Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

OP is low key about birthdays and isn’t after a birthday lunch or dinner, so why would she be “naturally chatting” about such a plan?

I presume he manages to remember work meetings, dentist appointments, the MOT. She remembers his birthday and he’s pissed off if she doesn’t.

None of this is on OP.

No. It's not that big a deal. It's just a day. I don't need a cake or an event or even a gift really. I'm as low maintenance as it's possible to be. TBH, none of my family are. Partner isn't either. He doesn't mention his birthday until after the fact (as in, 'X dropped in with a card.'). It's just a caring thing to do, to acknowledge the birthday of someone you care for.

So just to clarify.

1. I'm not 'a martyr'.
2. I don't 'feel crap'.
3. I don't want to do preparation chats for 'weeks before'. Particularly not since I only realise my birthday is happening a couple of days before myself.

But you do you.

I really don't understand how this is possible? Surely birthdays come up in general conversation, planning social diary etc. I'm genuinely baffled how a birthday can come and go without mention. And it's completely weird that a partner could just forget. I have such strong associations with months of the year/seasons and close family and friends' birthdays. Even at the opposite time of the year I'm like, oh so-and-so would love that. These things are generally on my mind a lot. And surely people around you also mention it, cards appearing in the post etc, so your partner would be aware? So weird!

My exH forgot my thirtieth, I’d saved to send him away to see his favourite musician in a different country for his thirtieth a couple of years before. The children were very young and without him telling them didn’t know to even say Happy Birthday, and we lived somewhere where on Sundays (which it fell on) there are zero shops open. I want very little - cuddles and some chocolate would have been fine, or a lie-in, but there was nothing. It really highlighted the unequallness in our marriage and left me feeling very sad, it limped along for a few more years but was probably the start of the end. It’s hardly difficult for your loved ones to have an alarm set on their phones a week before these days, and a reminder on the morning of - if they don’t then they are showing you how little they truly regard you.

My DP and I have an agreement that birthdays are no presents/cards between us but we always say Happy Birthday.

You need to talk with your DP…because if you’ve written it here you aren’t just musing, you realise there’s a discrepancy.

But you started a thread on MN

And now you're trying to tell us you don't actually care

Wtaf?

You said in your OP he was upset when you did nothing for him after he forgot twice, that’s the discrepancy.

It never occurs to DH to put reminders in his phone, although I do remind him. This isn't just for birthdays, but hospital appointments and other really important stuff. I have made him set alarms on his phone to take medication, and when the phone alarms he just switches it off then forgets to take his medication. If I am with him I remind him to take the medication.

I am worried abot his cognitive ability these days TBH.

I certainly would not remind him. Youve been together long enough, he should know. The fact that its ok to forget your birthday but as soon as you do nothing for his, he gets upset screams selfish and disrespectful!

But you said you would rather not mention it and wait and see if he remembers. That’s playing games.

And now starting a thread on MN about it, that shows it does bother you.

@RampantIvy that sounds difficult. Alarms can be set with a message, ie Take your Medicine!! Would he not read it? My DP is 70 and forgets phones can do this, but he writes down stuff in a notebook he carries with him and checks regularly.

Presumably at least some of those people will have got you a birthday card then? So put them all up and see if he notices?

His forgetting bothers me because it shows a lack of care for me. Not his not doing anything. I don't care that he hasn't done anything.

Either you care because you want your birthday celebrated or you feel a lack of acknowledgment is representative of a lack of general consideration.

starting a thread and then snippily telling a poster “but you do you” is weird

Yeah, the first time I just assumed was a genuine mistake and still made an effort on his birthday. But the 2nd year in a row, I definitely thought, this is just a bit selfish now, so just stood back and didn't do anything on his. At which point he was insulted. Which honestly did amuse me.

It’s fine to start a thread because you feel a bit upset/annoyed about something.

Posters extrapolating this to more extreme positions like “being a martyr” are projecting, not reading.

I think the idea of going on about your birthday for weeks beforehand is weird.

Not even young children in our family do that. They might mention their party or ask how long it is, but not repeatedly, for weeks.

I can't begin to imagine the reasons to be that invested.

I’d forget it, and forget his birthday too.

Some people are rubbish at remembering birthdays and yes you should write it down, have a reminder on your phone etc. I don't think my husband would forget but I talk about it a couple of wks in advice cause I make plans with my family, friends and I tell him what to get me etc. Maybe it's not very romantic but I love my birthday and I want to enjoy it. I would never rely on someone to make plans for my birthday and I hate surprises. I generally organise what I want to do or ask my DH too. That works for me to avoid disappointment but I understand that your DH should take responsibility for remembering. Communication is key.

The options aren't polar. It's not either say absolutely nothing and leave him to forget or go on about your birthday for weeks in advance.

Here a couple of weeks before one of us might say where we fancy going for our birthday dinner, and might send a link or two to some present ideas. It's not going on, it's letting people have some ideas. From what I hear of my friends they all do similar. So no chance to forget but no big fuss.

It does say take medication, but it is as if the wiring in his brain isn't joined up so he thinks "I'll take it later" then forgets.

He prefers to use an old fashioned diary to write down appointments so this does work. I put all his appointments in my Outlook diary so I can remind him as well.

He has always been like this (ADHD), but has got worse since his stroke.

You said you would like a card and a small gift. Now you don’t. Ok. 👍

You said you would rather he forgets than have to remind him, but then start a thread on mumsnet about it because you are peeved. Thats being a martyr.

You said you were peeved which means annoyed/slightly angry. I’d say that feels crap. It’s not a good feeling, is it?

‘Preparation chats’? It’s just chatting and communicating with your partner. It’s normal in a relationship to talk about what’s going on and what you plan to do tomorrow, next week etc.

At the end of the day, you started the thread because it bothered you. Now you’re getting pissed that people are suggesting you chat to your partner, set expectations and not play games to see if he remembers because it only results in you being ‘peeved’. You moaned, people suggested things, now it’s suddenly not a big deal. Right. 🤔

Yes, I’ll keep doing me and being happy, not peeved. It was my birthday last week and I had a lovely day with my partner. You do you and be peeved I suppose. Sounds like a wonderful relationship. 🙃

Buy yourself something nice on his birthday

Have you told him how batshit he is for his double standards?

I think I would just tell we’re not doing birthdays anymore.

No, you shouldn't have to remind him but most people do have general conversation prior to birthdays around where to go, what to do. Everyone i know goes out for meals/ drinks for their birthday. Surely he realised though when he saw cards up from family and friends? Do you have children, did they remember? He can't be that bloody clueless. I also dont understand the attitude of I'd rather stew than mention it. Why make life harder. A simple 'shall we go out Sat for my birthday, I fancy x place' would have avoided all this.

Bit confused as to what you actually want. Just a spoken "happy birthday" and a card? What's the point of that?

I have been very clear for years about what I want for my birthday, which is absolutely no recognition of it at all. My dad is like you and "doesn't mind" a card but it makes it really awkward as I don't know whether he actually wants that or would prefer not.