Mumsnet seems brutal

[LL3]

Why are there so many mean and unsupportive replies on here to posts from people who are just looking for help? It feels like everyone just loves a pile on.

You need to give some examples otherwise it sounds like you're randomly criticising everyone else on Mumsnet whilst elevating yourself.

It would be far different if usernames were real first and last names along with a photo of the person like Facebook. Point being anonymous threads a person can say what they like with no real life repercussions. I do feel a lot of users are insufferably bored with their lives that they get a kick out of posting unreasonable responses and arguing with others on a thread

Yet here you are, posting on it...

Always remember that MN is (very often) not reflective of real life. It’s easy for many posters to be far ruder on a forum than they ever would face to face with someone.

Strange to you, not strange to me.

I generally engage in political and current news stories. I get an awful lot of stick for not going along with the left-leaning hive group think but I think it’s really important that all viewpoints are heard. I have been accused of all sorts and that hugely pisses me off, but not enough to leave as I’m not weak.

Not trying to elevate myself in any way - I dont think I’m better than anyone on here I’m just commenting and think it’s interesting. If you want examples just explore the site it’s right there for all to see as you can gather from many of the responses to this thread.

It is brutal these days. It used to be snarky in limited areas but in the last five years or so that has spread to most of the popular boards with added nastiness. I’m even starting to see it in Style and Beauty, which was a haven of niceness (and mostly still is).
For all the reasons others have given - society is changing, people are changing, how many interact with others is changing, especially online.

However, you can still find that warmth and kindness on MN - you just don’t see it as often.

And it’s much much more humourless than it was. I joined 14 years ago and would regularly be crying silent tears of laughter reading threads on the train. I can’t remember the last time a thread made me laugh.

And yet I’m still here, I know 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

Some posters do get nasty, and unnecessarily so. I had someone say to me on here yesterday "I'm so glad I'm me and not you" while professing how kind and empathetic she was. Hmm..

Everything is less humorous I’ve noticed.l. I was looking back at staff WhatsApp groups from a few years back recently and we were all so happy and optimistic. Now the groups are all silent.

Yes but I don't agree with you so if you are going to make a case you need to give examples of what you mean. Otherwise it's a lazy post getting everyone else to do all the work.

No she doesn't!

Okay Owly. I’m not going to copy and paste posts but thank you for replying appreciate it.

She doesn’t have to do anything of the sort. Pop yourself back in your box.

Exactly, everyone has seen nasty replies or an OP pile on. And if you haven't either think yourself lucky or perhaps you're part of the (nasty) problem.

And there we go! You've just proved OPs point. There is a way of putting forward your opinion without belittling. You clearly haven't mastered it🙄

People project, people overinvest, people get triggered. If you need proper help a professional is better bet (still a bet though some of them are awful too). And when I say professional, it doesnt have to cost, there are services like Samaritans.

But post on an open anonymous chat forum and you are going to get the whole gamut of human behaviour and opinion, which is the rose and the thorn.

Agree with this. You can post a thread about the most innocuous subject and someone will always try to start a bun fight. just ignore and carry on. There’s so much to learn here.

That’s interesting, I have noticed the same about my WhatsApp groups but I just thought it was a time of life when WhatsApp was a big thing and people were sharing memes and gifs etc. things move on I guess. Covid played a big part in this. My friend WhatsApp groups from that time were highly entertaining.

WhatsApp is more a logistical thing now - arranging meet ups etc. rather than long conversations and banter. For me anyway. I quite miss it.

I agree with the OP. It can really nasty here. It is disingenuous and faux-naive to say otherwise.

Some posters just like to have a go, others have had an empthy bypass, others enjoy the sensations of superiority and/or self-righteous indignation.

Often the tone of the OP dicates if they get a kicking or not.

Here's an example. There were two different threads on the same matter: doing a job, with no actual work to do (zombie jobs, I guess).

The first one explained that they found it soul destroying and asked if others had been in the situation. All the replies were decent (all agreed that it was indeed horrible).

The second one complained that they were misled in the job interview and that they hated it, were isolated and had personal difficulties on top. The tone was much more "moaning".

The replies became a bit of pile on. The gist of the replies were "because I have a terribly stressful job, you should be grateful to be able to write a book/learn a language/do fitness classes on company time and money." About 4 pages of it!

There was a few months between these threads, iirc. Of course, there have been others but that is the clearest contrast I can think of.

My personal bugbear is in relationships: "get some self esteem", when someone's partner has turned out to be a dick. You lay yourself bare, are emotionally vulnerable and some random on the internet makes you feel even shitter because you lack of confidence. Very helpful.

Ha ha well I guess your reply provides some limited support for op's hypothesis 😂

I don't think choosing not to spend time somewhere you no longer enjoy is a sign of "weakness". It sounds more as though you find enough value in the discussions to outweigh the aspects you dislike.

I think framing as "weakness" is indicative of poor boundaries actually. If someone leaves here because they find it unpleasant it doesn't make them "weak" it makes them sensible and calling it weak is quite mean spirited in itself actually.

Also and this is the irony -on a thread about people being mean and unsupportive, describing people who leave unpleasant environments as "weak" is itself not especially charitable btw

I learned this the hard way about 9yrs back when Trump was first elected. I was already in my early 40s, so its not like it was the responsibility of my parents/school to educate me on online bullying. I guess at that point I just hadn't experienced it for myself and had never really been on forums like this before then so I genuinely didn't realize just how much of a Lion's den it could be. Naive, but there you go...

I absolutely got ripped apart by a load of maga/Trump supporters and received comments which actually left me depressed for weeks. I was so shocked at how nasty people could be...telling me to kill myself etc.....but it was a good lesson and ultimately made me stronger when deal with d!ckheads online. I'm armed and prepared now .....which is a shame as I wish we didn't have to be in this (often) cruel world......😔

Some people are angry and miserable, just like IRL probably moreso
online as nobody wants to talk to them
irl

I tend to agree with you OP…but I think that Mumsnet is a fair reflection of society as a whole. I’ve noticed a big change in the way that people relate to each other over the years (I’m mid-fifties) and it’s borne out here.

I’m particularly thankful that I had my children before the days of social media because I don’t think I’d have coped well with the polarised opinions on the only way to raise kids that I see here and in other places. Also the judgement and pronouncements of long term damage that parents do to their children by not letting them crayon on the walls or allowing cocopops for breakfast once in a while…(I exaggerate obviously but you get the drift..).

I think that for whatever reason, we are far less ‘live and let live’ now than we were twenty years ago. Maybe because the internet gives us a view into people’s homes and lives in a way we didn’t have before and also people can present themselves in a certain way that goes unchecked because a) we don’t know them and b) we likely don’t live near them and therefore see the reality of their lives. Add in the anonymity of things like Mumsnet and the natural tendency of humans to compare ourselves to others as a benchmark for how we’re doing and it’s a perfect cocktail for the things you outline.

I do comment on here fairly often and try to do so in a way that’s understanding and helpful but I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I also try to imagine what I’d say to that person if they were sitting in front of me which helps me to moderate my tone and reminds me to have empathy, again I don’t always get this right. It’s all too easy to ‘other’ and dehumanise people whose life circumstances and decisions are different to ours, largely to make ourselves feel better about our own lives but we really need to watch for this as it doesn’t improve society as far as I can see.

That’s awful! Did she reply? I hope she’s ok