Mumsnet seems brutal

[LL3]

Why are there so many mean and unsupportive replies on here to posts from people who are just looking for help? It feels like everyone just loves a pile on.

I think it’s a few things op. A lot of people struggle with ‘sugarcoating’ vs ‘telling it like it is’ and the fact there’s a massive gulf in between that you could settle in, it doesn’t have to be one or the other. I don’t think a lot of people have brilliant emotional intelligence and I think there’s also quite a lot of poor reading comprehension, or taking things quite literally, rather than seeing examples of behaviours or issues as part of a wider issue rather than the specific thing the op is asking for help with. For some reason a lot of people do take pride in being a bit brutal. I also think it’s anon and there’s a lot of stories that are the same which can desensitise posters and make it hard to think about a real person behind each post.
also people are unhappy with their own lives, I know myself my answers probably skew a bit kinder the happier I am. I try to be conscious of this but it’s easily done.

Because the reply in itself is also likewise. Using coarse language has its place. But used too often and too freely it sort of becomes just said for effect and any meaning in the post is lost.

I do agree and wish mumsnet would close a thread when it has been overtaken by two people clearly having a row or trying to be the one that has the last word.

What’s driving me mad is people giving awful advice because they only read the OP’s first post. You don’t have to read the whole thread I suppose but it helps to see all of the poster’s posts! Sometimes it can be 40 pages in and they only read the first post they miss so much context.

A vulnerable young person is just as likely to be harmed by bad advice wrapped in kindness as by blunt advice wrapped in rudeness.

Firstly, I'm not sure that's necessarily true. Secondly, it's a false dichotomy - it's possible to give blunt advice wrapped in kindness.

I agree that blunt advice can absolutely be delivered kindly. My point was simply that kindness isn't a reliable indicator that the advice itself is good.

I think vulnerable people are often taught to be wary of rude advice. They're much less often taught to be wary of bad advice that feels reassuring.

If you think 'dick' is the kind of serious coarse language that makes the thrust of the message impossible to take in, due to the shock of reading such a dreadful word on the screen, I'm not sure what to say to you.

'Dick' in this case is simply a succinct and accessible (and heavily contextual) way to say 'his behaviour is inappropriate/immature/selfish/cruel', with the exact meaning differing based on the surrounding context of the post - but it always means that he is Not Being Nice, and is In The Wrong.

Is it the most cultured way to communicate one's opinion? No.
Is it rude, abrasive, or meaningless? No.

And every week like clockwork we get a post like this one. Suggest you go back and read the many prior posts on the subject OP. This is adding nothing new to the conversation.

I agree actually. It’s always been ‘robust’ and honest, but now a lot of posters are vicious for no reason. I think a lot of people are very unhappy with their lives and they use MN as a tool to unleash that unhappiness and anger on others.

It’s horrible.

I posted a totally innocent picture of myself. Asked people to go “easy” as I felt confident.

I still got called fat, told the dress did nothing for me, and I should “dress for the body I have”

It’s a culture of bullying that was and is allowed to proliferate as there’s not much moderation. If you report an individual post it gets taken down as that’s easy. If you ask one of the moderators to read a thread to understand what’s going on you’re told they don’t have the time for that. If they receive a volume of reports about a thread then it will go poof, but otherwise pile ons are allowed and possibly even encouraged due to the clicks and advertising revenue they generate.

I've been on MN more than 20 years and IMO it shifted dramatically when AIBU became a topic in its own right. Journalists started reporting some of the biggest bunfights which drew in more posters who were just here for a fight. Then they moved into other topics and behaved the same way and it just became more acceptable to be nasty in general.

If I were to sum the bullies up on here it would be the nuns on Game of Thrones. They march you through forty pages of a thread demanding atonement for your posting sins. Most people leave but I’ve stuck around as I never give in to bullies, they’re the worst of the worst.

You were really brave to post a photo and invite comments to be honest.

Yes I completely agree with this. On the thread I was talking about where the OP had just experienced her Hs infidelity after 20 years of marriage, instead of sympathy and support posters just pushed and pushed for more details until she removed the thread for fear of being outed.
It’s hard to explain, but the aspects posters were disbelieving obviously indicated the OP and her H came from a more patriarchal country. It was mean, because from our position of privilege we should have helped that woman and not repeatedly asked for detail.

I can’t tell if that’s victim blaming or not?

It was on a style and beauty thread - supposedly the place you can go for advice on how to dress and flatter yourself. But I guess as a size 18, I don’t deserve that

You did nothing wrong. You hoped for kindness and recieved little. That’s on them not you.

If you only wanted compliments then posting on MN is definitely not the place.

I would never post a photo and invite comments, I am too much of a coward.

You aren’t allowed to block them. I campaigned for having a block button a good year or so ago, but there was push back as then the mean girls then wouldn’t be heard and they didn’t like it.

I 100% agree. You can reply without it being bitchy, condescending or down right bullying.

People's poor reading comprehension contributes to unnecessary nasty replies and threads being derailed.

It makes me irrationally angry and I have to take frequent breaks from mumsnet altogether. That's a me and menopause issue though 😂

I didn’t only want compliments. But I didn’t expect to be told I’m fat!

But why should it be a ‘brave’ thing to do to go on to a style and beauty thread and ask for opinions on an outfit? That’s like saying ‘if you put a photo up of yourself you should expect abuse’. Why?

As I said you were very brave. Posting on an anonymous forum with a photo and asking for comments seems to me to be asking for someone to post something mean.

Some people are mean and an anonymous forum gives them a perfect outlet. Sometimes it is just better not to give people the opportunity to be mean.

Because some people are horrid.

I see Mumsnet being discussed in different pockets of the internet. I follow a Facebook group where people talk about shoppping deals and discounts and there was a whole discussion on there laughing at some thread and talking about having to join Mumsnet to join in the kicking.