Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

You’ve thrown a party for him before and he didn’t even get you a card?

What a twat he is.

What is your relationship like otherwise? It isn't so much the birthday, but the lack of care and thought that would bother me. But in any case, if I were you, I would match his energy too and not bother with his birthday, but that seems like a sad race to the bottom, so maybe have a chat about care/though/affection/pampering each other?

Sorry but I cannot fathom a world where my husband would forget my birthday. Sorry but it’s the absolute bare minimum in a relationship. Communicate with him and say how incredibly hurtful it is so he can’t complain the divorce comes out of nowhere next time he’s a selfish idiot.

So if he'd just wished you a 'Happy Birthday' on the day of your birthday would you have been satisfied with the acknowledgement as it showed he'd remembered? And you wouldn't have cared then about a lack of card or pressie?

No it wouldn't make a difference to me.
I just want to have a nice time on my birthday, I don't want to be miserable to make a point or catch my partner out.

I never understand these threads.

This would piss me off. Especially as he’s forgotten before. How long until his birthday?

100% you should mention it. Healthy relationships depend on open communication rather than silent resentment and tit-for-tat behaviour.

IMHO it’s completely unacceptable to forget a partner’s birthday. And they should be made a fuss of. It doesn’t need any money. Simply a lovely day, planned with them, so they’re not blindsided and have something to look forward to. A special breakfast, lovely walk with thoughtful packed lunch and then watching a film together at home, with a favourite meal (or takeaway if budget will stretch to that). Plus a card and (if budget will stretch) a good quality bar of chocolate/shower gel, supermarket flowers etc.

There’s no excuse to forget. I assume he has a phone with a reminder function? And it’s the same day every year. He clearly just doesn’t care. Suggest you tell him calmly that you expect more from a romantic partner or even friend. So you expect him to make it up to you at a later date. If he doesn’t want to, why are you with him? What joy does he bring to your life?

Mention it - you clearly don’t care about marking my birthday.

You either don’t care much for me or don’t celebrate birthdays at all. I’ll assume the latter because the former gives us bigger issues.

All birthdays cancelled.

Personally not getting a card for someone you’ve been having sex with for over 5 years is do not give a crap status.

Oh he knows a small amount of attention is required. Been there, done that.

Yes, probably. Because he'd have said, I'll cook you dinner to make up for it, or something similar. Which would have been nice.

if only he possessed a small mobile device that he could carry in his pocket and use to log reminders for important dates, appointments, significant events etc etc etc.

Will he notice your birthday cards from other people later when he gets home?

Or that birthdays are just for children.
Amazing how many posters seem to miss the point entirely!

I mean, maybe he knows you dont care about birthdays that much so didnt bother.... but i think you do care a little bit because youve started a thread on it here.... i wish people would forget my birthday but i have two children so i cant really 😂. Just tell him hes a fucking dickhead for forgetting and you'll leave him if he forgets next year. Alternatively, put it in his calendar.

If my partner forgot my birthday then they would not be my partner any more! It's not about a present or anything like that, it is about caring about another person and caring about their well being. It is my husband's birthday in a week or so. I have arranged a present, meal etc.. It won't be a huge celebration but we will all mark it as we all love him and care about him. It sounds as if your partner doesn't really care very much about you.

I have managed to maintain not having a birthday with two children. I just never told them when it is and when they got old enough to ask DH explained to them I don't like it and the importance of treating people how they like to be treated on their birthday. So they understand their birthdays and Daddy's and other family and friends are celebrated in all kinds of different ways.

I don’t care about birthdays but at the minimum I want someone to say happy birthday and ask what I want for dinner/what takeaway.

I’ve never been into presents or cards but acknowledging that’s it’s my birthday is not asking for the world.

I could forgive him if he knew it was coming up and had asked what you want/want to do and had bought something and had just forgot on the actual day (I’m awful with knowing what the date is) but to not even acknowledge that it’s your birthday this month or have no conversations about whether you want to go out for dinner on the day or wait for the weekend etc would piss me off.

I would absolutely say that you feel hurt.
Surely he has a calendar - I have all birthdays written down on my calendar so I don’t forget.

Do you have DC?

There are a lot of questions you aren't answering, OP.

Did you literally not receive cards from any family and friends at all?

Do you never plan to have a nice birthday lunch with friends?

Do you have no shared wall calendar in the house?

Because to me, those things speak to something else going on in your life.

Do you want to be with this man? Because I don't think this is about your birthday.

I agree.

It’s not about presents, it’s about showing that you care and want to celebrate the person that you love.

Are you not bothered because it's a defence mechanism because he forgets so often, or are you truly not bothered?

Celebrate here, just a card, present from the cat (has to be cat themed) and we go for a pub lunch or a takeaway treat. It's not much but it is recognition. I'd be really pissed off with my partner if he forgot.

But OP only remembered a couple of days before and then chose not to mention it.

when has not communicating ever improved a relationship??

Tell him he forgot. Tell him you’re hurt. And tell him that you won’t do anything for his birthday (if that’s what you want to do, which would be entirely understandable)!

I'm not fussed about birthdays in general really. Never have been that much, although a bit more so when younger. But I also think it's part of getting older.

When is his birthday? Is it soon?

My partner ‘never knows what to do’ for mine, despite his being a couple of weeks before mine and me both telling and showing him how I’d like to be celebrated.