Partner forgot my birthday again, should I mention it or leave it?

[MiserableMrsMopp]

My partner forgot my birthday. I'm not particularly a birthday person, although appreciate a card and maybe flowers or a small, low value gift. I always do that for him. It's not the first time. 5 years ago he forgot twice in a row. After the 2nd time, I did nothing for his birthday. He was upset!

Do I remind him? (YANBU)
Or just forget it. (YABU)

I'm not particularly upset, just a bit peeved that he's either selfish or so self absorbed he'd forget.

I think you’re missing the point.

In my original post I did say 'I'm not particularly upset.' And I'm not. I don't care about gifts. I have more than enough stuff. I've done the years of wanting specific things and am past that. And I'm not looking to be celebrated or wined and dined.

I just wonder how he can be so self absorbed really.

Doesn't he see cards that other people have sent you and at least realise then? He could at least then buy some flowers or chocolates by way of apology

And Happy Birthday OP 🎉💐🎂🎁

If you don't want to mark your birthday in any way and you don't want gifts or to go out for dinner or anything, it does sound like you're not really bothered about it.

Not meaningless at all, I always have a great birthday with the people I love. It doesn't make it any less lovely because I have told my partner what I want to do.

Yes. And my husband will come up with something he knows I'd like all by himself because he isn't a thoughtless idiot.

I make no effort for DH's birthdays anymore after he ruined several of mine. I now plan my own days with our DC and having zero expectation of him leads to no disappointment. I do however absolutely go to town for our DC, grandkids, other family and even our dogs. He sits there with a slapped arse face but I've told him time and time again that he gets what he gives.

I'm not bothered that much. I'm just musing really. Which is minor to what he'll be doing when I reciprocate with nothing on his birthday. LOL

Next year why not try just saying a week before what you'd like to do for your birthday and then have a nice time?
Or organise something with your friends or family?

I'd 100% prefer to just say what I want than stay silent and then be angry/disappointed after.

My DH did this - we've never worried too much about gifts but I've given him a rocket for not even bothering with a birthday card for me!
In fact, since an argument over family birthdays I have point blank refused to do any of his family birthdays. I deal with mine - all family dates are on the calendar - if he doesn't check - then it's on him. I don't even remind him or give fair warning and he's had grief from his family when he's missed a GCs birthday.

Would your partner remember your birthday if you didn’t plan it for him? If so, then you aren’t appreciating what the OP is going through.

I've never in almost 20 years tried just not mentioning it to anybody and making no plans or stating preferences so I really have no idea.

lol yes, this happened to me, mumsnet vipers made me think I was mental expecting acknowledgement from my partner and i actually stayed and put up with a lot worse than forgetting my birthday because they painted me as such a diva.
get rid op, you’re worth more

This is all very strange, when I have a birthday coming up, I chat about it with my family, friends and kids! I don't arrange my own presents, but I'd have a chat about what I'd like to do and then expect them to arrange it/buy me stuff from that point out, My partner also mentions his birthday, and we discuss what he'd like to do.

The idea of saying nothing right up to the day itself and then just letting it go by is so odd, I don't know what to say. Don't other people wish you happy birthday and then he would be mortified and rush out and get something?

The time to mention birthdays is before them, to discuss your plans for the week including the birthday. I think getting people to set reminders on phones is sensible for friends you don't see so often, but in a household or partnership, I'd expect an open conversation about what you are up to, including birthday plans.

I'd also be pretty annoyed if my partner sat there, didn't mention their birthday was coming up and didn't discuss plans for that weekend with me. I might forget it if I was busy, or have a vague idea of when it was, a prompt doesn't hurt!

We always celebrate birthdays though, and discuss plans for weeks in advance, kids too. Bit like Christmas, not meant to be a surprise, it's a family event arrangement, not a test of memory for anyone.

I agree with @FlowerSticker . Also, those who know they have to remind their husbands are dealing with the same type of man. The reminder just means they avoid seeing it.

Yanbu OP

Just because OP doesn’t want to go out for dinner doesn’t excuse her DP not getting her a card and flowers or whatever.

I agree. I'm pretty sure DH has ADHD, he also has memory issues and wants me to remind him about upcoming birthdays - not just for me but for other family members.

He has asked me not to be passive aggressive or play the martyr because it didn't occur to him, so he asks to be reminded.

The only time I got upset was when DD was 8 months old and he didn't do anything for Mothering Sunday. I said "you know perfectly well we got your mum somerhing. I'm a mum too now". The penny hadn't dropped.

I find it odd that the subject doesn’t come up naturally

You shouldn’t need to remind your spouse when your birthday is. If he’s really forgetful in general perhaps he should do what the rest of us do and get a calendar- good calendar works, then at least you get a reminder before. He’s just a dick.

I would mention it but also don’t do anything for his birthday again until he steps up. If you can continue a pattern of your birthday being forgotten while you do something for him, it will only increase resentment and probably make you feel like a mug.

That’s rubbish OP 😞
some people aren’t great at remembering things like that but then they do things like put reminder in the calendar/phone.

Do you not naturally say things like ‘I think I’d like or eat at X restaurant for my birthday this year’ or ‘shall we go to X for the day on my birthday’ or ‘Sarah is coming over on Saturday with my birthday gift’ etc

We both do that, it’s not really reminding each other but it just comes up in our chats in the weeks before our birthdays. What is the point in staying silent and ending up with nothing. How miserable. Playing games, hoping he forgets so you can be a martyr. Waste of time and you feel crap. If he’s generally just a shit partner, get rid. If it’s just birthdays, start a conversation with your expectations and communicate more in general.

Yes, I find it odd too. Do people just not chat to their partners about what’s going on in their lives, what’s planned for the next few months etc?