Should I have my colleague’s four-year-old twins for an overnight stay?

[RoseMember]

My friend (and co-worker) recently asked me if I’d be able to have her twin girls over night whilst she is at a wedding. They are 4 and currently in nursery/pre-school. Their parents have split and their father is sadly not very involved, has them when he feels like it, cancels a lot and most recently cancelled when he said he’d have them whilst she was on a girls trip away so she had to cancel her trip. She doesn’t have any close family/friends. We aren’t massively close but we do chat everyday, have lunch everyday at work and meet up occasionally outside of work.

Realistically it doesn’t sound like I’d struggle. I’d collect them from nursery after work which is a 3 minute drive from the office, go home and play/bath/bed. They have dinner at nursery.

My main concern is that the following day I am working from home (only a half day) and am not really sure how they’d do with that. It’s a Friday and I only have one meeting which I think will be cancelled anyway as the person who hosts it will also be at the wedding.

I haven’t said yes or no yet, just that I would have a think about it.

They are lovely girls and very bright, I have met them a few times and they know who I am so that isn’t a concern, but I don’t (yet) have any children of my own so am a bit dubious of saying yes.

anyone have any thoughts/advice? I’m trying not to let myself just say yes so she doesn’t miss the wedding.

I think you should say you're WFH the second day so will need a babysitter to be there. She should organise this and pay for it. That's only fair as you can't both care for 4 yo twins and work.

This is a good idea!

Personally, I’d have said no. I wouldn’t have needed to think about it.

Not that it would inconvenience me in anyway. I’d be more concerned for the twins wellbeing.

Two 4yo’s who spend (likely) 99% of their time with their mum, to then stay overnight at a strangers house. I’m sure they will be incredibly upset, unsettled and confused. It will be horrible for them.

It’s a massive shame for your friend that her ex is a selfish wanker and that she has no family/help, but that isn’t your problem to solve.

Sadly either the bride needs to accommodate children or your friend needs to decline her wedding invite.

Kind of depends why you're not invited too. I wouldn't enjoy being the handmaiden who stayed at home to look after the children because everyone else was out at a wedding I wasn't invited to. It sounds like very hard work for the pleasure of being left out. Just the kind of thing I would have done in my 20s but no way these days.

If there's a perfectly good reason for yourx lack of invitation I might do it but I would want to know what the repaying favour was!

Can’t you watch them at their house, with their home comforts? And your friend come home after the wedding?

Presumably the wedding is within a reasonable travel distance if many of your colleagues are attending?

You've said she has no one else and that the children are lovely. She obviously trusts you so as a one off I would do it to help her out. You will probably even enjoy it

I think it would be fine if it wasn’t for the Friday. You can’t look after them whilst you are working - has she asked if they can go to nursery that day? Or can she get back in time to collect them before you need to work?

I think after reading your updates it would be okay. You could try having them for a few hours before hand to check how you’d cope with them?

Is there anyone who can help you?

not sure i could handle 2 x 4 year olds

I wouldn't look after kids that age unless they were family or close friends.

Don't think it's appropriate for a near stranger to be helping them bath or helping when they go to the loo etc.

Hard with kids so young if you don’t know eacb
other well. It might be easier if you stayed at their house with them.

Thanks all for the replies. I’m not attending the wedding as I’m not friends with the bride, she was in our team before but moved department before I joined and as such we aren’t friends.

I have looked after my own nieces since they were infants and several of my friends have children and I’ve have them quite frequently. Regarding spending time with the twins I have been on several walks, park trips, shopping trips and been to their house a lot. (More than I realised I had)

the more I thought about this, the more I realised we are actually closer friends than I originally thought.

I did and do think WFH with them would be challenging but now thinking that perhaps I could drop them at nursery if she is able to book them in and then I could just go to the office, do my work and then go and collect them to go to hers/meet her there with the car seats.

OR she could come to mine after the wedding and then they could all go home together the next morning.

OR I could pick them up and then go to hers, settle them and go home when she gets in, I’m just unsure what time she’ll be home. She doesn’t have enough room for me to stay sadly.

OR if she is able to pick them up early enough the next day, I can just WFH. We have flexible hours so I don’t have to start/finish by a certain time.

I completely understand people that have their reservations, sadly she hasn’t had the best few years and we’ve become rather close in the last year and I would just love to help her out if I can somehow!

You may find this is the thin end of the wedge if you agree.

I would probably do it but I would see if you could sleep at her house for the night as it will be easier if they are in their own surroundings

I'd do maybe a park trip with their mum to see what they're like. Do they behave for her? Are they running off in different directions? Are they happy to play and laugh with you?

I'd say yes if that went well.

4yos could probably watch a film happily for an hour or so if you had a meeting. Make sure they've had a run around, food and drink first obvs. But you'd struggle to do a proper days work.

I’d be nervous you’d become her default babysitter if it goes well. A one off kind offer could turn into a tricky situation if she sees it went okay and needa future babysitting.

It wouldn't be fair for the children to stay at yours, they would need to be in their own home and defintley have a test run to see how they feel about you and you them.

Do they need toilet help? Do they wet the bed? How quickly could she get back if they wake and want mum and get upset?

There is lots to consider.

Oh, if you have the option to have them at her house do that! Bedtime will be much easier, normal surroundings are far less exciting!

I think you have suggested several things that could work, so hopefully she will go for one of them and you can make it work. It’s nice you’re wanting to help her and that she has you as a friend.

Just no. No. Her children are not your responsibility. Speaking as a mother of similar aged children who would never dream of asking this of someone.

He’s clearly not going to, is he?

And it’s not at all accurate to describe a single mother arranging a night and day of childcare so she can attend a wedding ‘dumping’ them. In fact, it’s just a horrible thing to say.

I think it's a lovely thing to do, but I would ask to have them in their own home. If she is away overnight she should offer you her room.

I personally wouldn’t but I’m not very confident with those ages so I wouldn’t risk it.

Maybe suggest looking after them for a few hours before committing?
That way you will be able to gauge whether you feel comfortable being in sole charge of two 4yr olds!
Most children would see it as a novelty and a really exciting event so I doubt they would be any trouble but best to test the waters before going live!!!

Do they know you? Bedtime could be tough, we once had my niece stay over and at bed time she asked to go home and see her mum.