Is there a salary your partner would have to earn to encourage you to be a stay at home partner/parent?

[Peppynana]

Just wondering what salary your partner would have to earn in order for you to be a stay at home partner or SAHP....your answer could of course be that no salary would be enough to give up your own income and security!

I work 2 night shift currently (not at the moment as I am on mat leave) since I had my first DS 2 years ago but honestly whilst the extra money is nice. I never see my partner as I work the 2 days he doesn't, we never get time together as a family and there is no career progression or pension benefit as its such a low wage.

So yes the extra money each month is great but honestly its just miserable not getting to be a family or have any actual joy or potential from the job so it just doesn't feel worth it for me personally.

Does your husband feel guilt at going back to work?

is he sad at not spending time with them?

why is it only you “juggling both”

if you miss having a career and spare money why don’t both of you work reduced hours? Then both of you can spend time with the kids, and not have to give up a whole salary and your career. Then when they’re older it’s easier to up your hours than get back into the workplace from nothing.

I didn’t say it’s miserable having a job and a family. I said it was miserable keeping up with many modern day demands. It definitely can be for lots of people. I see it on here all the time - ‘I work all day, run around doing XYZ and feel exhausted and like we are just getting by’.

It’s not about choosing a dud (whatever that means), it’s about the inevitability of women often carrying most of the mental load - default child caring / managing the household whilst also working full or part time.

I mean i guess we could just pretend this doesn’t fit alot of women’s situations and that everything is hunky dory? The ‘I’m alright Jack’ mentality you have. Or we could just ask for more support? Better government strategies that are inclusive to women. The SAHM’s / the part time working women / the full time working women are not the problem or the issue here. The ultimate fallacy is turning women against women so that things don’t improve for all.

No my partner doesn't feel those things but I think thats often the way. Men don't carry them for 9 months, feeling them grow and kick, they don't spend the whole first year of their babies lives with them. They go back to work in a matter of weeks so don't build that same bond and guilt.

My partner can't reduce his hours in his role and I would have to go for a total career change as my previous career doesn't work hour wise with kids so I would be highly unlikely to find say a 3 day week 9-3/4 career except maybe a teaching assistant but that isn't the kind of career I would be interested in. I just personally think being there for my kids trumps the extra money even if that means I don't have a life outside of being a mum.

Most women aren’t, I was fifty fifty as were all my friends, yes some women do do it all, but that is because they have shite partners.

Please speak only for yourself and stop tarring us all with the same brush as you. My marriage isn’t like that, nor of my working friends,

No salary enough.

If you’d asked me 18 years ago when my I had 3 under 4 I’d have said about £250k but even in today’s terms DH earns twice that now and I’m so glad I work and there’s not a chance I’d give it up for anything (I did “retire” a few years back but went back after a year).

I love working. The independence. The opportunities. The challenge. The people. The sense of achievement. The status it brings.

wouldn’t give that up for anything

About 60k to be a temporary sahm until dc are at school. that would cover the bills, allow me to be with my babies and also save on nursery fees. I’m freelance though with a skill I can just pick back up once dc are at school. Long term I think unless he earned millions I’d always want to work at least part time.

lol I’m literally giving an opinion on ‘some’ people. No one is being tarred with the difficult life brush. I’m wondering if you understand the concept of discussion sites and that generally people have varying observations and stand points. If it doesn’t apply to you then surely you understand that it may for others?

There is no amount of money. Staying at home sounds tedious.

My husband earned about $14k when I first became a SAHM. Different strokes for different folks! Can I also add you don't have to be a working mother to be a good example of a strong woman for your children. That's such a tired idea.

Couldn’t you get a PA and a nanny and then put your feet up?

OP it’s hard to say as no matter how much he earned, my additional salary would always help. I know at £400k though I would be home.

I disagree, I have a job and I have children and I wish hard that I could just quit. Theoretically I could and we would have to downsize and give up a lot of things, plus all the financial pressure would then be on my husband.

If this weren’t the case or he was on super mega bucks, I would quit and be a stay at home mum in a heartbeat. I have a senior level highly technical job and would love to spend my time signing songs at the library, going to the zoo, playing in the park.

But we couldn’t afford all these nice extra outings and a lot of other things without both our salaries.

I’d love to be a SAHM.

@karma1387 yes of course I do housework. But I have a cleaner in every week and DH does his half as well. If I as a SAHM 95% of it would be on me and I would HATE that.

Is that not because you don’t like your job?

This is a very interesting question! My husband has at times made significant amounts of money, but as these were commission based we never regarded this as stable ie that that would be the figure we could rely on on a consistent basis. And to be fair, my old dad's life advice is always in the back of my mind - he always told both his daughters to always have an income of our own, so that if at any point we wanted or needed to walk away, we would be able to.

I got similarly obsessed with cleaning during my mat leave 😂 It was very weird, I'm not usually houseproud! I think my brain just needed something to do that wasn't childcare.

I am very much not cut out to be a SAHM. I really disliked the imbalance with me doing all the house stuff because I was at home all day - I can see how women end up doing it all.

Even if he was on super mega bucks though, the financial pressure is still all on him. In some ways worse, as now you have a lifestyle which is not maintainable.

what if he loses his job? Makes a mistake? Is so stressed his mental health suffers and he can’t work?

what if the super mega bucks job means you and the kids never see him?

what if you divorce? He dies? Or has a stroke and needs 24 hour care? What do you do for income then?

him having a high earning job may make your life easier, but if it means he has a super stressful life never seeing his family I don’t think that is fair.

do you think he ever wishes he could just quit and spend his time playing in the park?

I wouldn’t rely on one income unless you have multiple income streams. If they get made redundant or become ill. They could cheat / you get divorced etc. terrible idea to become financial dependent on someone and stall your ability to earn at the same time.

No salary would be enough to stay at home and effectively give up my independence. Happy for all the domestic stuff to be done by hired help I.e. gardeners , cleaner , ironing etc. so we had lots of free time to do family activities / holidays but would not give up work.

I wouldn’t give up working. I’d perhaps drop a shift a week to 23 hours for 160,000

My partner is on a pretty decent wage £95.000 or so rising next year when he can take bonus and we don’t need to stay under tax free childcare.

But a word to the wise - lifestyle inflation means you get trapped with high bills and outgoings lifestyle inflation creeps in unless you are MILITANT. Our wage disparity means that I’ve gone along with a house bigger than I’d like - if anything were to happen our mortgage is pretty much my entire take home nurses wage! Thanks truss for adding £800 a month on it.

As appealing as it sounds, it means you will have to rely solely on his income and whatever he gives you. Any arguments involving money could well end up being as a weapon to use against you.

£100k as this is what we bring in jointly and I wouldn’t want any compromise on our lifestyle or finances.

Gross or net? One person earning £100,000 gross takes home about £10,000 less than two people earning £50,000. An even greater difference if there’s student loan and if child benefit is lost.