Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

Do you not get any cards/presents/whatever from anybody else? If so what does he say when he sees you’ve put birthday cards up from other people? Or do you just chuck them straight in the bin? I also do agree that purposely not mentioning your birthday at all, prior to, simply to see if he remembers is playing games, as pp have mentioned. Do you have kids? I can’t recall if I’ve seen that in your posts anywhere?
if you weren’t intent on playing games then a few weeks ahead tell him straight that it’ll be your birthday “soon” (don’t give him the date/timescale) and that you just want a card and nothing else and then see if he remembers. He might just be fed up of you not appearing to appreciate when he does remember, especially as you clearly don’t like birthdays and he’s picked up on that. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn’t. Either way, it’s a little childish - and, yes, a bit martyry - to not even mention it to him afterwards seeing as it clearly bothers you more than you’re saying it does. Just have an adult conversation about it ffs.

There are a lot of questions you aren't answering, OP.

Did you literally not receive cards from any family and friends at all? Yes I did. And some flowers too.

Do you never plan to have a nice birthday lunch with friends? Sometimes. But not always. Not this year although it was offered.

Do you have no shared wall calendar in the house? No.

Because to me, those things speak to something else going on in your life. The something would just the getting older. By the time you've had as many birthdays as I have, it just all seems a bit... meh. Which is why a happy birthday and a hug/card etc is enough.

Do you want to be with this man? Because I don't think this is about your birthday. Yes, or he wouldn't be my partner. Although we are definitely a long way past the loves young dream stage. But again, that is a life stage.

I think the disconnect of understanding in this thread is between that think birthdays are worth celebrating in an overt way and those who more or less think they just mark the passing of time.

I'm mostly in the latter category. But I do like to feel cared about, so a Happy Birthday and a hug or a card is fine. If he gave a gift, or took me out for a meal, or provided a cake I'd be grateful and happy. But he absolutely doesn't need to. And I am definitely not upset that he didn't do those things. That is not to say those that like to be feted are wrong. Each to their own.

So what did he say when he saw the cards and flowers?

Or did you hide them?!

Maybe you just need to communicate explicitly what you want.
You don't want a celebration but you do want a low key acknowledgement.
But the most important thing for you is that you don't want to have to mention your birthday at all.
Ask him now to set himself a reminder for next year.

We don't live together, and we were out for something else yesterday so he didn't come to mine. It wasn't avoidance, it was just that when we planned Sunday's thing, due to me not putting a lot of store on my birthday, I hadn't even realised that it was on Sunday.

Edited as realise you don't live together. OP, in your shoes I would have to mention it but I understand why you don't feel like your should have to.

exactly - Let's get a chinese on saturday. Or I'm going to book that Italian restaurant.

It is my Dad's birthday on Friday and my Mum phoned me yesterday to see if we could go out for lunch. Not a big, deal, going on about it or a big fuss, just some communication to arrange a meal out or similar.
To me that is pretty normal.

But I do agree that it is shit that he has forgotten again, and yes it shows basic selfishness on his part

So you had arranged something for the day, but you didn't say "Oh of course, that's my birthday!"

If I was your partner, I would just assume that birthdays are not remotely your 'thing'? And maybe you don't want to mark it at all?

If your communication is this bad, and you don't live together, it seems like quite a loose arrangement?

He got insulted when she did nothing for his birthday and she has told him previously that she wants some acknowledgment.

She planned a party for him one year.

He shouldn’t have it both ways - upset if she does nothing but indifferent when it’s her birthday.

OP you must leave the card/s up in your house so he sees them next time he’s round.

Honestly with phone reminders, there’s no excuse to forget birthdays. Given he upset you in the past by forgetting, a sensible people who cared about not upsetting you again would add it immediately to his calendar.

People like your DO can manage to hold down jobs and remember things that matter to them. It’s a choice to ignore your birthday for multiple years. (Particularly as birthdays do matter to him to the extent he gets upset if his is not celebrated.)

Didn’t you chat and catch up when you saw him and say ‘I had some lovely flowers from a friend today for my birthday’.

I really don't understand why OP is getting quizzed for not coming out with PA statements like this. He knows when her birthday is because he's managed to acknowledge it at least twice in the last five years. He can write it into his digital calendar as a recurring appointment, or however else he remembers other important things. He's a functioning adult.

Then why avoid mentioning her birthday when she’s peeved AND it would be very normal conversation to mention getting flowers. It’s not passive aggressive to mention something nice that’s happened to you that day when you see your partner, it’s just normal catch up conversation.

