Mumsnet seems brutal

[LL3]

Why are there so many mean and unsupportive replies on here to posts from people who are just looking for help? It feels like everyone just loves a pile on.

Yes a lot of nastiness for the sake of being nasty here, that I’ve never encountered on other parts of the internet! Also so much commenting for the sake of commenting which doesn’t help.

We now have ‘not in the spirit’ to report under. My advice is directly the first reply sets the tone, and usually that’s nasty, start reporting the posts.

Mumsnet is widely ridiculed in many circles though as well as being viewed as being a highly unpleasant forum that some people would actively choose to distance themselves from.

Oh yes. I am of course the problem. DARVO.

@MyCottageGardenyes I’ve been in dialogue with her trying to support her. The husband basically tried to blame her and said she was always tired and busy with their many children and he just wanted some fun (makes me so angry). He is now sort of trying to force her forgiveness by refusing to return to work until she does. They both come from a culture where men control the purse strings and can do what they want. It was as if the MN posters couldn’t get their head around that aspect, and sort of disbelieved her as a result.

We’re also forgetting the tactic they use of trying to do reputational damage to the poster by accusing them of being fake. That tactic has been widely used in online culture wars and has of course made its way onto discussion forums.

I think MN has changed in the last year plus, and I tend to stay away from the aibu topics as they invite controversy.

Many replies are curt, unhelpful and unsympathetic, almost as if to come across as kind just isn't cool.

Doesn't make for good reading, you learn nothing from it except that a lot of people like to be negative.

Of course there are usually a few replies that are more considerate and not just knee jerk responses to the posts directly above them.

The further down the posts you go, most posters haven't bothered reading the OP and it all devolves into a free-for-all of pile-ons.

I think that the first two or three responses can often set the tone for the rest of the thread. If the first few responses are having a go at the OP, that can result in a pile on. I think it can cause people who might have offered more constructive advice to stay away because they can't be bothered to get embroiled in an argument with strangers on the Internet. If the first two or three responses are helpful and constructive, I think the posters who just want to be mean are more likely to stay away.

Sometimes I think of a thread to start, then just don't bother because you know people are going to be pedantic and if you don't write the original post exactly right and covering everything, you'll just get loads of smart arses having a go. It just takes the pleasure out of interacting. I think that's why it's so boring here now as people are put off starting threads. The most innocuous thing can result in utter carnage.

God you’re so right. I’ll write something and unless it is formatted like a legal document and backed up with links it’s just not worth it.

I think that the kind generous and empathetic responses get lost and overlooked as boring. I have posted here for about 12 years and I noticed fairly early on that the short pithy, witty, or just plain " to the point" posts some of which were rude and snarky elicited responses from other posters. It seemed that some people used this as a way in to the conversation where they then were able to take up greater space. They don't mind how they divert attention as long as its on them.

That's it, isn't it? People being nasty for the sake of it. There's a fair few of those around here and, while it says more about them than anyone else, they should reflect on themselves.

I started a thread looking for advice a while back under a different username. I got a lot of helpful responses, some which started with “Kindly,” followed by “straight talking”. There were some good points which actually did make me think and so even though those posters made quite a few presumptions to fit their views on things, taken with a pinch of salt they were actually helpful. Then there were some who hadn’t actually read the thread properly at all or that just wanted to get a dig in. These were the minority and I just ignored them. Funny enough, I updated with something positive and thanking everyone and I didn’t get even one response.

I agree. I think describing rudeness and personal attacks as "robust debate" is very misleading.

Also noticed a few people playing "victim Olympics."

Definitey feels like the Cantina scene from Star Wars. There's always somebody tapping the new guy on the shoulder and saying "I don't like you" and then when they are ignored --- "My friend doesn't like you either."

However, I have also met some amazing people who have been lovely to chat to.

The thing about forums is that you can choose who you want to chat to. No-one is expected to talk to everyone. You can pick and choose who you listen to or interact with. If you don't like something that someone says, you can just move on to the next thread. Plenty of other stuff to read and plenty of other people to interact with.

You don't need to keep coming back again... and again... and AGAIN!

Always take a breath before posting!

I'm a guy. My wife says I'm nice.

You seem pretty pleasant, but my feelings are still that there are a lot of men posting for entertainment and getting their jollies by giving women a good kicking and then laughing about it on Reddit or similar.