Mumsnet seems brutal

[LL3]

Why are there so many mean and unsupportive replies on here to posts from people who are just looking for help? It feels like everyone just loves a pile on.

Yeah i’ve been here a while and there is being ‘robust’ ‘straight talking’ etc but some on here seem to want to be nasty on posts just for the sake of it. Under the guise of being blunt or saying it how it is because ‘that’s mumsnet’.

I’ve been around a good while. It’s always had a reputation for being ‘robust’ but it has changed. I see more and more people who don’t have anything valuable to contribute but just clearly love a fight. It’s not just AIBU anymore, the most innocuous subject will attract the ire of some obnoxious arse. And the standard of reading comprehension is dire these days.

Because most of us were losers in high school and now we get to live out our meal girl fantasy. All from the anonymous comfort of our own home.

On just about every forum there will be a few who do just enjoy having a nasty little, safe, anonymous go at other people. You just have to ignore, shrug it off, or block them.

Unfortunately anyone baring their soul on a public message board that anyone in the world can access must accept that all replies will not necessarily be of a supporting or informative nature.
Sorry if I’ve spent ‘baring’ wrong…I’ll await the pile on from the spelling police!

I mostly take it with a large pinch of salt too. Not everything posted is even true anyway.

I like seeing the entertaining bollocks that some people post.

It's worth remembering that everyone thinks they're the reasonable one. The people writing the "mean" replies usually believe they're being honest, practical or giving tough love.

With regards to this: But what if I’m a vulnerable young person who doesn’t know that? Doesn’t know to ignore trolls or bad advice?

A vulnerable young person is just as likely to be harmed by bad advice wrapped in kindness as by blunt advice wrapped in rudeness.

You have to love people enough to tell them the truth.

There are some lovely thoughtful people on here but I have to agree that some seem to have no interest in the distressed human being who has turned to mumsnet for help.

It feels like some people just enjoy voicing their opinion. I notice this particularly when there are threads which go on for pages but the OP has only engaged once or twice.

Or there are people who want more and more details, when the poor op is trying to stay anonymous.

I've been here donkeys years. I think it's got worse but then I think society has got worse. The internet has had a profound influence on people. People are angrier and then have opinions shoved at them by algorithms that echo theirs and so it goes on.

Can't remember where I learned it now, but certainly algorithms push content that makes us angry because it is more profitable.

I think there's been a rise in nastiness on MN due to the active threads. People treat everything like AIBU. I hate the posts that say stuff like "ohhh I am embarrassed for you". It's horrible bullying behaviour and I'm seeing it a lot now.

I don't think MN is like it used to be. It is in places but there a loads more users now.

Crisply put, Peaky. 🫡
I’ve been on MN for 13 years and am so grateful for the advice and kindness and brilliant hacks I’ve received from some wonderful women. The nest of vipers can be warm and cosy as well as hissy and fangy!

On Mumsnet, as with everywhere and everything, what you shine the spotlight of your attention on, is what you’ll find. There are so often posts on here that have me sobbing, as the Mumsnet aunties surround a sick or bereaved poster with love and support.

I might start a thread sometime for people to post the threads that most warmed their heart. ❤️

Anyway, OP, I hereby wish you a lovely Saturday, and hope that Mumsnet starts to feel more like home if you choose to stay. ☺️🍰 ☕️

MN is the most fantastic resource for seeking advice-lots of humor and tact.
Have been on here for 20 years and it is much better now. There was s clique of mean girls around then who used to pile in on in support of a particularly spiteful queen bee who ironically left in a huff when she was given a taste of her own medicine.

I think if someone’s husband is acting like a dick, why not call him one. MN is in fact incredibly tame compared to the likes of for instance reddit. But I have been here for almost 24 years and there are more responses that don’t contribute they just prop up the mean girl vibe so I’m not disagreeing with you exactly but I am surprised you expect anything else. DH and I were very much early users of the internet as we had access at work, he did in 1989 and I did 1993. Part of me adores it but overall it’s probably done more harm than good so maybe if I could wave a wand and make it go away I would.

A deep dive 🤣 why did you feel it necessary to do that? I suggest you go outside and “touch grass” as the young ‘uns say. Get some fresh air OP and stop policing what women say on the internet!

