Is there a salary your partner would have to earn to encourage you to be a stay at home partner/parent?

[Peppynana]

Just wondering what salary your partner would have to earn in order for you to be a stay at home partner or SAHP....your answer could of course be that no salary would be enough to give up your own income and security!

We both work FT and DH is the higher earner. I would never give up work but it would be nice if one of us earnt enough to allow the other to go PT so things like school run were easier. One of us would need to be on £100k I think if we were wanting to maintain our current lifestyle

I’d never make myself financially dependent like that. But if I’d did, they’d have to earn enough to maintain our lifestyle and financial commitments, plus to pay into a pension for me at the same rate as if I was still in my paid employment. All in all, I’d imagine they’d rather I stayed in paid employment!

I was a stay at home mum in London 35 years ago when my husband was earning the equivalent of around £90,000 nowadays. We had just moved to a semi derelict house that needed complete renovation when I was 6 months pregnant so every bit of money we had was needed to get the basics like a kitchen finished in the house during the first year. But we would have managed with far less if necessary to have enabled me to stay at home.

Why shouldn’t he stay at home ? You ask women. Not if one parent should stay at home.
For women to stay at home and do so happily they would need a lot of financial security. And have a decent and good man. Not one and not the other.
The relationship matters as much as the money.
Financial lenders happy to lend for a mortgage on one salary. Which would have to be significant for that to apply.

It’s interesting how the general mindset is now individualism rather than family unit.

I think I grew up and had my own children on the cusp of this change in mindset. When mine were little we worked as a family, sharing income rather than thinking in terms of mine/your earnings. It was can we pay the bills together. I stayed home when I had small babies/toddlers and loved it. Life was much easier when someone was home and I’ve never regretted it. I understand not everyone wants to be home with young children but they were some of my favourite years. It’s working I hate and I can’t wait for retirement!

No, because even though I love my partner and trust him, I could never sign over my life to another person and make myself financially dependent on them. Having to go to someone cap in hand is humiliating.

I think you’ve read something there that is not.

We have family money, shared income. Most do. Sharing income isn’t just when one works and the other doesn’t.

But that doesn’t mean I want to be financially dependant on my husband and move to a stereo typical gender family where mum stays home and does the child care and housework and dad goes out and earns the money, I’d rather gnaw my own foot off. And he doesn’t wish to do it either.

as said, parenting is for life, and I personally feel I set a better role model by being an equal partner, not financially dependant, and we both share the child care and domestic chores equally. I respect if someone else feels differently, but this is not about an individualism mindset. And I very much doubt you throw that accusation at men who don’t consider giving up work to stay home and do the laundry,

No amount.

I wouldn't want to be financially dependent.

I would be bored out of my mind.

I value the education and work I have put into my career and wouldn't want to give that up.

I wouldn't want my DH to have the burden of being solely responsible for our family's finances and feel resentful thay he had to continue to work without the option of a career break, change in career, or if the worst happened and he fell long term sick or worse.

Good for you.
One of us earns a fair bit more but money is not everything.
For me my job is tied more to self respect and the skills I am sharing with others and the example I am setting than what it pays.

I say to my daughter, if you end up being a cleaner or shop assistant on minimim wage-great! Just make sure you are the best cleaner or shop assistant you can be.

It would have to be millions, we would have to be married and lots of assets and pension would need to be in my name. Every single day multiple women post on here that are being abused and have no way of really sorting their lives out because they have no money of their own and they are often not married so no rights to any of the assets not in their names. No man has ever said it ‘just made sense’ for them to give up their financial independence when they became a parent so it shouldn’t ‘make sense’ for women to do it or to pontificate about what that would look like.

Yes childcare is expensive, yes it’s hard to juggle work and family, yes life might be easier in the short term to focus on being a mum but it has long term ramifications on your personal earning potential and pension and it has ramifications on all women working as we are still seen as being less committed than men and therefore more expendable in an economic downturn. It also perpetuates women ‘choosing’ lower paid work to begin with as it will be deemed more flexible or easier to fit round a family so you are more likely to end up with a male partner who out earns you and end up in the ‘just makes sense’ situation.

Both dh and I have been made redundant or been in between jobs over the years, we would’ve lost our home if only one of us was working because we wouldn’t have had the money coming in to pay the mortgage and have had it in the past to have saved it up for a rainy day.

£400k and possibility of earning more as years go by. The personality that doesn’t use it against you to diminish or belittle you. Only would do it until kids are of full time school age. Hard because many people earning that much are bound to be narcissists. I would have to be ok with being in that role of SAHM as it is frown upon in this country. With some people in your social circle resenting you and becoming vile towards you. However, if you need to be with your kids as there is little network support outside your marriage. With a husband or wife working long hours and travelling. Then it would made a difference to your kids and family for sure. So it would make sense specially in the early years.

