Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

I am AuDHD. I do this constantly not because I don’t care but because sometimes I just run out of mental energy. And if I leave it unread, it’s a reminder to come back to it before it gets lost down the page below other messages.

Please don’t assume it’s a reflection of anything other than her ability to reply.

I do this all the time. If I am overwhelmed or have not got the mental bandwidth to answer properly I won't open it. I also will not feel guilty about it either. People are so demanding.
Describing it as passive aggressive bullying is mental.

I'm only on whatsapp for a volunteer thing I signed up last year, I don't usually check it and have batched all notifications so if somebody contacts me there I don't see it. I don't know why people don't just text - I never contact people that way so its a bit annoying - I use texts / e-mail / actual phone calls)

My "friend" did this to me so I stopped trying. 2 years later and not a word!

Friendships ebb and flow. Let them ebb and flow. Try not to feel offended by the lack of reply, just let it go 💐

Pretty sure she’d be the same with texts. It’s been 2 weeks now. It’s rude

she is sending you a very strong signal that you aren't important to her anymore. And for whatever reason your friendship isn't a priority.

Sorry. I know it's shit

What do you mean by:

Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc).

Are you helping her with childcare? If so, is it reciprocated in some way?

DS2 gets wound up by "getting left on read" and I don't understand why. Even when his grandfather does it - he's 83! It's a minor miracle he replies by WhatsApp at all.

You can see the gist in preview. Reading doesn't require a prompt response. Life busy, things dro out of the forefronts of our minds. It's not a thing to get wound up about.

I am also Spartacus Jen!

This.

I think you’ve decided she’s rude and we’re never in this to consider any other option.

I’m also a Jen. Overwhelmed by life. Wondering what’s going to be asked/expected of me when I read a message that I’m going to have to either organise or sort or pay for. So I stick my head in the sand and let the notifications pile up.

I just can’t handle the sheer volume of constant communication and expectation of it.

I probably spend way to much time on here scrolling mindlessly to block everything out.

This!

I’d stop contacting her. She’s not a real friend.

I am very close to ditching a friend that does this to me.

Her phone is generally glued to her hand and when she was weeping down the phone at me because her latest boyfriend was leaving her on read I reminded her that it takes 30 seconds to reply with a holding text.
Now she has a partner I'm ignored in exactly the same way.
I'm not begging for crumbs.

I’m a Jen (relieved to see several other Jens on the thread 🫣)

I get really overwhelmed and anxious with messaging apps. If I open the message, I have to construct a reply and give immediate headspace to the content of the message. If I pretend the message isn’t there, I don’t have to worry about it until I’m ready. Then I forget about it and a week or two passes until I see it again, by which point I’m too embarrassed to reply because I realise I’ve been a shit friend. It’s not really a good way to go about things but I don’t know how to fix it now without replying to every unopened message with “hello, I’m sorry I didn’t reply, I’m just overwhelmed and anxious” because that is nobody’s problem but mine and it’s not fair to dump that on other people.

Are you sure that she hasn't just turned her read receipts off? Mine are off, so people never get blue ticks even when I have read their message. I have also turned off my 'last seen' for that exact reason. Oddly enough, I generally always reply to every pretty quickly 😂

This is exactly what I do so I don’t feel pressure to reply immediately. I have a boss with no boundaries (except over his personal time)!

also I have noticed that some times WhatsApp will show my husband as “typing” or “online” when I can see he isn’t.

also also I don’t always get notifications of new messages on whatsapp.

This is a good point. The people who reply immediately to everything are the ones who will eventually meet you for coffee or a drink and spend the entire time replying to other people. That's more off putting to me than the person who doesn't reply promptly.

All that said, two weeks is a bit long OP. I think msg her again, forward the last one. She may have forgotten.

People don’t owe other people anything. You don’t actually need to read and reply to all messages instantly. The people that have come to this realisation are living life their way and not a slave to their WhatsApp, treating it like work or another thing on the To Do list.

I am exactly the same. I get WhatsApps about work too as well as emails and texts. Those I absolutely have to respond to or I'll lose money. I hate the whole fucking constant treadmill though and I especially hate that social contact increasingly feels like work and feeds into this overwhelm. Modern communication methods do not suit me At All.

This.

Op I stepped back from these people or the must catch up soon maryxx ones lol. I dont know just havent the energy for them now. Its time wasting too.

I am unfortunately one of those people. My life is absolute chaos and I barely get a spare minute. I leave messages unread for weeks and weeks as I don’t have energy to organise anything and get sick of constantly saying I can’t meet up etc as I’m too busy.
I agree with someone above that text messages are a pain and why should we always be available to anyone at anytime

no the correct words are believe it when I see it.
people shouldn't say we should meet up if they don't want too.

I wonder if we have the same friend! It’s exactly the same I have given up messaging mostly as it always ends the same way. However when I break this and message with a happy birthday or whatever, there is then a reply asking how I am, let’s meet up etc. I then reply and then get ghosted again. I’m lured in every time as I hate being rude and not responding (despite it being done to be) and it makes me feel like an absolute idiot. Why bother replying with that? A thumb up or heart acknowledgment of the happy birthday would be fine, and my messages don’t warrant any response.