Should I cave and pack for my husband before our family holiday?

[KronkeyCroc]

going on holiday tomorrow and DH has gone camping with youngest for the weekend, after going mountain hiking Friday. And potentially heading out for a fun activity tonight (one I can’t do as I’m injured).

He’s not contributed anything to the planning of the holiday (booking it, airport parking, shopping for bits, thinking of kids entertainment so they’re not stuck on screens, organising the dogs home stay, booking seats together so our kids aren’t next to strangers, etc etc).

I really don’t want to pack for him but I do t know when he is going to find time. I’ll be packing for myself and the kids (too young to pack for themselves), would have spent the day washing, sorting house etc. he’s usually good and does do a lot around the house, does a lot of housework, takes kids to school etc. but mental load is all mine and I’m sick of it.

if I don’t pack his stuff I take the moral high ground but it know from experience it will make leaving more stressful as he will be chucking things in last minute in a panic and I’ll get resentment on holiday if he forgets anything. His bloody mother packs for his dad and he’s sees that as the norm. Part of me wants to cave for an easy life and to not have arguments. But another part of me is screaming don’t you fucking dare.

Thoughts…

No

If my dh expected me to do this he wouldn't be my dh any more. He's a grown assed man and can do his own packing. NFW would I do it for him and I wouldn't have even when our children were small.

I'd do it rather than risk your holiday after all your work. However I would make it clear that this is the last time.

I would make sure all his clothes were washed and dried and in one place (not necessarily put away, on the airer would do!) and if there is stuff he is likely to turn the house upside down for, like chargers, get them out and in a pile somewhere.

But I wouldn't pack for him and risk him blaming me all week for bringing the wrong swim shorts or something.

Packing is no more than a 15 minute job for any competent adult.

Of course he'lll get it done. Don't understand all the stress.

In what way would it ‘risk her holiday’? If the OP’s husband has forgotten to pack underwear or his swimming trunks, he’s just going to have to manage that. Himself.

It might be old fashioned but I used to love the "hard copy" brochures even as a child. My mum did the booking and I'd read all the details about the area and our hotel.

On family holidays, my Mum packed for herself, me and DB. We would each pack our own "hand luggage". Our Dad packed his own case. There were probably discussions between them about what to pack.

@KronkeyCroc Have you always packed for your DH?

I would send a strategic text telling him that he has to make time to pack. That way he is under no illusion that you are doing it and you can head off any unpleasantness at the pass as it were.

We have master lists of all things we need for hospital admissions, holidays, weekends, nights away just so we don't have to do too much thinking and so we don't forget pen and paper, power banks etc.

Also how do you know what he wants to take? surely it’s normal to want control over what clothes you wear? The way we pack for holidays is everyone gets a packing cube, packs their own cube, then usually DH (because he enjoys the Tetris nature of it) packs them in the bigger bag.

I have zero sympathy. This is all your own making.

Why are you doing everything? Why are you even considering packing for him?

I sort out a lot for our holidays because I care about them more than DH. So I choose location and book flights and accommodation. But I tell him to sort out taxi to airport, car hire, restaurant bookings, boat rental, ski passes, etc etc etc. Also, everyone packs for themselves in this house. The kids have been doing it themselves since they were about 6!

Stop treating your DH like a child.

I feel your pain. Do not pack for him.

I also have a dishwasher rearranger. Note he waits for me to load it before fannying about with it, instead of just loading it himself according to his rules.

This year I said I’m not booking the summer holiday. I am not good at planning and events particularly, but I’ve already done three birthday parties and covered all the school holidays so far, either planning childcare or providing day trips/short trips away. Every holiday we’ve ever been on has been planned by me.

I said in March if he wants a summer holiday he has to make it happen. About a month ago he said fine, just tell me the dates and I’ll have a look. I said no, working out the dates is part of the work. The calendar is up to date.

Nothing booked yet. Let’s see what happens!

Either way I’m taking the kids away with my brother and family while DH works and I have other nice things planned, so it is mainly him and who misses out if he doesn’t pull his finger out.

No. He’ll work it out, and if he needs help he can ask. You’ll resent him if you take on jobs that he should be doing.

Do not touch one stitch of that man’s clothing.

Don’t do it.
he knows when it is, he can manage his time accordingly.
id sort the laundry if he’s been away with the kid and I was doing the washing.

did he ask? I’d say ‘you didn’t ask and I didn’t assume as adults pack for them selves. I’ve done the children’s packing’.

honestly if he sulks- confusion is your best option. Be confused why an autonomous adult, who presumably can hold down a job and responsibility can’t pack a bag. Ask him what his struggles are and if he’s watched any videos on YouTube to help learn about it….!

we live in such a time of information…I don’t see how it’s possible to not learn something new if you wanted to! Hold tight, might take a couple of goes but he’ll get there if you hold his boundary.

Do you usually pack for him? Or has he asked you to pack for him this time? If the answer is no to both of these then I can’t see an issue? He’s obviously aware of the tight turn around and that he needs to pack when he gets home?

I always pack everything for me and ( now adult) ds.

however I expect him to get the stuff he needs ready and put into the washing basket when asked so it’s ready to go.

But we only take 1 suitcase and I’m anal about how it’s packed 🤣

im with those that say do what makes you less stressed. And if that’s packing for him then it’s worth it imo.
Id be less tempted if he was sat at home watching you rather than doing an activity with one of the kids .

Marriage is about teamwork. I would do the packing for him on this occasion since he's been away with your children so close to departure. But I suppose it depends on your set up. In our house, I tend to pretty much own holidays because I enjoy it and am good at it, DH tends to own DIY, household maintenance, insurance etc so I wouldn't feel taken advantage of in packing for him. It would be different if I felt he didn't do his share in general.

I quite like packing for my partner. It doesn't take long and he does a huge amount for me.

Your husband is out with the kids. No harm in doing something for him while he does the childcare.

This. You will suffer far more than he will in the end. Don't be a martyr, punish later him some other way.

Oh I'd pack a few things for him alright, but mostly frilly knickers and bras, one boxer shorts, 1 T shirt and a massive towel to bulk it out. That's because I do not take kindly to scatty or helpless men. They are perfectly able to pack for other things, and make sure they have their wallet going out etc.

He can buy essentials at the destination, since he's not too bothered this side of the journey.

If I did a kind thing for someone else in a hurry and packed for them, and they dared to express any kind of negativity at what I packed - I wouldn’t be in a relationship with them. I can’t see how that would be nicer than being single.

Have you discussed it? Is he expecting you to? If not, then no I wouldn’t. If however he has mentioned being tight on time and you’ve done it previously, I could understand why he might be hoping you would. In which case I’d make it crystal clear you don’t have capacity.

Why is he taking child camping a few days before you all go on holiday? He sounds like a big man child - all the fun stuff with none of the responsibility. Sadly, it sounds as though you've allowed this to become the norm.

Absolutely not OP. He’s not a child, he can do it himself. (Tbh my DH and DS both take about 10 minutes to pack for holidays as they wear the same stuff all the time and hardly use any toiletries.)

Have you missed the bit where op works full-time, as opposed to your part-time, and op also does what sounds like most if not all of the household and family related work? Her husband has been hiking on Friday, away for the weekend camping, and will return in the evening and then bugger off out for a fun activity?