Should I cave and pack for my husband before our family holiday?

[KronkeyCroc]

going on holiday tomorrow and DH has gone camping with youngest for the weekend, after going mountain hiking Friday. And potentially heading out for a fun activity tonight (one I can’t do as I’m injured).

He’s not contributed anything to the planning of the holiday (booking it, airport parking, shopping for bits, thinking of kids entertainment so they’re not stuck on screens, organising the dogs home stay, booking seats together so our kids aren’t next to strangers, etc etc).

I really don’t want to pack for him but I do t know when he is going to find time. I’ll be packing for myself and the kids (too young to pack for themselves), would have spent the day washing, sorting house etc. he’s usually good and does do a lot around the house, does a lot of housework, takes kids to school etc. but mental load is all mine and I’m sick of it.

if I don’t pack his stuff I take the moral high ground but it know from experience it will make leaving more stressful as he will be chucking things in last minute in a panic and I’ll get resentment on holiday if he forgets anything. His bloody mother packs for his dad and he’s sees that as the norm. Part of me wants to cave for an easy life and to not have arguments. But another part of me is screaming don’t you fucking dare.

Thoughts…

WTF I’ve been with my DH over 30 years ave never once packed for him. Why the fuck are we treating grown men like babies? Has any woman on here ever had their packing done by a partner? It would completely weird me out. I was an SAHP for 8 years and I still didn’t pack his bags then (nor did he ever expect me to). Likewise I don’t buy his clothes.

It wouldn’t even occur to me to pack for another adult or child over 10.
If you usually do it, I’d go as far as reminding him that you’re due to leave at X time, so will leave his bag on the bed so he can pack before he goes out to fun activity this evening so he’s not in a rush in the morning. No way would I pack anything for him though.

Why would one adult pack for another human, fully-functioning adult?

I don’t even understand the question TBH. I’ve never packed for anyone except DC and that mainly stopped when they got to about 9 (I’d check but not pack).

What I’d do is pack the things that would cause me inconvenience if they were forgotten eg if he gets headaches, I’d make sure there was paracetamol. But if the inconvenience would only be felt by him (eg not having his favourite jeans) then I wouldn’t bother with those things.

I’d be so tempted to pack his stuff badly if I did it.

As in packing his least favourite or most unsuitable clothes, or the ones that don’t fit properly, and then I’d get all offended and insulted if he complains about not having the clothes he wants.

I mean packing your own stuff isn’t a difficult task for a grown adult, is it?
Assuming you’re up to speed with the laundry, it doesn’t take more than 15 - 20 minutes to pull however many changes of clothes out and stuff them in a case. And usually it’s possible to buy extra clothes while on holiday if something is forgotten.

Yes, DS has just turned 14 and it’s been years since either of us packed for him.

If my husband expected me to pack his case or asked me to, it would give me the proper ick.

A few pairs of shorts, underwear, t-shirts and evening shorts. What's so fucking hard about that?

Do not pack for him. Your not his mum and he's not answering incompetent child

I do the vast majority of the mental load but I’m a sahm so I see that as part of my job. For holidays I organise and pack medication and toileteries and pack enough family stuff for DH eg shampoo, tooth paste but anything specific to him eg shaving stuff is his responsbility. I don’t sort any of his clothes.

Did you ask your DH as he is mountain hiking,camping and doing activities the weekend before you go on holiday when he is going to do his packing?
Not that i think you should have to ask him what his plans for packing are,it might though mean you aren't left with the mental load of it.
He may answer with. I expect you to do my packing or ill do it .
Either way you wont be left with the should you shouldn't you dilema.

The one job my partner does for the holiday is pack his own bag. I wouldn’t consider choosing outfits and packing for him, I am not his parent.

It’s his choice to fill his time pre holiday and also to find time to pack his stuff. Don’t do it

Probably why I’m not married anymore, but I refused to play these games with my ex husband. If he’s short on time to pack, then he’s an adult who can probably do with a little cause and effect consequences. The only exception would be a direct, reasonable request - along the lines of realised he’d left it late and could I help him out by doing …..

I’ve sent him a text telling him I won’t have time to pack for him so that expectation has been completely removed. And to reiterate he has only one of our children and is socialising with a mate so in no way hard done by.

I don’t buy his clothes, don’t iron for him, and I don’t usually pack for him. I did it once early in the relationship and he was annoyed I forgot something so never did it again. So glad I haven’t cracked this time. Thanks for the stern talking to.

He’s a lovely man or I wouldn’t be with him and he does do a lot but it’s always the easy low hanging fruit tasks with high visibility. I truly think he doesn’t realise the extent of time and effort that invisible admin tasks take and that he believes he does more than me. But pp are right, it is a situation of my own making by just taking stuff on so it gets done. I need to do less and not be a martyr and if it doesn’t get done, so be it.

Hopefully he's at least paid for the holiday?!

We pool our finances so we both paid for it.

Right decision. Even if he did the majority of all the usual household tasks (he doesn't), you don't know what he wants to take.

Absolutely not!

How is the family division of labour and life generally? Do you feel you always take an unfair amount of the mental load in total? Have you ever raised this with him?
I always packed for my late husband, it was just part of the way we divided stuff up.

I don’t know why people are suggesting that the OP should at least pack his passport and medication. If a grown man can’t remember his own passport and medication when he goes on holiday then there are bigger problems here than packing

Please don’t!

I have to say this would never occur to me.

Well………..providing that the laundry is all done surely he can pack his own suitcase when he gets back today can’t he??? Leave all his clean stuff on the bed, suitcase on the floor and let him do it……that way HE knows exactly what he’s got to wear.

I actually always have to repack for my OH……he just piles everything in the middle, doesn’t think about filling spaces up or putting covers on shoes/sandals……..although he does have an excuse as his first wife was a total control freak - hence the divorce but she NEVER let him do anything independently……it was ALL under her instruction and methods! Drives me a little nuts but I love him 😍

All this outrage and the OPs husband hasn’t even asked her to do it for her. So not sure what the problem is really. If you don’t want to do then don’t do it.

The OPs husbands hasn’t put this ‘mental load’ on the OP the OP has put it on herself.

Ive never packed for my husband and I’m ’old’ 🤔. It wouldn’t have crossed my mind to do it though.
However, I’d be happy to do so if he had had a busy weekend and asked me to do it.
. It wouldn’t cross my mind that to do so would be some sort of win for the patriarchy. It’s just packing a few clothes. The OP will have spent more time on this thread navel gazing over this than she would have done chucking a few things together.

Married 30 years and I have never once packed or unpacked for my husband, on the basis that he is an adult, fully-functioning human being. My sister, on the other hand, married for 35 years packs and unpacks every time for her husband, and gets no thanks or appreciation. Let your husband handle this himself. If all else fails he can buy a few items at the holiday destination.

Absolutely not. He doesn’t need to go out to activities this evening, he can stay home and pack!

I’m probably old enough to be your Gran. Been married 55 years and have never packed for my husband. He’s a grown adult, that’s why!

Wait - you don't usually pack for him?

So why are you suddenly stressed about not packing for him?

He must've thought you were being very weird to text him out of the blue to tell him you're not going to do something you don't normally do that he didn't ask you to do!

You've worked yourself into a right state over nothing. I hope you have a great holiday and get to chill out a bit.