yesyeah OP, I haven’t read the whole thread, but have read all your posts. Unless your daughter has special needs, which you haven’t said she does, you need to find a consequence she does care about. There must be something that she would mind not having, doing, playing, etc.
In terms of parenting, there are plenty of good books about on parenting ‘challenging children’. I’m not a huge fan of everything super nanny does but she has worked with families with children who sound very similar to you DD. It might well be worth looking at some of her videos. Also, Children’s Centres offer parenting courses/classes to support children in all aspects of parenting. You might find some useful tips there.
If you can get on top of parenting your DD at this age, you stand a chance of being on top of teenage behaviour, which can be more extreme and difficult than her behaviour now. Not saying all teenagers are difficult, but they are often bigger than their mum and need to have learnt to do as they are told well before they are teenagers.
Parenting can be hard work, but beneficial for the whole family when children know who is in charge! (Goes without saying I am not talking about disabled children or children with complex needs, although clear boundaries are usually helpful for all children.)

You are bigger and stronger than her. You make her pick the things up. You carry her back into the hall and block the door and no one moves until stuff is back on the hook if it takes 30 mins or 5 hours. You can't let her win or she will think she can do as she pleases. I don't advocate force, but you do need to very seriously enforce immediate consequences or this is going to spiral way out of hand.

Usually the rest of the day if it’s a soft toy or device but if she’s looking forward to a particular treat that’s a few days away and I’ve resorted to that I will give her the opportunity to earn it back but I think she knows she couldn’t go a whole day without being rude so doesn’t bother.
Sometimes she sees a consequence as an option so if I say if you do such and such again you won’t have pocket money, she’ll consider her options and say fine and then carry on.

I think it would be useful for you to get some parental coaching OP. You haven't needed to be tough with your other children but with this one you need to show some authority. I get that it's hard but it can be learnt- and need to be learnt asap before she's a teenager.

Imagine being a teacher infront of a class in secondary school. They would rip you apart just like your daughter is doing because you lack selfesteem. This is really something to work on. She treats you like shit BECAUSE YOU ALLOW IT.

I wonder a bit about the dynamics at home. Is it possible that there is a golden child dynamic with her elder sister that she is reacting to? Has she somehow internalised the idea that she is the "bad" girl and her sister is the "good" one? Is she jealous of the positive attention her sister receives and settles for negative attention?

I also find it interesting that she is shy and quiet at school. Could she suffer from the same sort of social anxiety that you have? The pressure of the school environment might be unbearable for her and her rudeness at home is a reaction to that. Her behaviour is communicating a deep level of anger, unhappiness, and insecurity. I'd make it a priority to find the source. Some professional help might be needed here.

Of course, none of that means that her rudeness is acceptable. But I think this situation goes beyond an issue that can be solved with escalating punishments (a technique I'm not a fan of anyway). She needs to know where the line is drawn, but she also needs a more extensive and serious kind of help IMO.

I totally get this. DS isnt as rude, but he can take a rude tone with us too sometimes, our main problem though is, that he gets in trouble in school. He can be rude to classmates and sometimes teachers. Not outright with bad words, but with eye rolls and condescending comments.
The only thing he cares about is his devices. But once i take them off him, he sees no point in being nice anymore so he will just be even ruder. Then i punish him for that and add days of no screen and it gets to the point where he just doesnt care anymore because his next screen time is so far away.
I found this very ineffective. I theres annincident he gets his phone taken. Then i just ignore his tantrum completely. He will be rude to me when i take his stuff because he has very low impulse control, but i just dont react to it and let him get it out of his system. Then he usually sulks in his room before he comes to apologise.
He does know what hes doing wrong, but says in that moment he has no control and cant stay calm. He is 12 now and i think its gotten a lot better recently. You need to stay consistent, be firm and stick with it, but dont dish out punishments over several days or weeks. Then they give up on trying anyways.

You will get this but then you just keep enforcing further consequences. In my experience it takes an epic battle for them to see you mean business and then they steadily back down. Equally putting in place a reward system of pocket money for positive behaviour will mean her sister accrues rewards for her good behaviour too and you can focus on positives rather than negatives.

Work out what her goal is. What’s she looking to achieve? What is she trying to communicate that she can’t articulate in words. Is it your undivided attention? My eldest started some of this as we were struggling with her brother when He started school. It took a while to figure out what she really needed was me. So I did a negative/positive approach.

say she said she hated me, or I was an idiot. She’d be asked to go elsewhere (if she wouldn’t I’d leave and she’d be asked to stay away) until she was ready to speak kindly. Then told that when she apologised we’d do X (play a card game, bake, do some Xbox). Sometimes just telling them off isn’t enough they need something to rewire their thinking so there is an actual positive to changing behaviour not just a lack of punishment.

so work out what she’s missing and offer it as a reward for correcting her behaviour. I won’t lie, it took time and we didn’t always get it right, but as a preteen and teen she’s been able to just ask for what she needs rather than lash out.

Don’t allow her screen time again, don’t return her phone and don’t give her more pocket money until she revises her behaviour. Her life would consist of school, dinner and being stuck in her room by herself. After a few days you will see an improvement.