Friend often leaves my WhatsApps unread

[Sportymumalwayswashing]

I have a friend who regularly ignores my messages - it’s not that she doesn’t respond, she actually doesn’t read my WhatsApps and leaves them on delivered. Friend (Jen) acts as if I am her best friend when I do see her (dropping off kids etc). 2 weeks ago, DDs met up and I heard about Jen’s husband’s new job (he’s been out of work for a bit), so I sent a WhatsApp saying congrats to your DH, sounds like a great opportunity. I got a message back immediately saying thanks, let’s meet up for a coffee or dog walk. I replied with a couple of options for dates. She hasn’t even opened the message. This is not the first time she has done this - which is why I hadn’t been in touch for a while as she hadn’t opened the message that I sent in October until I sent the congrats one. Am I being unreasonable to think this is incredibly rude and how should I handle it? And why do people do this - does having lots of unopened messages make them feel popular or something?

Are you not in any group chats? Not everyone is messaging me personally- I’m just saying that is my number of unread messages.

Also, the posters who feel people expects instant replies from them - don't any of these people have jobs? Or other things to do?

this seems like one of those times where MN bears no relation to real life.

I'm sure lots of people do have 92 unread messages in groups. But they are groups. If they're sharing pictures of their cats and dogs, there's no need to actually look at those (unless the cats are exceptionally cute) that's a bit like saying I've got 92 unread tweets - it doesn't matter

I suppose now I should brace for all the people saying that these are incredibly important groups. If you're on the PTA or something, I would hope you'd have a more efficient method of communication because people chatting on WhatsApp really isn't it.

Im audhd too and can be guilty of not replying, but I know know this about myself and explain to people I care about.

My whole life I made the mistake of thinking that’s why other people would suggest meeting for a coffee and then go awol for weeks or months, but audhd isn’t the reason behind this type of thing for everyone, sometimes it’s exactly as a pp said, it’s etiquette for “this convo is over, I will get in touch when I want something from you” type of dynamic and maybe if I had learnt decades ago that actually, suggesting coffee and not following up, is a reflection of how the person sees you and that just because someone seems super nice to you at school pick ups, they’re keeping you around to be a mum friend, to be someone they can call for childcare help and don’t actually give a fuck about you as a friend and the offers to coffee is superficial politeness. They don’t want to make time for that coffee, they act like your bestie face to face to keep you sweet for when they need you and it’s not always ND reasons behind it.

I have various health issues that mean even a two line reply takes me much longer than 2 mins and it’s exactly why I take a bit longer to get back to someone but because I know this about myself, I would never ask a friend to meet for coffee without ring fencing the time to arrange it or setting at least 20 reminders over the following days to make sure I’ve replied to a meeting I have initiated.

I feel like there’s two elements to this. Firstly, as loads of people have said, you’re not entitled to quick replies and modern communication is totally overwhelming for a lot of people. I currently have 124 unread WhatsApp chats (and all of those messages have been since Feb when I did a clear out and replied to them all). Tons of texts and insta DMs. A horrendous inbox. I also have to work and look after three kids and try to tidy and exercise and cook etc etc without having a breakdown. Replying to WhatsApp’s cannot be the number one priority for most people so often things get forgotten for weeks on end, and it’s not because the person is being mean or deliberate. They are just busy and there are only so many hours in a day (and so many you want to stare at yet another screen).

But secondly, the priority thing also shows who and what is most important in anyone’s phase of life. Even with around 250 unread WhatsApp’s before Christmas (my work always migrates there and it’s work that involves tons of different people- I’m not that popular!!) I would always reply the same day to my husband, or my two very best friends, or my three closest colleagues. And usually within a few days for my immediate family, and then another few friends, or my kids best friends’ parents. Because those things are week in week out essential to the things I’m doing and the people who need me the most (or who I need!). Then there are tons of people I care deeply for but I only need to see once a month or year and that’s fine but it can’t be a priority. You are clearly not her priority right now, and it’s up to you if you’re okay with that.

Fifty plus whatsapps today, haven’t checked texts and had about a million (probably rounded down) emails from school which all required some kind of action like payment, booking, entering into a diary etc. Actually just checked and it was six (over two children). Plus nursery notifications. Also had to pay bills that came in by email or notification.

You’re right though- I would hate a phone call. I don’t mind messages precisely because I can answer when I want to or have capacity.

Ha! I'm online on WhatsApp several times a day. Because that's how I get MFA notifications for work and a volunteering role I do. It doesn't mean I have time to read and respond to friends' messages.

She probably reads your messages when they come through as a preview. It's fine to reply in a couple of days, but not to ignore altogether.

