Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

I’m also Jen! I find communicating with anyone in any way other than face to face anxiety inducing and will often bury my head in the sand (I do not have the excuse of being busy). Even after reading a message, I’ll spend days mentally constructing a perfect reply before I can bring myself to send one. I love meeting up with friends.

You can switch off the read receipt blue ticks. Maybe she has done that?

@HeadingforaHundred yes, this.

Question to all the Jens

How many messages are you getting per day?

And presumably you would hate a phone call?

This.

As for what to do, don't text as much. Leave the ball in her court. I suspect she's not actually that bothered about meeting up.

Today : 50+ WhatsApps, 15 texts, don't even know how many emails.

It's the WhatsApps that are out of control, it's the group chats, people use them like they used to use old Facebook but a separate Facebook for each bunch of people.

I'd love it if people just called me but hardly anyone does now. A phone call, if I'm free I'll answer, we say what we need to back and forth, then done. Much more efficient and crucially it actually has an end to it.

I mean, on several of the WhatsApps I'm on, there are people posting pictures of their fucking cats and dogs, to the group. It stacks up as a notification every time! Every fucking time, for a picture of a fucking cat, fifty times a day.

Ok, I’ve just had a look through some.

On WhatsApp alone today:

1. DS’ class group Re who can help with PTA stall
2. DS’ group again who can donate to bottle tombola
3. DS’ class group - can I do face painting at the end of term disco
4. DD class group lost cardigan saga
5. DD class group complaining about headteacher
6. MIL - plans for FIL birthday - ongoing organisation and can I make the cake SIL - complaining about MIL and the birthday plan s drama
7. Church music group - songs for Sunday and new ones to learn
8. DS football group to discuss awards ceremony tomorrow
9. DM why have you not called me this week yet
10. DD football group asking for lifts for children and adding more fixtures to the calendar
11. Friend group organising next night out and trying to find matching free dates

These are just the ones I’ve actually read. I stop have a little red 12 on WhatsApp.

Then I’ve had other text messages. I’ve had emails from the schools and forms to fill out. Reminders about upcoming events at both schools and things my kids need to have for those events.

This is daily! I cannot cope with it.

Or someone asks a question, and at least six or seven people will reply with "I don't know". Again, each of these useless comments is a fucking notification. If you don't know, don't answer, there's no law that says you have to clog up the phones of everyone you're in contact with whenever you don't know the answer to a question.

I’m great with responding to my phone but I have a flat rule of no WhatsApp groups ever. They are nonsense

They are the fucking devil's work but eventually they are used to organise things - slowly, painfully and in the least efficient way possible - and a lot of the time there's no alternative way of knowing when stuff is happening. So I have them. But I really truly hate them.

I think saying it’s bullying is a step too far. I don’t think it’s rude I can understand why she might do it. That being said you don’t have to stay friends with her. Maybe just don’t contact her again till you hear back from her.

Some people need different things from their friends. It’s perfectly fine and doesn’t make either one of you wrong in my opinion. Just pick friends who have the same values as you.

Just mute them.

I'm one of these people tbh. I think it's weird and unnatural to be available to everyone you know at all times and I'm not spending half my day looking at texts. If you think every person has a handful of friends, a couple of family members at least, a handful of old acquantainces or less close friends, work friends, whatever, all texting each other at least once a week.... it's too much. Everyone who knows me knows I'll reply when it's convenient and I'm happy for them to do the same, and if they don't want friendship on those grounds that's fine by me.

Whatsapp chat with my two best friends - over 50 messages today (what's going on at work to pics of the kids to chat about a mutual friend of ours etc, just group chat stuff. They're pretty much all-day chatters and thankfully don't mind that I'm not).
Work friends Whatsapp - 5 messages today.
Group chat with some hobby friends - about 50 messages today, there's a hobby-related thing on.
Text off an old friend who's coming up to visit parents next month and wants to meet up.
About 5 messages off my business partner.
Text off my mum.
Text off my dad.
Handful of texts off my sister.

That's a pretty normal day for me. Find it exhausting even though I love or like all the people individually.

Change your settings and turn the ticks off and this problem goes away forever…… with everyone!

I dont have this problem, as i have turned off my blue ticks and last seen online.
Done it a few years back never changed it back its blissful.
No one knows if im online or not or if ive read messages.
My phone my rules.

I would now wait for a response.

if it doesn’t come I don’t think you are missing much!

People talking about being in groups is not the same as not responding to a close friend for weeks. If you don’t have time & space for it don’t be in a ton of groups.
my Dh is in millions of chats that go off constantly and I honestly could not be bothered with that. But I have a few chats with close family & friends.
I find people are far more rude these days don’t respond to invites and things that were just basic manners before. I’m not saying instantly respond to ignore people entirely is rude.

I am not Jen, in that I feel the weight of obligation to get back to people, but I am constantly overwhelmed with the sheer number of messages and notifications and so leave stuff on "unread". My theory is (obviously a mistaken one!) that if people think they are unread, they feel less upset that I haven't got back to them immediately 🤷

I have been actively telling people that I'm trying to put my phone down, so don't expect an instant response. I'm not joking when I say that whole groups of women in my social circle have fallen out over what's app group social etiquette.

In the case of the OP, simply responding to a coffee request is not one message, it's about 10; "could you do Tuesday 9th?" "Oh no, I can't do Tuesdays, but I could do Wednesday?" "Where shall we meet?" Etc etc. Last night, a friend messaged a group; "anyone fancy a happy hour drink at the pub at 5?" A few of us said "yes, meet you there then," but so many other messages along the lines of, "I'll check...etc" Eventually had a lovely time, short uncomplicated drink and catch up, got home to find multiple messages "did you get home safe?" "Wasn't that lovely!" "Thank you for organising" etc etc. Then at 10.30 (I was in bed) more messages about kitchen shelving etc etc. The volume of messages is just insane!!! And this is just one of the groups I'm in. The ironic thing is, it WAS really lovely having an impromptu drink in person with friends and putting the phones down! At home I'm trying to be more present to my family, so my friends will just have to be tolerant and understanding of my leaving messages on unread.

This.

For some people it’s their way of politely exiting and signing off the conversation

I agree, it’s weird!

Texts weren't so bad. It's all the others like WhatsApp, and the group messages that clog up phones.
If, like me, you're over 30, you will remember being able to leave the house and be uncontactable. Our kids will never know that freedom!

I'm a bit like this sometimes. I'm also called Jen.

Sometimes I'm just not in the zone. Maybe I'm about to walk into Tesco, or about to drive home, or my head is elsewhere.

Was it rude not to answer your phone back in the day? Why do I have to read and reply straight away?

I have a friend like this too. It’s incredibly frustrating and then she moans I haven’t reached out 🤯

Thanks for the replies

I realised that school things will account for most of it but I thought it was going to be essential school stuff. Not groups that presumably you don't even have to be in.

I'm a bit baffled why people are getting notifications from groups. I've got a couple of groups and I look at them when it suits me - usually a couple of times a day

It seems obvious to me that an individual messaging me takes priority over a group - but I mute the groups. I don't want them pinging at me all day.

glad to hear one poster saying she'd welcome a phone call. I miss phone calls. Though I am talking mostly about chatty phone calls. I quite like organising by written comms.

I don't expect anyone to reply straight away and I don't think anyone expects that of me. I also have the blue tick turned off.