Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

You have to repeat the lack of effort
Just to continue to make it clear what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

Sure, starting a thread because you feel upset/weird is fine.

but being snippy with a poster who takes the time to offer a considered response and sensible advice and at the same time imply that poster is weird for engaging in what the OP suggests are “weeks of preparation chats” because they happen to mention their birthday plans in the run up is totally weird.

oh and not mentioning that someone forgot whilst being sad that someone forgot is practically the definition of martyr behaviour

This!

But you don't have to go on about it. You can simply say "I'm sure you've remembered it's my birthday next week, shall we go out for dinner" or what ever you want to do. It doesn't need to be anything more than that.

I do think it's poor that he's forgotten numerous times though. It does show a lack of care. Even if you don't want to do anything of make a deal out of it, a card or birthday wish or some acknowledgement would be normal.

Not bothering your arse with your partners birthday, but expecting them to do something for yours is the issue here.

Thats rude and selfish.

I wouldn’t reconsider a relationship because someone forgot my birthday, but I would reconsider it if he repeatedly (three times in five years for an annual event is repeatedly!) held me to a higher standard than he showed himself.

So you're playing games?

Maybe he doesn't care. Maybe he has a crap memory. Maybe he is stressed by other stuff in his life.

No, you shouldn't have to remind him. But, as other people have said, mentioning your birthday in passing is a usual thing to do.

When he was insulted about you "forgetting" his birthday, why did you not then have a conversation pointing out that he had also missed your birthday and you were upset about it because you felt it showed he didn't care, and what could he do to fix this in the future?

Communicating is generally better than stewing silently and starting threads on MN.

tbh I would say something now about how insulted you are given he made a big deal when you didn’t do anything for him. Saying something now ensures the focus is on his poor behaviour and he cannot wallow in how he’s feeling hurt and ignore his own actions.
tbh I think you need to be less low maintenance and a bit more interested in yourself and how people are treating you.

This is a top tier goady thread from op. ‘My husband forgets my birthday. I think it shows a lack of care, let’s discuss!’ MN discusses ‘How dare you discus remembering birthdays, birthdays are for children!’

If you won't remind him then please, please dont mark his in any way. There's disappointed, then there's utter mug.

...I can't believe some of the posters! How bizarre. Have our standards really dropped that LOW that we can all justify a partner forgetting someone's birthday?! Jeez.

OP - I'd be fuming. Regardless of whether you're a birthday person or not, it's bloody rude, end of. I've never had to start a conversation about my birthday with my DH, he'll ask me what I want to do a few weeks before and vice versa. It's really not rocket science!

For me, it would signal a real lack of priorities. Especially if he's capable of remembering other important dates; events (sports games, concerts), others birthdays etc, then it's just selective incompetence and lack of respect in my opinion. It's not hard this day and age to put a reminder in your phone, so it's just rude - no excuses!

I'd be making sure you give exactly what you get when it comes to his birthday too.

Did he not see cards from other people and realise?

do you actually like him? He doesn’t sound like he really values you and you said he’s selfish.

I’d definitely not bother with his ever again. But I wouldn’t stay with someone like that, and I’m not bothered about making a fuss on my birthday, it’s just the effort to write a card / cook me dinner would be nice.

Quote:

Someone will be along soon and tell you it's your own fault because you didn't remind him that he needed to remember it was your birthday.

... and there it is.

Sounds like you need to work on your self worth. ‘A small, low value gift would be appreciated’. What about him pushing the boat out now and then? Saving up and taking you away for the weekend? You are high value and should be treated that way.

I don't think mentioning your birthday beforehand is necessarily a 'reminder'. Do people not have conversations like: what do you want to do on your birthday, I'd like this kind of cake for my birthday, what shall we eat, what present would you like? Etc etc. DH starts asking me stuff like this over a month before mine (which I think is excessive tbh)

I’m with you OP. I don’t make a big deal about my birthday and don’t expect anyone else to either but I do expect a small gift and a card from my loved ones.

I don’t really understand adults who make a big deal of their birthdays.

I would just ‘forget’ his birthday and if he said anything just say ‘Oh I just presumed you weren’t bothered when you didn’t mark mine’

This is a case where two wrongs do make a right

Wouldn't you be happier if it was your partner saying "It's your birthday next week, what would you like to do?"

Spot on.

I get where you are coming from OP, I would forget his birthday too and leave it at that.

Wouldn't you like to be surprised sometimes?

What is the point of this thread? He clearly doesn't give a shit about you.......his actions show that perfectly clearly. You would also rather play games than discuss it with him or do anything about it. So what is your end game?

Not celebrating birthdays is fine but a happy birthday and a cup of tea in bed or whatever at least shows you care enough about the person to remember which day of the year they were born on. Not caring about yours but being upset you didn't celebrate his tells you all you need to know about what sort of man he is.

Get some standards and then you wouldn't need to start threads on Mumsnet because you're annoyed with your partner.

I’d feel peeved too OP.

I’m not a birthday person either. I don’t expect a huge fanfare, gifts, meal out etc. Nor do I want these things. In fact, it makes me feel a bit embarrassed if people go overboard. But I expect an acknowledgment, a card, small gift, flowers/chocolate, something like that. And if my partner completely forgot I’d be pissed off.

Does he remember anyone else’s birthday? The thing that would really make me cross is that you said he was upset when you didn’t acknowledge his birthday one year. Does he not see how unfair this is?

We'd be having conversations amongst the wider family "ooh time to start making birthday plans! Do you want to come for dinner or go out? Are you doing anything nice?" Cards would start dropping through the door a week or two before hand. Same with presents from family I might not see on the day or in the week or two either side.

If you only realise it's your own birthday 2 days in advance (and therefore presumably think this is a normal amount of time in advance to remember a birthday) that doesn't allow much time to find a nice gift or even a nice card really. I start looking for cards and gifts for people 2+ months in advance and certainly always know how far away my own birthday is (in months/weeks).

I get being a bit upset, but I think if you minimise your birthday so much that e.g. no cards are arriving in advance, no one has got you any presents, you don't plan to see anyone or do anything for it, then it might not be a surprise if sometimes it gets forgotten.

Spot on. That seems to happen a lot 😕

YANBU

Yes, happy birthday 🎂 🥳