Is there a salary your partner would have to earn to encourage you to be a stay at home partner/parent?

[Peppynana]

Just wondering what salary your partner would have to earn in order for you to be a stay at home partner or SAHP....your answer could of course be that no salary would be enough to give up your own income and security!

I think it’s anti being dependent on another person financially as an adult, doesn’t matter if you’re a man who doesn’t work or a woman who doesn’t work, most people don’t feel one person should be wholly reliant on another person to feed them clothe them and put a roof over their head, unless they are physically or mentally unable to do it themselves.

the reason is relationships end, people become unwell. Often resentment starts to build from the person who pays for it all. Resentment also from the one who feels like the drudge,’ and the person at homes world starts to become very small. It shrinks. The person working thinks I’ve got to go to work all day so they can stay home and I pay for them.

someone posted up thread about women’s careers flourishing after several years out, taking over from the men, the men stepping back, we all know that’s a pile of shite in the main, most stay at home parents find it hard to ever regain the lost ground, many of them had jobs in the first place, not careers, so they are back to retail, admin, call centre, type activities on very low wage, as that’s what they had before hand, even in proffesional careers, it is incredibly difficult to regain lost ground if you take 5 years out.

and if something happens and you stop having that main earner behind you, then it becomes incredibly difficult to pay for yourself on minimum wage numbers, never mind your share of the kids costs. And marriage stopped being a meal ticket for life a long time ago. People ar3 expected to get back into work. And fend for themselves.

I was a SAHM for a long time, from 2011 until 2020, when I went back to work 1 weekend day a week at first. DH was earning £20k climbing to around the £35k mark at the end. I became a mum youngish (23) and we did pay a small amount into a private pension for me all along. The big factor was that we were mortgage free in a small house, worth about £200k at the time, owned 50/50. Some people do go into SAHP-hood with their eyes open and it can be a strategic decision. We both strongly felt that DC should have one primary caregiver until aged 3 and I was 100% the right person for the job. I enjoyed it and don't consider those years a sacrifice.

I did do volunteer work which I could take DC along to (or in the evenings) and this did help me get back into the workplace when I was ready.

I don't think I would do it again but if I learnt £60k DH would.

I wouldn’t do it. I was brought up being told to never be financially dependent on a man. It’s important to have your own money, your own career prospects and your own life.

I wouldn't want to for a whole range of reasons, but for it to make financial sense for us it'd need to be at least £130k.

I know someone whose husband earns over £1m.

She still works full time. She’s the higher earner. (They are both v v senior partners).

We've worked this out, it's around £180k. He earns £63k at the moment so I'll sadly be working until I'm 70. I would love to give up work and be a stay at home parent.

Absolutely agree!

It was never about that. It was more about the fact that once we'd paid for childcare, we'd be no better off if I were to work than if I were to stay home.

People say this all the time on here like it's some kind of gotcha. I don't get it. The household wouldn't be any better off for a few years because of childcare costs you'd both be funding, sure, but that's only a big deal with a short period and in the meantime you would have an independent income, be accruing workplace experience and seniority, keeping your skills and industry connections current etc.

Would rather be single and struggling than give up any financial independence. Good job that I am 😅

I have been a SAHM since DD2 was born - she’s 16 now. I had my DDs at 41 & 42 so had made provisions of my own anyway in case I wanted to take an extended career break. ExH earned 200k + This was reflected in our divorce.

This is really shortsighted, when I went back to work after maternity, DD was 9months old, I was earning £25k a year and nursery cost £1000 a month so we were skint but I was still adding to the household income. More importantly though I was adding to my pension and building my career. I steadily applied for promotions, took advantage of training opportunities and now DD is 12 years old and I’m on a 6 figure salary. The really lean years got a lot better when she turned 3 and the funded childcare hours came in and by then my salary had started to increase. Now we’re really comfortable and have been able to save a lot for our and DDs future.

No I’d be a crap SAHM. I’m rubbish at cooking in particular. We’d be much better off with him as SAHD. Also I earn more than him.

In theory we could manage with one income now, but we wouldn’t be able to build enough pension to retire in our early 60s if he stopped working now. Plus I very much like the idea that we’d be ok if one of us lost our job, I wouldn’t like the pressure of being the sole earner. That pressure ruined my dad’s life (always under threat of redundancy) and then he died just after retiring.

For us it was so that he could pay me a salary that matched what I earned before and put the same amount into my pension as I was. I do own 51% of the business he runs though so it’s a bit different for us, as I’ll always have that security. The house is also in my name

I wouldn't be a SAHM
My partner would do it but I'd have to be on maybe £175k +

I wouldn’t care if he was a millionaire. I always want the stability and security of earning my own income and the satisfaction of developing my own career.

I’d be happy staying at home on his current salary (£85k + £10k bonus) if we weren’t increasing our mortgage to renovate our house.

Nothing on earth would induce me to be a SAHM. I find housework mindnumbing, I love work, love my colleagues, love the satisfaction I get. I would not trade that for faffing about with a mop and being default everything. I worked really hard for my career, why would I give it up willingly?

You know childcare costs only last a few years, but you have to fund yourself for the rest of your life, don’t you?

i never got this argument. Sure, it’s right for the nursery years, but once they hit school that cost is much less.

we went interest free on the mortgage rather than me give up work. I’m now in my 50’s and seriously glad I kept working. I have a pension, and a decent wage.

people underestimate how hard it is to get back in the workplace after 5+ years off.

and why is it always the woman’s wage that “doesn’t cover childcare”. It’s a joint expense.

Same here. My husband earns enough that I would not have to work if I did not want to but I would never give up work in that way, I also would not want him to bear the burden on his own of providing for our family and feeling it was all on him. I get great satisfaction from being a respected professional and modelling to my children that women work, that they are successful.

Our net household income is £6.5k a month so whatever the gross amount is for that I suppose. Plus bit more to make up for my pension contributions. I’d hate to be a stay at home mum though I enjoy working.

My Partner earns 53k and we are seriously considering me not returning to my part time job.

But equally if I didn't feel so much guilt at the prospect of going back to a proper career I would probably work full time even with his earnings covering our outgoings.

Whilst I understand those that don't want to be a stay at home mum. Surely even working full time you have to do housework? Unless you are getting a cleaner in very regularily?

I would never rely on a man to pay my way. I earn my own money.
I would hate to be a ‘kept’ woman. I know someone who doesn’t work coz her husband earns good money. He controls all the finances and questions her purchases.
That’s not the life for me.

I wouldn't, I like earning my own money and the security having a job and keeping up with the world of work brings.

I suppose if we had enough money that neither of us needed to work ever again, and half of it was in my own bank account, I could be persuaded... But by the end of mat leave I felt like my brain was turning to cotton wool (probably partly the lack of sleep of course), so I think I'd always want to do something.