Ive been a sahp at times at times DH has. It’s what works as a unit.

I didn’t want to give up my career, but having 3 kids under 2 it made financial sense to stay at home.

And i lived it, the kids lived it and we had a lot of fun, days out, break away, I thought the to do so many wonderful things and I wouldn’t change it for the world!

We were broke but with careful planning you can live of very little.

However, I went back to collage an became a teaching assistant to fit in with the kids schedules - then retrained again now having a finance career and working my way up the ladder!

I have no regrets - I would have lived in a shed to have that time with my children.

My kids are now at Uni and doing well, my salary supported them through the process and they are all leaving debt free - all because money management skills have been passed on.

As a family in a couple of years, between us, we are well over average earners.

Im glad they had my support to become the people they are today.

My husband’s current salary is enough that I could stay at home but honestly it’s not the money it’s the future security that stops me leaving work, I have gone part time and have a job that would allow me to go back full time whenever I want to but fully leaving work just makes things feel too risky. We are happily married, our money is joint money, I don’t see us splitting up (but then does anybody until it happens!) and yeah okay if we got divorced I’d get a chunk of the savings, equity, pension etc but I would then be on my own and would need to support me & my children on my own salary, on my full time salary I could easily do that but if I had 10 years out of work for example I’m not confident I could get back to this point quickly enough.

Huh? What a snippy comment, you’re glad they had your support. Every decent parents supports their child. You don’t need to be unemployed to provide that.

None, I did do it for a year when I was made redundant and DCs were 3 and 5 and that was nice but only did it because my redundancy money was equivalent to a year's salary and I went back to work as soon as DC2 started school. I didn't need to financially, DH does earn enough to cover our costs but it would have been tight and I would have been bored stiff.

My mum was a SAHM and I absolutely loved having her around so really wanted to be one too. DH was on probably 50k. It was fantastic the amount of time and encouragement I could give DS and I certainly don't have any regrets 20 years later. Absolutely the best decision I've made in my life.

I think it would have to be enough for me to be a proper lady of leisure. I’d like to have weekly cleaners, lunches out, an expensive gym membership. I love my kids but I’ll be honest and say I couldn’t hack being a SAHP, I need the routine and mental stimulation that going to work gives me.

This. (We both earn 6 figs.)

Well, I currently don’t work due to illness and we survive fine enough. Dh earns maybe £60-70k (company director) and pays me a further £2k a month spending money on top of that (I’m a co-director as well but I don’t do anything).

BUT no way would I choose to be a SAHP by choice (I’m not really anyway, my dc are school age and Dh still does a lot of the school runs and afternoons with them, I’d classify me as more ‘unemployed’). Because I know how quickly life can change. I had a big career and a decent salary and then poof! Cancer! And I’ve not been back to work again. That was 2 years ago. I am hoping maybe to do a tiny bit of PT work if I’m able this next year. I may never be well enough to work like I used to. Or I may simply not live that long.

If Dh had been a SAHP when I suddenly couldn’t work anymore, we would have been screwed. We would have lost our house. Because dropping from 2 decent incomes to one is very different to dropping from 1 income to none. The exception being maybe if the SAHP was independently wealthy and was bringing in enough money through investments or other passive income to carry the family finances alone. Otherwise, it’s a very risky position to put your family in. People don’t believe it could happen to them until it happens to them.

None.

I enjoy working and my MH would suffer if I didn’t.

If I ever won the lottery then I would have to volunteer or something.

However, I would hire things like a cleaner and gardener so we didn’t have to do it ourselves.

And I’d like for us to only work PT 3/4 days a week so that he both have more time ti enjoy life.

I’ve never understood couples where 1 works FT and then other doesn’t work at all - I’d feel so guilty and just couldn’t do it.

Can I ask what jobs you both do?

And do you both work FT 5 days a week?
If so, have you never thought about reducing your hours?

I’ve always thought if I earned over a certain amount, I’d drop a day and then have best of both worlds.

It’s a bit of a jump that someone earning £400k is “bound to be a narcissist”

Technically either of us could give up work and live off the other’s family, but we both enjoy what we do and don’t find full time work and raising children to be stressful.

When I had my first child a few years ago so many women told me they were really pleased they decided not to work when their children were little. Interestingly these were mostly families that had to scrimp to make it work. I worked very part time after my first was born, and I'm currently home after having my second without a clear return to work plan - although I'm self employed so I have flexibility in that area. My husband owns his own small company, but very much has the attitude of 'what is mine is yours' so it never feels like it's 'his' money. I don't have a clear 'amount' as such that makes me comfortable with the decision, but basically enough to cover our monthly expenses plus some significant savings (especially important when you work for yourself).