Honestly sick of being expected to reachable 24/7.

Ignoring groups, what is the number of unread 1:1 messages from friends and family?

Same. I regularly ignore messages for a few hours because I don’t have the brain power to respond to everything right away. I use social media for my business and so many people assume that because I’m online, they can message me and get an immediate reply 😩

Yeah, no way, I think if that was me I would throw my phone away .This is what I mean that 90% of people who contact you want something from you. And everyone thinks it takes 10 seconds to reply to them and that you’re rude for not engaging.
yesterday DH and I were working from home and in the morning his sister texted the family chat asking for help with childcare on a specific day. Husband didn’t reply and an hour later MIL phoned him pretending to be doing the normal check in and when he said he had to go as he was in between back to back meetings , she reminded him to get back to his sister because „you haven’t responded to her message”.

I was ready to come on here and say YABU @Sportymumalwayswashing because people have things to do sometimes, but it does piss me off when I message someone and they message back, and then I message them again with a question or some dates to meet, and they have just GONE. I have a couple of friends who do this, but only occasionally, not always.

My DC do this - also occasionally, they do message back most of the time, but they do have this habit (now and again) of just disappearing when we're talking! Even when I have asked a question... they just leave me hanging! I did used to say 'hello, hello, are you still there?!' Then they'd answer me - 3 hours later - and say 'sorry I had to go!' Didn't even say goodbye. Rude! 😂I'm used to it now though and assume it's a Millennial thing! And as I say, it's only occasionally that they do this.

But if I were you @Sportymumalwayswashing I would send a couple more messages when your friend does this. One more that same day, and one the next day, then leave it. Could it be that she didn't see your message/isn't seeing your messages? Some people are just a bit crap at messaging, but I know it is frustrating when you're left hanging!

Although, having said all this........ You hadn't been in touch since October?! SIX months ago? Doesn't sound like you're very close anyway! So maybe let the friendship die out..............?

I feel I want to defend those who don’t teply promptly. To those saying ‘it only takes 30 seconds’ well sure, but lots of those isn’t 30 seconds is it, during a busy day? Perhaps they’re pissed off? Maybe they have nothing interesting to say and responding to a TEXT when you’ve nothing to offer seems a bit pointless. It’s not as if they’re staring at you blankly in real life when you ask them something?

I kind of see the OP’s point because it’s not like they never rely; just inconsistently. But again, it’s a question of communication preference rather than disinterest. if it’s general chit chat who cares, if you see them face to face too? And if it’s about logistics, call them if it’s that important. Typing out replies to surface level conversation should be optional.

The above is just my opinion-I’m neither right nor necessarily in the majority but there you have it. If you’re going to get in a huff rather than just get on with your day then perhaps you need to chill or they're just not for you. Either way, it’s not really their problem; I think you have to find the solution to your own problem rather than getting annoyed about it.

The irony of this reply being so long though 😆

I can admit that I do this regularly. I see the message come in and either think I don’t have time for the back and forth chat at that moment, and/or I am so overwhelmed with life that I just can’t make space in my head for that person at that time. Some of my good friends are similar and it’s just a symptom of how much as working parents we have on our plates. I think voice notes are the way to go and are far quicker. I wouldn’t stress about it and take it personally.

So you reply to a message and you say “Let’s meet up.”
Then your friend replies asking when.
And you…
Just don’t reply for weeks or months?

This 100%.

I doubt that any adult is leaving messages unread because it makes them feel popular, OP 🙄 Clearly there will be a reason, probably neurodivergence, social overwhelm and/ or lack of mental energy.

I've been guilty of this plenty of times. People will message me at work, I'll think "I'll check my diary when I get home and message her back" and then forget completely. Or I'll see it, start to reply and get distracted, or reply in my head and never actually write the message.

Do you honestly reply to 100% of messages 100% of the time?

If someone asks me for dates, I send them.

Okay, and what if you're out and don't have immediate access to a diary? Have you never mentally gone "oh, I'll check when I get home" and then forgotten?

My diary is on my phone.

And not everyones' is. Sometimes people have to check with their partners, or check their work schedule etc. before giving dates to people.

And I know people who have to do all that and still manage to reply before months have passed, as in the OP.

I personally wouldn't see a message of congratulations to my DH as something that warranted a reply. Maybe she feels the same?

Can imagine all these group apps is overwhelming. But not nice taking weeks to reply if the person is keen for coffee and you send your dates your free then silence. My dd sports app is non stop she said has mute it as in college

If it happens a lot for no obvious reason then the most likely answer is that she's not very interested in the friendship.