Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

Best post for some time.

I do think it’s weird not to mention it at all in the lead up. We don’t go crazy on our birthdays at all but usually look to get a babysitter so we could go out for a nice meal together or something and I might suggest a restaurant I’d like to go so we’d have to book it in advance.

Also did you not get cards/gifts from family members that he would have seen arrive and be put out? Do you have a paper calendar that you write birthdays on? Or do you both not use Facebook so he would have seen the alert for your birthday come up on that?

That’s not what people are saying. They are saying they naturally mention birthdays in conversations with partners and make plans together. No one is saying they ‘go on about it’.

It does sound like your hurt because you find your partner selfish so I’d probably go chat to him about it rather than being snippy to other posters.

Also did you not get cards/gifts from family members that he would have seen arrive and be put out? Do you have a paper calendar that you write birthdays on? Or do you both not use Facebook so he would have seen the alert for your birthday come up on that?

DH isn’t bothered about birthdays and would be happy not to get cards and presents. He still knows when my birthday is though and gets me something.

Not because he’s prompted by any of the above - I save cards to open on the day, we don’t have a paper calendar for birthdays, he isn’t on FB - but because he isn’t a thoughtless twat.

People forget things because they are now so used to constant phone reminders that the art of actually remembering something just because it's important has been lost.

So, if you've forgotten to put a key date in your phone it doesn't exist. And people don't put dates of close friends/family in their phone because they'll assume they will remember, and have forgotten (lol) that they are really bad at remembering things these days without reminders.

I would absolutely "forget" his birthday! I agree with you, OP, it's the lack of care. It screams selfishness and thoughtlessness on his part.

Have you put cards up from other friends/family? Has he noticed them, said anything?

All the adults I know celebrate their birthdays.

Why would you even consider accepting this low bar?? It’s pathetic for a grown man to not even acknowledge his partners birthday. There is no excuse in the world. He’s a selfish pig.

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I think no one wants to be ignored. But some people aren't comfortable with a big fuss. A card and a hug would be nice.

Happy birthday. Remembering your birthday is a low bar and something I would expect as standard. The fact he can't, and it's not even a one off tells you everything you need to know. Do yourself a favour and demand better. I don't think you get it from him but I am sure there will be many men out there who would not only remember but spoil you.

I think whatever anyone else does is fine. My weird comment was in response to that particular poster calling my non-focus on the importance of my birthday weird.

For what it's worth, I'm happy to make a fuss of someone on their birthday if that is their choice and what they enjoy. I've thrown birthday parties for him before, despite having no desire for that myself. We all have to navigate difference customs and individual quirks. It's part of interacting with other humans.

I could accept that for friends or wider family. Not your partner. It’s one day of the year you need to remember. The same date every year.

PP called me weird so I was responding in kind. If you give snippy you'll get it back.

And the 'weeks before' was a direct quote from her. NOT my words. I even used quotation marks. If you read the post you're referring to back, you'll SEE where I've quoted her. THREE times.

Someone already did!!

I know right? It's as if having testicles and testosterone is the ultimate excuse.

Why a small gift….

I actively do want my birthday ignored but I am aware that is unusual.

When you've discussed your birthday before have you ever actually said that a card and a hug is exactly what you want? The range of what people want from their birthday is so big I think it's entirely reasonable to say what you want although least once and be explicit.

Expecting anyone to guess just makes it all stressful for everyone.

Does anyone else send you cards, buy a gift @MiserableMrsMopp

"It's just a day, I'm not bothered, but I'll start a mumsnet thread about it" 🤔

P.S He sounds like an arse but I personally couldn't be bothered with all this score keeping, testing to see if he remembers, and tit for tat in a marriage.

Ok but you remember a couple of days before that it is your birthday.
You don't want it marked or celebrated.
But instead of saying to your husband oh I just remembered it's my birthday on Wednesday
You decide to stay silent about it, see if he forgets, then be upset about it 🤔

tbf the pp didn't say remind him, but it's likely in the run up to my birthday i might mention I'm going out Saturday for birthday drinks or my Mom has been hassling me about what to buy me etc. and it's Def not as a reminder cos my birthday is on a significant day so he can't miss it.

I think the OP is actually quite hurt that there was no acknowledgement. Not that she didn't get a card or a present, but her partner didn't even say Happy Birthday.

And maybe her way of reacting by not acknowledging his birthday, knowing he will be upset, is her way of letting him know she's hurt.

Fundamentally if a partner doesn't acknowledge a birthday or doesn't support their partner in the little ways that say they're thinking of the other, the partner is letting them know that they don't matter to them.

And honestly no-one needs anyone like that in their life.

If you don't want to celebrate your birthday that works, but the OP does want to celebrate her birthday. I think.
Or at least be cross if it isn't celebrated.