Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

lucky to have people who want to meet up. It's important to keep your friends

I do this and have always done since the invention of mobile phones. In the early days when you didn’t need your phone for online banking etc I would leave my mobile phone somewhere and not touch it for a week.

I hate the expectation mobile phones have placed on me (and all people) to always be available to others. It is one of the most intrusive things I can think of , to demand my attention when I’m having dinner with my children, relaxing in the bath or have just finished an 8 hour workday.
I have muted WhatsApp groups, switched off notifications, muted sound and call filtering on. I only answer calls once they’ve been screened and I know who and why is calling.
I am only available 24/7 to my children and for this we have set up a different messaging app so I can easily see it is them.
if im out enjoying a relaxing afternoon out and my husband texts me 3 times asking me to pick up something on my way back it infuriates me.

none of it is wanting to be rude or ignoring my friends. None of it is personal. I just really value my time and energy and texting makes me feel oppressed and overwhelmed.

Yes I agree. Thinking about it in more depth now, some of it is because when people contact me 90% of the time it is because they want or need something from me or my family. Small favours, questions, advice or bigger favours , it doesn’t matter -even when a conversation starts innocently asking how I am , it usually leads to some kind of request.
the remaining 10% who genuinely want to check on me and just have a chat are ok but they keep texting back and forth for 20 minutes which is excessive and again makes me want to disengage.

This. I reply when I want unless it’s urgent. The problem with replying and ticking it off the “to do” list is that some people reply to the reply straight away, and need another reply! And it goes on.
So delaying a reply helps with that

Maybe she’s just not a massive WhatsApp user and the message she replied to came in while she was using her phone? It can be several days before I realise someone has sent me a message as it’s not my main platform.

I am another who reads preview but doesn't open message until I have time to read and do whatever is needed eg if I need to check available times, pay for something etc.
I am overwhelmed between work official/unofficial chats, individual friends, family plus group friends or family 1als when we are organising a trip etc. I counted 9 different groups related to my dc some with sub chats about everything from sen meet ups, wrap around care and their activities so yes sometimes I leave people unread.

I often read messages and don't reply for a while, or leave them unopened.

The fact that Jane has chosen to message me doesn't mean I have to reply to her within any kind of specific timescale.

Like a few people have said, she probably feels like she doesn’t have the brain capacity to respond. However, I have some friends like this and it used to bother me, but I now don’t contact those people or try to arrange anything with them and I put my energy into people who do reply. My thought is that it is fine if people don’t feel they have the capacity to respond and it’s not a reason to fall out with them, but generally it means you are not a priority to them. In the instances of my friends who are like this, they clearly respond to other people as they are always out doing something. That is absolutely fine and these people have also now dropped down my priority list as I I have on theirs. I would say though that if someone’s communication changed and I couldn’t see that they were busy (e.g via social media), I would probably check in on them to make sure they’re ok and not struggling in some way.
Edited to add - I will still message these people from time to time but with a message that doesn’t expect a response.g ‘Happy birthday!’ and I leave it at that and move on 😊

🙋I'm Jen!

Seriously. When did the world get so demanding!?

I think I get more annoyed by messages actually being read and not responded to. That’s rude. If a message remains on delivered I assume that they haven’t seen it come in, or perhaps the number of unread messages is so large it seems overwhelming. Unless someone is actually with their phone when a message comes in, it can be missed. Not for me, my brain can’t handle there being any number of unread messages in my inbox! But not everyone is the same.

Who as an adult talks about "best friends" 🤮?

You are friends. If a partner leaves a message on unread I'd be pissed off, but friends? No. I realise life gets in the way. Sometimes you look at a message without opening it and think , must respond later, then just forget.

Get on with your life in between communication and don't sweat it if she apparently doesn't read/respond.

I hate the thing these days of having to be available 24 hours per day.

Why is it rude? People aren't obliged to answer your messages as soon as they've read them.

It's not an immediate demand for attention.
I'd be happy with a thumbs up, or a reply within a few days.
Always being an afterthought until I'm needed for something is why I am letting my "Jen" friendships lapse.

Like it or not, it's a huge part of communication in 2026.

I’ve never understood why people keep messaging non replyers. How on earth have you got to 92 without people giving up on you?

I think you can turn off the blue tick thing

Its when they keen to meet you mention dates then silence for days. Rude. Even a thumbs up or something)

I wholly agree with this. I am also Jen, and also 40. The other friends I have who are also Jen's are 40 also. I wonder if we as an age group struggle more due to peak age for family/work commitment and doing more on phones maybe.

OP, my closest friends are all Jen's too because we understand when they don't reply and the guilt and pressure they feel when they struggle with it, and everything is fine when we do manage to catch up. But it's totally valid that this is upsetting for you, and the solution is to keep Jen as an acquaintance and have closer friendships with those that have the same communication style. She doesn't mean to hurt you, and she does want to meet up with you.

In the same situation I won't reply straight away or may not open the message, because I know that I can't answer without speaking to my partner and or waiting for my work rota to come in before I can reply and let you know when I have childcare. If I open your message, I will forget to ask, but sometimes the message slips down and I either forget or genuinely miss it altogether. My MIL thinks I am very rude, and on several occasions she has asked if I got her message and when I say no, I will scroll through my phone way back to show her it didn't come through and then find it unread and missed out.

Thumbs up are considered passive aggressive/rude though, as a Jen I disagree that is more polite.

I have a SIL like this. She leaves me on read unless I’m offering something she wants ie toys for the kids which are otherwise going to the charity shop, I thought it was just her way until second SIL was showing us photo updates she’d been sent from a long haul holiday and my query (having made the kids flight packs) about how the holiday was remained on read… It’s the last time I’ll message her. When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them!

It’s so incredibly rude to expect a semi instant reply. Even days later. It’s needy and demanding.

I'd find a thumbs up even ruder than no response at all!

I do this all the time, life gets busy, and after work I don’t want to be stuck on my phone. I usually leave non-urgent messages for the weekend or whenever I have time. Some of my friends get annoyed, but I don’t really get why.

I too have one of these. Weirdly replies instantly when it’s me suggesting her birthday drink, but forgets mine and when she remembers a month later never has time to meet then.
Next year I droppeth the rope.

Yes harriet quick to text if they want something from you. I dont know just dont be super keen to meet up then not follow it up. Its flaky..

She doesn’t want to reply yet so doesn’t read them. Very normal. People aren’t your servants at your beck and call