Personally I don’t see how it didn’t come up in conversation prior to her birthday, but if not, I’d have just said ‘you forgot my birthday you selfish fucker. You’ve done it before and I’ve explained that I don’t need a fuss, but a card and a happy birthday is expected.’

I would have done but he launched into his litany of health issues, problems and general moaning (old man-itis) that by the end I'd lost the will to live myself!!! 😂😂😂

Sounds like he selfish about lots of things then? It’s all about him. Are you sure you want to be with him? You could be ‘MerryMrsMopp’ without him. 😉

I think I'd have started humming Happy Birthday to myself while he was having his moan 🙄

As the opportunity has passed, I think I would leave the b'day cards up until he's next round. Or mention that your birthday flowers from XX are still going strong.

It's really quite rude of him not to bother (again) acknowledging your birthday at all, especially when he's said it bothers hime when you did the same to him but it sounds like he's the centre of his own world and you are his audience!

His forgetting bothers me because it shows a lack of care for me. Not his not doing anything. I don't care that he hasn't done anything.

So then you did want something. More than just an acknowledgement. You keep contradicting yourself. Make it make sense.

Why so horrible with the "make it make sense"?

OP wanted more than sweet FA. Not her partner forgetting entirely - despite them meeting on the day itself - and saying nothing.

Sounds like he could have bought her a birthday beer or flapjack at whatever event they were doing and that would have been fine.

She isn't here stropping cos she got a card but no flowers is what she means. He literally forgot.

Why so horrible with the "make it make sense"?

OP wanted more than sweet FA. Not her partner forgetting entirely

Because she contradicts herself and it doesn't make sense. 🙄

His forgetting bothers me because it shows a lack of care for me. Not his not doing anything. I don't care that he hasn't done anything.

Then what does she want? She says she doesn't care that he hasn't done anything.

Then what does she want? She says she doesn't care that he hasn't done anything.

Once more, for the cheap seats...

She wants him to actually remember her birthday.

Ok, as long as you're not fussed.
A bit about getting older I agree but my partner's 60, we still bother. It's nice to make an effort and celebrate a loved one.

Do you not understand? She wants him to have cared enough about her to remember her birthday. It’s not about the thing the would then get for it, but it’s the thought she needs. The “being worth remembering”, particularly as he considers his own birthday to be an important thing to be remembered and celebrated. (And celebrated could just be saying happy birthday, getting something small, suggesting a meal out on a different day when they aren’t busy.)

It is literally the thought that counts not the stuff to the OP. She’s upset at the lack of thought from a man who considers birthdays important things to mark.

I agree, he sounds awful. Why would anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn’t remember your birthday, doesn’t ask how you are and simply launches into a moan about their problems. Of course, we should be able to offload to a loved one, to a certain extent. But sounds like he needs a therapist, rather than a romantic partner.

[Those] that think birthdays are worth celebrating in an overt way and those who more or less think they just mark the passing of time. I'm mostly in the latter category. But I do like to feel cared about, so a Happy Birthday and a hug or a card is fine. If he gave a gift, or took me out for a meal, or provided a cake I'd be grateful and happy. But he absolutely doesn't need to.

OP, I hope you don’t mind me saying you seem to have very low expectations of a relationship. Being an older man is no excuse to be inconsiderate. I’m older and have older men in my life (some as old as 80s). Most men (and women) I know view a loved one’s (family, friend or romantic partner’s) birthday as a time to show them how loved, valued, appreciated and cared for they are. It’s also an excuse to do something special to make memories together: a weekend away or day/evening out. I’ve learned that from losing so many loved ones (some young and sudden): I want to have happy times with them before it’s too late. And it’s so important to enjoy life and have fun, however challenging it is.

Why choose to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to do that? How does he make your life better compared to if you were single and spent time with friends (or even alone) instead?

Good god, I asked her ...

So if he'd just wished you a 'Happy Birthday' on the day of your birthday would you have been satisfied with the acknowledgement as it showed he'd remembered?

She said ...

His forgetting bothers me because it shows a lack of care for me. Not his not doing anything. I don't care that he hasn't done anything.

Sounds like she would be satisfied with just an acknowledgement, right?

But then she says ...

Yes, probably. Because he'd have said, I'll cook you dinner to make up for it, or something similar. Which would have been nice.

So ... she wants something. Not the nothing she suggested earlier.

I cannot keep saying this, so for the very last time…

She wants him not to forget her birthday.

He didn’t even say happy birthday. She isn’t on here saying he got her a card but not a present, or a card and present but didn’t cook her dinner.

What she would have wanted above and beyond a happy birthday is beside the point when he failed to even say those two words.

I will leave it there.