Should I have my colleague’s four-year-old twins for an overnight stay?

[RoseMember]

My friend (and co-worker) recently asked me if I’d be able to have her twin girls over night whilst she is at a wedding. They are 4 and currently in nursery/pre-school. Their parents have split and their father is sadly not very involved, has them when he feels like it, cancels a lot and most recently cancelled when he said he’d have them whilst she was on a girls trip away so she had to cancel her trip. She doesn’t have any close family/friends. We aren’t massively close but we do chat everyday, have lunch everyday at work and meet up occasionally outside of work.

Realistically it doesn’t sound like I’d struggle. I’d collect them from nursery after work which is a 3 minute drive from the office, go home and play/bath/bed. They have dinner at nursery.

My main concern is that the following day I am working from home (only a half day) and am not really sure how they’d do with that. It’s a Friday and I only have one meeting which I think will be cancelled anyway as the person who hosts it will also be at the wedding.

I haven’t said yes or no yet, just that I would have a think about it.

They are lovely girls and very bright, I have met them a few times and they know who I am so that isn’t a concern, but I don’t (yet) have any children of my own so am a bit dubious of saying yes.

anyone have any thoughts/advice? I’m trying not to let myself just say yes so she doesn’t miss the wedding.

I have twins - they will be fine, don’t worry. I can work flexibly too. I think it’s lovely what you are doing for your friend. They entertain each other to sleep , and put on some tv the next day, they will be fine - don’t worry ! :)

Actually, mine will listen more to other people they know ! A full day at nursery will tire them out anyway

OP - it will probably be fine. Saying yes will mean a bit of disruption for you but the world to her.

I second the advice to stay there - it's easier for them to settle surrounded by their stuff. If you've done your work for the week and simply need to be 'on call' then there is less pressure. Though in my experience nurseries were often very good at accommodating an extra day, so you could suggest she looks into this. (It may simply be that the costs are just too much for her.)

One day you will need support, maybe not from this colleague, and it might be for a completely different situation. But in my own life I tend to hear 'I wish I'd known, I wish you'd asked' far more from people who would have been happy to help than 'I'm afraid that that doesn't work for me' from people who wouldn't.

Your colleague is being a good role model in showing you how to ask for help when you need it (as well as asking in such a way that it gives you permission to say no - which is the right way to do it). None of us can be entirely self-sufficient; that holds people to far too high a standard.

I do feel sorry for people who don't have a network of others who understand the rules of mutual support. It's enriching in all sorts of ways as well as making life easier. You don't need to become best buddies, or perform huge gratitude, or keep careful score. It's just an addendum to the friendship - that very occasionally, when it's important, you will feel able to ask an unusual favour; and in return, they will feel able to ask one of you.

I’d do it if I were you….. I don’t get what’s wrong with so many posters - yes it will be a little bit of work, but parents do it every day 🤷‍♀️ People are so so afraid of being inconvenienced.

Id request they go to the nursery on the Friday though and the suggestion of babysitting at their own home is a good one if yhe mums ok wth that - they’ll be in their own beds and at home. Then it’s really 12-15 hours of childcare, most of which they’ll be asleep!

It must be very tough for her with twins completely solo, I’m sure she’ll be grateful given it’s a wedding!

Beautiful post and yes, mutual support should be one of the guiding frameworks for living. Who are we if we can't help people out when needed and in turn ask for help when we need it? You said what I wanted to say but so much better!

4yo is too young to stay overnight with anyone who isn’t a regular part of their everyday lives. I think you colleague needs to rethink her plans.

I'm not sure you can work whilst you have 2 young children in your home. Would work be happy for you to catch up, the time versus have to use your annual leave? If you need to use annual leave, your colleague ideally should fund that.

You do need to think long and hard about it though esp given you're not really that close...

Thank you @theleafandnotthetree - I guess some people are very fortunate and think they don't need help, perhaps if they have a very strong family close by. But most of us will be vulnerable at some point - it's life.

I was very struck by a below-the-line comment in the Guardian years ago, in a feature about maternity leave. The commenter said it was just so unfair that his daughter, in her mid-20s, had to cover for working parents. I did wonder why the commenter couldn't see that within the next 5 to 10 years his daughter would very likely need the same consideration.