The thing with the internet is that you cannot see the person. And when we communicate face to face there is a lot that we glean by simply looking and listening to them. On here it is simply words written down. And so really a terrible way of communicating. Because you miss so much of the picture.
Which for some souls on here really seeking help can be awful, and possibly even harmful, if all they get is a lot of pain in replies. And I suspect if we could see the person some of the more brutal replies would never happen.
Mumsnet monitors but it is a bit inconsistent. And standards waver toward the very liberal. Sometimes they get it wrong. I have reported posts that I think are inappropriate, potentially illegal, or muddy the waters for an investigation ongoing. And just plain offensive. We should all do that. Standards are the way that improves behaviour from others. If some posters see that certain posts are taken down or removed they begin to learn they cannot talk to people in that way.
In terms of replies add in people who are 12 and bored, people from overseas seeking to promote and influence mindset; a political view of how life should be lived, and you have a problem.
There will be those who are purely antagonistic. Because there is something the matter with their world. Where they continue to chase you around the whole site on posts you make, prodding for a reaction. Spoiling for a fight. Ignoring is best with those.
The only way that posts and the site improve is with well kept standards being applied.

“Just being honest but my husband never did that and yours sounds like a dick

But why is that wrong to say? some people have posted the most awful dickish behaviour of their husbands -if its factual then its not rude.

In fact, I have seen quite a few posters literally say "thank you all for being honest, I couldn't see it before but you're right, I DO deserve better" - they wouldnt have come to that conclusion from getting fed a series of saccharine platitudes or generic fluffy internet hugs.

You can give an honest reply without swearing, without being coarse, without making the OP sound inadequate. It is possible. An honest reply need not be fluffy. But nor does it have to try to be ‘clever’ and snarky.

I dont think saying your husband sounds like a dick is rude or snarky or clever. Sometimes it's true- also bear in mind that not everyone expresses themselves in the exact same way. Not everyone sounds like the queen when they talk and thats ok

PS. I should have added, there is something about, ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’ and lighting a candle instead of cursing the darkness.
We can’t influence whole threads on here, but we can post something compassionate and supportive to a Mumsnetter in distress. In terms of feeling a bit better about it all, I do recommend doing this if you haven’t already. You are a Mumsnetter too, now you’ve posted. 😊 We can only do what we can, in as far as it depends on each of us. Your contribution matters, and you can be part of making it feel better. ⛑️ ❤️

Too many people on MN love to put the boot in, but disguise it as 'saying the truth' or 'being robust' etc. It's not, it's just spiteful mean girl behaviour and I don't imagine they would behave like that in their real lives.

I don't think you do much about people being mean. But you can think about your own posting behaviour. One thing I used to get drawn into a lot was taking issue with what other posters said and actually derailing the thread a bit for the OP myself. Now if there's a pile on that I can see isn't going to help the OP, I might just post once directly addressing the OP (if they're obviously fairly new) telling them how they can hide the thread. Often there are great responses and helpful comments early on, and then it just devolves into a bun fight. You can't stop a bun fight but you can sympathise with the host and let them know how to improve their experience.

I do feel sorry for OPs who obviously are feeling really battered by the onslaught and post trying to defend themselves. (A hopeless endeavour because it's rarely about the OP in reality)

You can spot responses that are just projection quite easily. When a reply says something like "this is me" "you are me" or "this happened to me" and then goes on to emote about a barely related situation, then you can discard that response. It's not about you! I mean, almost all of it is not about you, because it's a pseudonymous forum and nobody knows you. They can only respond to the tiny sliver of words you've put out into the world for engagement, which is almost nothing of you, really.

This is a longwinded way of saying don't take it personally. But really, how could you take it personally, if you think about it. It would be actually a bit mad to do this given the context.

This is a genuine question rather than a challenge: if people feel the site is consistently cruel, unsupportive and full of bad faith posters, what keeps you coming back?

There must be something valuable about it too, otherwise I can't imagine many people would stick around for years- that wouldnt be very sensible behaviour to continually log on to a place you find awful and cruel right?

I agree with this. I've been here a long time and it used to be more respectful and measured. Read any old thread and the tone is totally different.

The worst is where posters will take a tiny detail and create a massive issue around that one thing and re-write the history and situation of the OP. This leads to the OP repeatedly having to say, 'that is not true' or 'that is not the issue I'm posting about' and it becomes a riot where nothing is achieved apart from MNetters with experience of the particular situation just don't bother to post.

Unless I am feeling really well, I can't engage on the forums and that defeats the object of it being for support. Other posters have said this too.

There is massive bitterness out there that prior, either simply didn't exist or it didn't make it onto the boards for whatever reason.

I used to love MN for the intelligence and humour but that has been replaced by unpleasantness a lot of days.

For those that say this is not true. It's likely they have never been on the receiving end.

"Just being honest but my husband never did that and yours sounds like a dick”

I'm not sure what's wrong with this? It's very blunt and not exactly well-stated, but it makes the point that the problematic DH in question is not behaving in an acceptable or normal manner in the poster's experience, with the implication that the OP shouldn't put up with it. It's validating that there's something wrong with the DH's behaviour. Isn't that useful?

Welcome to the world. MN just reflects what's out there.