Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

Those referencing all the group chat messages... do you not consider friend messages separate to those? I can see messages on group chat (which I mute and check when it suits me) and I can see when a friend has texted me. If it's a good friend it would be unusual for me not to open the message within 24 hours. If I'm not opening the message then that's probably not someone I consider a priority.

Yes, I place lower emphasis on group chats and prioritise 1:1 chats. I thought everyone did this.

Not replying to messages is rude. It’s not reasonable to expect an immediate reply but I would always reply within 48 hours to anyone I considered an actual friend and I would judge anyone who took longer unless there were extenuating circumstances - and by that I mean illness, bereavement, lost job etc not ‘busy and having overwhelm with modern technology’. We all have that, but it’s the world we live in so to me behaviour like this is like lateness - on one level I understand it of course, but it’s also selfish and I think a bit less of people who do it repeatedly.

I’m massively busy at work, have two kids and am also probably not ‘neurotypical’ - none of these things are an excuse for making less effort with your friends than they make with you. So to all the ‘Jen’s on this thread - be aware that you may lose some friends over this behaviour long term.

I can be guilty of not replying if the message is a time wasting thing that doesn't need immediate attention. I read the text on Apple watch and get the gist. I can decide to reply or not.

Talking on the phone is dying out. I deliberately do it, but lots of my calls go to the recipient's voicemail! Can't win.

No one is under any obligation to to read and respond to messages. Expecting it seems entitled.

I for instance don’t have notify switched on for any message app. I wouldn’t even know I have a message because for some apps I don’t check every day. I’d say she is being polite, however, but doesn’t really want to meet up. I hate having to do that, it takes up too much energy, but if I bump into someone I am genuinely happy to see them.

I turned off my read receipts, so everyone just gets the grey ticks now. I will reply when I am ready, not on an arbitrary timeline imposed by someone else.

I am also in many, many groups for different local issues and they are very active. As a result sometimes the sheer number of different group messages means more personal ones drop off my screen and I don't get round to scrolling back to hunt for them. Its a bit of an out of sight, out of mind thing.

I do this with most of my good friends and they do it with me. We all live busy lives and know we will get back to each other when we have the time
or head space. Some of these friends have been in my life over 20 years.

I have a friend who does this..I've come to be ok with it. I don't expect a response quickly and will never try to arrange anything that requires a quick response. She does respond eventually and we have a nice time when we go meet up so i just don't take it personally anymore X

I agree with you. Something about WhatsApp, even as opposed to normal text I think, seems to create an expectation of contact, or even a conversation on the spot. I don't like that pressure so removed WhatsApp before Christmas. It feels better now. Less of a drain. Something I really needed to do as I have ME & can't afford that drain or pressure but I think others could benefit from removing it, too. Some people think I've moved to the north pole coz I removed WhatsApp even though normal text is still available. They just don't think of it anymore. Suits me. 😊

I usually ignore WhatsApp, I genuinely forget its even there most of the time!
I mean I already have a phone, email address and text....how much more bloody technology do I have to pay attention to!!?

I have ADHD (which is not at all obvious to the casual observer) and I find dealing with this kind of stuff really stressful and overwhelming. I’ve lost loads of friendships as I can’t spin the plates required to sustain them. It is not a reflection in any way on my opinion of the person or how much I value them, simply my own mental capacity. Perversely I can find it easier to sustain “low stakes” friendships as there’s less guilt attached than feeling I am constantly letting down people I really care about.

Basically my social circle is immediate family + people who won’t care if I go AWOL for weeks at a time as that is what I can deal with.

My friend was getting bombarded with whatsapp messages and people expecting immediate replies.
She has now adjusted her settings so you can't see when she was last online/any of her activity, and the message stays on 2 grey ticks and doesn't change to blue, so you can't see when she has read your message.

Definitely if they actually wanted to meet, they wouldn't be saying 'sometime' or 'soon' they would be asking for dates that you're free.