It wouldn’t bother me at all. In Reception we have 30 to look after!

Nope. That’s way too much to ask of a work colleague, even if you are friendly.

Really kind of you to consider helping her with this.
I think it would be ok, they’ll be tired from nursery so it’s probably a maximum of 3 hours that evening. Then if she can book them in at nursery the day after so you can work as normal, that would seem easier than you having them for a longer stretch.
Do what you can, but don’t feel bad saying no if it is too much - I know for me it would be too much to do the second day. So she either comes back for after breakfast time or books them into nursery.
Hope she is very grateful to you for having them over night. You might even enjoy it, if they’re sweet kids.

That's a massive ask really.
I'd probably do it.

But I'd be very aware that if it goes well, she'll be asking me to do more.

It would be a very kind thing for you to do, and it sounds like you are up for it, but what would you do if they just cried and wanted their mum? Could/would she come back from the wedding?

Ye I would do it for a night even two but I don't have a problem working and 3 under 5s trotting about quite often have my cousin's while she's at the office aswell..as a one off I would and our 3 yr twins will literally stay with anyone as long as they have there cosy blankets and teddies for bed

I can't imagine any scenario where I'd agree to this.

Yes I’d do this. At her house. And she’s back by 10 at the latest.

I will suggest if you do this then you stay at your colleagues house so the children have everything familiar to them.

I wouldn’t do it for someone that’s just a work colleague and children I wasn’t close to. They might be upset at bed time without their mum and might not sleep well, then I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle of the next day whilst trying to work. I also wouldn’t want to become default babysitter in future to someone that’s is just a colleague. I can’t imagine leaving my children with a work colleague I wasn’t particularly close to and that my children had only met a few times, even for a few hours, never mind overnight.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of saying yes to this before I had children of my own, mostly because I wouldn’t have had a clue what I was doing. Then once I had children of my own, I still don’t know if I would have said yes because then I would have fully understood what a huge undertaking it was! I would do it for family in an emergency, but I don’t think I would do it for a colleague, no matter how much I suddenly realised we were better friends than I thought😅 I wonder how the twins themselves will feel about it. Neither of my DC would have coped well in that situation. It’s certainly a consideration when it comes to the sort of problems you could encounter. I agree with pp that it would be much better to stay at their house if you decide to do it.

I think you are a lovely person to even consider this. And it sounds like you have a lovely office environment and a supportive team who by the sounds of it help each other and your manager is ok with this.

Originally I thought no way, but it sounds like you want to help.

Have they stayed overnight with anyone? That would influence whether it would be at your place or hers. I would probably say do it at hers and then go home

But by helping I think you will get a lot of appreciation from your work. And this does help. And you want to help

You are very lovely

its one night helping a friend, I’d do it no problem. They are 4 that’s an easy age to entertain.

With your update I’d simply stop overthinking it and say yes.

The meeting will be cancelled anyway and your boss isn’t bothered

PPs have said it already - grab your laptop and go their place. It’ll be all good.

I did not. Immigrant to this country with a baby and four year old.

The hard bit of this will be getting them up, dressed, fed and to nursery for the latest start time on the Friday morning and yourself fed and to work. You'll need to know when is the latest they can arrive at nursery and ideally some flexibility from work re when you start.

You might have sad children missing their mum Thursday evening but there are no deadlines and you'll have tools like a warm bath / milk / exciting film / fun stories / cuddles to soothe them.

Some 4 year olds still need help wiping after a poo.

Be prepared for them wanting an evening snack as nursery dinner may be tea with their main meal at lunchtime.

If your colleague wants to phone /video call her children arrange for this to not be as you're trying to put them to bed - go for earlier in the evening.

Evening baths / showers are likely to be easier than doing that in the morning but unless they're muddy / covered in paint / crayon from nursery it's not necessary for one night. Paint / crayon / mud will come off with a face cloth and soap so doesn't have to be a bath/ shower.

If they squabble in the car you may have to confiscate things they could throw at each other.

The better you know the kids the easier this will be.