Mumsnet seems brutal

[LL3]

Why are there so many mean and unsupportive replies on here to posts from people who are just looking for help? It feels like everyone just loves a pile on.

Yes, and a lot of those people frequent MN. Which kind of proves the point of the OP.

Holy victim blaming. This is why Mumsnet is the way it is

I not defending mean posts, I am saying you have to protect yourself from horrid comments if they are going to bother you.

It would definitely bother me if posters pulled my appearance to pieces so I would not give them the opportunity.

Honestly? I think a lot of what we read here is just what people really think but don’t say irl. And because it’s anonymous and people are gradually losing social skills and connection due to tech, they forget they are talking to real people with feelings, or don’t care.

That said, I like the general culture that rails against ‘women be nice’ messaging. A lot of women’s social niceties aren’t about actual empathy, we just have stronger social forces working on us than men do and there’s something refreshing about a bit of respite from that.

But it’s possible that poster is simply married to a dickhead, and sometimes it’s more helpful to point out that the problems all have the OP’s behaviour or poor choices as the common denominator.

The Internet is generally not a safe place for unsupervised vulnerable young people. MN is for adults. You cannot expect a bunch of strangers to be responsible for others mental health and wellbeing.

If you're feeling fragile, asking for opinions on the Internet is not the way to go. At some point people have to employ some common sense.

At best you're going to get judgement from randoms, quite rightly pointing out that your abusive husband is being a prick and questioning your choice to stay with him. At worst, you may get some predator attempting to groom/scam you while you're vulnerable.

Any site can have the word mum in the title. It could be run by a bunch of 50 something women who are just done with life and other people or it could be run by a paedophile ring, you just don't know. That's the web for you. You have to take personal responsibility and not put yourself in a position to be taken advantage of or harmed.

It's great entertainment and provides fascinating insights into people you'd never mix with in your everyday life. There's really nothing more to it.

Then a ‘vulnerable young person’ should not be seeking advice on a large, anonymous internet forum because they’re naive enough to think that it containing the word ‘Mum’ means all posters are sweet and infinitely concerned for his/her wellbeing. I mean, it’s not called ‘Adviceforthevulnerable.com’, it’s just a chat forum. People are talking about gardening, current events, neighbour disputes, pet ownership, selling houses, caring for elderly parents, the royal family etc.

“Bullying is refreshing because men aren’t here!!!”

cop on

Because for the most, MN is filled with deeply unhappy people, and when threads like these are started they fall over themselves in a rush to post the most condescending shit ever to put you in your place.

These threads are just dull as ditchwater. If you arrive on a forum and it doesn’t suit you for whatever reason, there is absolutely zero point in whining that it’s not nice enough to suit you, and everyone’s mean and nasty. Just leave again.

Right so its clearly not all bad then?

I just dont get all the posters saying how horrific it is on here and how they have to take breaks from it because its so awful/cruel but yet they keep coming back. It makes no sense.

If I went to a restaurant and the food was shit and awful, I wouldnt keep going back every single day and eating there.

I just find it strange people are constantly returning to something that they report brings them nothing but distress

I’m not sure that I agree it’s bullying. People speak to one another here in ways I wouldn’t, absolutely, but bullying is repeated and targeted at an individual. I don’t see one person going after another, I just see people expressing themselves harshly with little regard for others feelings. Which many men do as much as they like.

I think it's difficult because a lot of OPs really do come off as quite unreasonable, whilst themselves talking negatively about other people, and because you don't know them and they're just words on a screen it's easy to be much more blunt about it than you might in real life.

Yes, exactly. If someone is truly that vulnerable they shouldnt be seeking advice online unsupervised because someone vulnerable online is going to get chewed up and spat out no matter what site they are on- reddit, here, or anywhere online.

They could also be groomed by someone so shouldnt really be online without someone supervising them

I agree op.

I have been on here since at least 2009 and it has got much worse recently.

Has really changed the way I use the site as I now only start threads in specialist boards where I feel the response will be more measured.

Men are here though and lots of them posting under anonymous usernames.

And yet we know young people are on social media unfettered and so bullying people online and contributing to societies poor mental health might be something we should be doing less of.

You obviously haven’t been on a thread where a pack of posters are hounding the OP relentlessly across 40 pages.

I am not saying people should be bullying others. I never said that.

I am saying that you cannot control people's behaviour online but you can control your exposure to it.

Also, the idea that you can only be bullied online is not true- I was horrifically bullied at school to the point I was almost suicidal at one point and this was back in the 90s.

Again, I would ask- if mumsnet is so awful then why stay?

The whole point of Mumsnet is to be able to hear things you are not going to be told in real life. In real life, people use platitudes and surface support but then go and tell people behind your back what an idiot you are. In Mumsnet, someone is going to tell you you are unreasonable or an idiot - if you are being. And that might save you a great deal of grief down the line. Also, I see HUGE kindness and empathy and loveliness on here ALL the time. And there are also those posters who want to have their point validated and don't get it. Human nature is complicated and it's all here on this site. And I love these women who take the time to post their opinions - robust or otherwise!

You can control people’s behaviour online by moderating the site properly. And why am I here? Because I’ve been here 14 years and I won’t let bullies chase me away.

Absolutely this. Baby name threads are a great example. I think the point is them, that you get to find out yes, when many people hear Caspar, they think ‘friendly ghost’. And you get the opportunity to know what people really think. Some posters don’t like to hear what others really think.

I suspect I have as I’ve been here a long time, I just don’t view it the same way you do.

As far as I am aware you can report posts, no?

As for the "I wont let bullies chase me away" - you dont stay somewhere for 14 years if it's truly that bad so you must be getting something out of it here! Otherwise your decision seems very strange